P&J Columns 2014


6/1/14      No matter how awkward your Hogmanay was, just be grateful you didn’t need an ice-breaker.

13/1/14    The Northern Lights of Aberdeen just mean standing in a freezing garden and a crick in the neck to me.

20/1/14    A third ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ – I’ll believe it when I see it.

27/1/14     The Canadians think there might be something unhealthy in Irn-Bru. Fair enough, we did used to make it from girders.


3/2/14      When it comes to filthy thoroughfares, Aberdeen is streets ahead!

10/2/14    You can never have too much education. Unless, of course, it clashes with ‘Pointless’.

17/2/14     Aberdeen would be an ideal venue for a Winter Olympics. After all, it’s been on the slide for years.

24/2/14     Everyone likes crispy duck, but this is ridiculous.


3/3/14        Local MSP gets into the cabinet. Unfortunately, it’s the drinks cabinet.

10/3/14      At the Uptown Baths it’s ‘No running, No bombing, No petting’; not to mention ‘No water’.

17/3/14      40,000 Dons fans packed out Parkhead yesterday. What a great day for getting a parking space in Aberdeen.

24/4/14      The Chancellor thinks you can be bought cheap, and a terrible week for Aberdeenshire sheep.

31/3/14      Situation vacant – Aberdeen City Council Chief Executive. Experience preferred, but nothing could prepare you for this.


7/4/14      The Commonwealth Games organisers are going to level the playing field; along with some other bits of Glasgow.

14/4/14      Shite Hawk Down.

21/4/14      Could there be intelligent life on Kepler-186F? Well, it would make a fine change from what we’ve got on Earth.

28/4/14    A ‘Lifestyle Quiz’ to get a mortgage? It’s as if the banks think lending people more than they can afford might crash the economy!


5/5/14      Why on earth was Jeremy Clarkson reciting ‘Eeny-meeny’? That is schoolboy stuff.

12/5/14    17th place at Eurovision for the U.K.? Fair enough, we weren’t the Wurst.

19/5/14     Len returns to the wrestling ring, but Barney suffers the Technical Knockout.

26/5/14     Poor old Putin; you annexe one neighbour and people start comparing you to Hitler.


2/6/14 What’s so exciting about a self-drive car from Google? Mitchell’s were doing them years ago.

9/6/14   Obama’s views on the referendum weren’t entirely welcome. Well, what do Americans know about Independence?

16/6/14  “It wis a tragedy: I could niver get my cuddly ex to go the full Salmond”

23/6/14   See You Jimmy!  Flying the Flag for Scotland, and threating to knock someone’s block off

30/6/14 Who says the council aren’t crowd pleasers? On Broad Street they’re bringing the House down.


7/7/14 The tragic tale of the Torry Coo.

14/7/14 Pre-referendum, division is rife. What miracle could unite us now? Did you see the Commonwealth Games outfits?

21/7/14  Coats and jumpers out, shorts and t-shirts in. How’s that for a summer cabinet reshuffle?

28/7/14 Never mind the Tunnocks, here’s the Commonwealth Games


4/8/14  The ‘Friendly Games’. For everyone except Usain, apparently.

11/8/14   Unlike Salmond, Celtic have a ‘plan b’. It’s called the rule book.

18/8/14  Those crazy guys from the O.E.D are totes adorbs! Whatever that means.

25/8/14  ‘The Ice-Bucket Challenge’; or, as the C.I.A. used to call it, ‘water-boarding’.


1.9.14  For treachery, betrayal and controversy, even turncoat backbenchers can’t beat the Bake-off.

8.9.14  Some useful tips on bluffing yer wye in the boring world o’ current affairs

15.9.14  Referendum Special

22.9.14  Campaign vows MUST be honoured. We need a firm timetable. When, exactly, is Piers Morgan returning to the U.S?

29.9.14  The Queen didn’t really ‘purr’ down the phone to David Cameron. That was just the sound when she hung up on him.


6.10.14   1000 Argentinians versus Jeremy Clarkson – those odds seem wrong. Can we have 1000 more Argentinians, please?

13.10.14 Did you hear about the sportsman who wrote his own autobiography? He didn’t have a ghoster!

20.10.14 Some folk are so hard to please. Since when has an after-hours lock-in been a bad thing?

27.10.14 Drink-drive limit to be reduced. At last, an excuse to refuse Mulled Wine.


3.11.14 Paying for bags and drop-offs at the airport – what is this, trick or treat season?

10.11.14 A month’s a long time in politics. A few weeks ago, Alex Salmond was ‘the Man’; now he’s the Guy.

17.11.14 It’s the crowning achievement of human ingenuity (batteries not included).

24.11.14 Mocking the white van man? Reckless stuff.


1.12.14 Have we become too Americanised? I don’t know. But this Black Friday I got a great deal on a pick-up truck and a gun!

8.12.14 Osborne aims for public spending at the level of the 1930s. Those halcyon days of the Great Depression, Fascism and World War II.

15.12.14 Alex Salmond to stand as M.P? Well, it just goes to show. Sooner or later, ab’dy heads tae London for the big money.

22.12.14 It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Now that Christmas looks like a drunk office manager in a Santa hat.

29.12.14 At the Council’s Oil Summit there will be no toilet breaks. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.