P&J Columns 2013


7/1/13   “The Resolutions will not be well-advised”

14/1/13  Council throw their toys out of the pram – after failing to spit the dummy.

21/1/13  I bought some burgers at the Meikle Wartle Country Fayre – and they’re off!

28/1/13  A kick in the ribs, some bruising words and a case of third degree Burns.


4/2/13   Bad news for Burns Supper organisers as the Pound closes down against the Neep.

11/2/13  Why is Valentine’s Day so expensive? I’m trying to fire off Cupid’s dart, not launch a Trident missile.

18/2/13  Asteroid 2012 DA14 was capable of destroying a city the size of London. Lucky for us we don’t live anywhere as big as that.

25/2/13  They’ve downgraded George Osborne’s credit rating. Well, times are tough since Sharon got the dunt off the X-factor.


4/3/13   They may take our pies, but they’ll never take our freedom!

11/3/13  Mission 37? More like Mission Impossible!

18/3/13  Shy and retiring 72 year old, young at heart. Enjoys sport, GSOH

25/3/13  Budget for an ‘#Aspirationnation’ – aspiration [noun], a pronouncement accompanied by an expulsion of gas.


1/4/13   Who wants to tee off while looking at a windmill? That’s Crazy Golf.

8/4/13   An excellent week to be a Millionaire. But then, aren’t they all?

15/4/13  Not so much further education as back o’ beyond education at the Meikle Wartle University.

22/4/13  Sandstorms hit Aberdeenshire! Perfect for conditions for Lawrence of Kemnay

29/4/13  Many leading figures in Government went to the same school. Is that why we’re in such an Eton Mess?


6/5/13   Give my regards to Broad Street

13/5/13  Aberdeen 2 -1 Real Madrid. If you’ve seen the Dons play this Century you may need to read that scoreline again

20/5/13  Poor old Nigel Farage; imagine being made unwelcome in the country you think of as home

27/5/13  These days, phones are ‘smart’. Unfortunately, people are still idiots


3/6/13   Crime doesn’t pay, but it’s a great way to reduce Council Tax

10/6/13  Does anyone else remember when ‘Lobby’ just meant the place you kept your meter-cupboard?

17/6/13  There’s only one thing a North East schooling can’t prepare you for – being Secretary of State for Education

24/6/13  Why are Aberdonians are so apathetic about culture? If only we could be bothered to find out


1/7/13  Marischal College Graffiti thought to be work of a disgruntled council taxpayer – 180,000 suspects in the frame

8/7/13  Unusual and dangerous weather conditions for the North-East. Three consecutive fine days!

15/7/13  Never mind Glastonbury or T in the Park; it’s Meikle Wartle’s answer to Woodstock – Livestock!

22/7/13  The Open Championship – open to everyone, as long as they don’t have 2 X chromosomes.

29/7/13  CAMBRIDGE; Weelum and Kate (née Middleton) are delighted to announce the safe arrival of George (Dod). Great-Granny chuffed to bits.


5/8/13    One Man, One Vote, One Russian Fishing Boat – lessons in democracy from Seaton Drive.

12/8/13  Doctored bats, ginger snaps and political attacks.

19/8/13  ‘Fracking’ is all over the news at the moment. Mary Whitehouse must be turning in her grave.

26/8/13  How to transform Aberdeen for £50m: That’s £250 each. Just give us the cash, and we’ll all put smiles on our faces.


2/9/13   Historically, Britain was ‘Great in two areas; bossing people around and blowing things up.

9/9/13    So farewell, Offshore Europe. Or as the North-East hospitality trade call it: ‘Ker-ching Time’

16/9/13  The Grand Old Duke of York, he had Ten Thousand men. Unfortunately, none of them could recognize him, even in his mum’s garden. 

23/9/13   Lateral thinking on all day drinking and friends, revenge and feet that are twinkling

30/9/13    A debate between two heavyweights and Tubular Bells for all eternity


7/10/13  If the name they chose is ‘Chapel of Elsick’, just think what the ones they binned must be like!

14/10/13  This week a bit of the roof fell off the Toon’s Hoose. Was anyone else surprised to hear it wasn’t the wheels?

21/10/13   It’s time to get tough on crime, and tough on the victims of crime 

28/10/13    The new definition of ‘Capital Projects’ – whatever Edinburgh has already blown a fortune on


4/11/13    Halloween can be really scary; especially when the dorbell rings and you realise you havent got any sweeties

11/11/13     “Remember, remember, the fifth of November”. Though some folk would prefer to forget.

18/11/13    The Bear and the Hare, laid bare

25/11/13   Dundee isn’t City of Culture 2017 either. For a lot of Aberdonians, that’s as good as the win.


2/12/13    600 pages of white paper; and about as informative as the stuff you buy for your printer

9/12/13    I’m in Kennethmont…Get Me Oot o’ Here!

16/12/13   Mandela’s memorial saw world leaders both black and white join together. To flirt with the Danish Prime Minister.

23/12/13   In the Internet age, Christmas cards are outdated, wasteful and redundant. Mind you, an email looks rubbish on your mantelpiece.

30/12/13   Sung exclusively on Hogmanay and at the end of weddings; has anyone ever heard “Auld Lang Syne” sober?