P&J Column for 14.7.14

Pre- referendum, division is rife. Only a miracle could unite the Scottish people now.

Did you see the Commonwealth Games outfits?

View From the Midden – rural affairs with MTV (Meikle Wartle Television) presenter JOCK ALEXANDER

Weel michty, it’s been a sartorial wik in the village. Noo we’ve aa seen the outraged internet comments fit flooded twitterbook and myface efter the Commonwealth Games strip wiz unveiled. Some were moved tae say that the eye-searing combination of electric blue and sharny broon were nae in keeping wi the talent and dignity of fa’ever it is that diz the Commonwealth Games. Some fowk thought it wiz a joke, others said they made oor glorious athletes look like the duncers fae the White Heather Club as hosted by Salvador Dali. I thought that wis harsh. Fit they minded me on was the stewardesses on the North Sea ferry I took tae Lerwick in 1976.

But fit fowk dinna realise is that the hale thing is a ruse, cooked up by the Team Scotland sports psychologists tae gee up the athletes. They’re creating a siege mentality within their ranks, tae mak the Scottish team mair unified and resilient tae negative ootcomes. So it’ll just be watter aff a deuk’s back fan they dinna win ony medals.

It’s a shame that ab’dy seems tae be itching tae hae a go at the peer quine fa wiz in the press named as the designer, ‘cos it wiznae her fault at aa. Think aboot it, wid an internationally renowned textiles designer with a first class degree fae Glasgow School of Art really hiv come up with yon? Nah nah, we here in the village hiv kept the secret, allowing the real designer tae keep her anonymity. Because that is the preferred state of Meikle Wartle’s artist-in-residence, Feel Moira (bearing in mind the arrest warrant that is still ootstanding efter that business with the mechanical digger and the Asda at Huntly. Her ‘residence’ is, of course, usually at the end of the bar in the village pub, far she comes up with her grun-breaking designs, inspired by a continual supply of nettle and tattie ale, her lumbago pills, and her constant battle with congenital colour-blindness.

But it is with these meagre gifts that she produces such memorable designs as we have seen unveiled this wik. The Commonwealth Games ootfits were created to reflect the colour schemes of Scotland’s rural heartland. In particular, seeing a coo with a bad case of Bloat on a sunny day. In fairness, this wis Moira’s second shottie at this particular commission. The original version of her design hid, for rustic authenticity, a coating of fresh mineer. It wis certainly a distctinctive look, and it fairly made yer een watter. Though nae sae much as the final version. Cheerio!

‘CAVA’ KENNY CORDINER, the sports columnist who had Ecuador in the sweeper.

It’s been a jaw-locking week in the world of sport and there was nothing what locked my jaw more than watching host nation Brazil capillerate against Germany in the World Cup semi. The Germans displayed their usual toothless efficiency and stuck 5 past the Braziliantines before the half an hour mark was even up on the clock. When I seen the final score, I had to do a double-date. 7-1 isn’t a football score, it’s the odds on a decent gee-gee. Mental!

Brazil is famous for having technically gifted players, like Pele, Ronaldo, and his wee brother, Ronaldinho, but they has always had a bit of a deputation for being shaky at the back. I was watching the game with my pal Basher Greig  – no mean kicker of a centre-forward his-self, in his playing days – and he says to me, he says “I’ve not seen a defence so full of holes since you was on trial for torching your wine bar!”

You know me though readers, Kenny is not a hat-trick pony. I’ve also been keeping an eye on all the other sports this week, too. As you know, I’ve never been the greatest fan of the smack of feather on pillow, but there was a shock at Trent Bridge at the weekend when England took on India in the croquet. Apparently England broke the world record for the 10th wicket with a stand of 198. I have no idea what any of that means, but I do know that I seen a bloke dressed as She-Ra, Princess of Power in the crowd, so watching it on Sky Sports when there wasn’t no football on wasn’t a total loss.

It’s been a great week over at Royal Aberdeen for the golf, but it was a second half of the week of two halfs for Rory McIlroy. On Thursday he wooed the crowds with a course record 64 only to be brung down to earth next day with a 78. That’s par for the course with Rory – no pundit intended. One moment them golf bats is like putty in his hands, the next it’s like he’s playing with toy clubs. Still, it must be hard golfing in front of all them crowds and TV cameras watching. I know I wouldn’t like it, you’d have to count all your shots!