P&J Column for 18.8.14

Those crazy guys from the O.E.D are totes adorbs! Whatever that means.

Tanya Souter, Local Lifestyle guru

I dinna ken aboot yous, but I hiv ayewis thought of masel as something of a trailblazer. Ye gets fowk fit follow fashion and ye gets fowk fit mak fashion and I’m definitely een of the latter. I am nae kint as the Vivienne Westwood of Walker Road for nithing, ye ken. In fact, I’m confident that the current trend for metallic fabrics his come aboot efter yon nicht I couldnae find a clean top to wear and fashioned a boob tube oot of bacofoil. It wisnae comfy, but it did dae a rare job of keeping my kebab warm on the wye hame.

But I’m nae jist spikkin aboot claes, I’ve often been complimented on my innovative use of language. Weel noo, The Oxford English Dictionary is starting tae catch up with some of the lingo me and ma pals use AA the time, and they’ve pit a hale host of new words in their online version. The boffins at the dictionary offices apparently keep an eye on foo mony times words is used in things like facebook and twitter so’s they can stay doon with the kids. that’s fit wye words like ‘YOLO’, ‘adorbs’ and ‘side-boob’ are noo considered perfect English. It’s good to ken the wye I spik is considered proper. You may find it hard to believe, but I never done that good in English lessons at school, so I’m delighted tae ken my grammar is noo recognised as a right one. I tell ye, I’ve a good mind tae march right up tae my aul English teacher, Mr Biggart and get him tae “unfail” aa my fourth year essays! (‘Unfail’ isnae in yet, by the way, so get using it!) Who knows, if I show a little side-boob, I might even get a D! They dictionary folk did get een of my little phrases wrang, though, fan they said that ‘hot-mess’ wis someb’dy fa wiz still gorgeous even fan they’re blootered. Ab’dy kens that ‘hot-mess’ is fit ye get fan ye leave yer kids’ spaghetti hoops ower lang in the microwave.

Some trends tak a bittie langer tae catch on, though. I’m sure ye’d aa agree that the names folk give their kids hiv become much mair original ower the last few years, an I consider masel a pioneer in that area an’aa. In my day, the primary schools of the North-East wis full of Michaels, Christophers, Jennifers and Karens. But noo, thanks to the trail I blazed with my 3, Jayden, Kenzie and wee Beyonce-Shanice, fowk hiv hid the courage tae be creative; like spelling a normal name as if ye’ve got a rubbish hand at Scrabble, naming yer bairn efter a character fae yer favourite film, or just choosing something that sounds really exotic. The rest of the UK hisnae quite cottoned on yet because they jist released the 100 maist popular babynames fae last year, and they wis aa the usual boring guff. But I reckon next year the new wave of names will sweep the nation. So move ower Colin & Lisa, Oliver & Emma, mak wye fer Kawlyn & Lleesah, Optimus Prime, and Ebola!

Shelley Shingles, Showbiz correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983

OMG! Talk about dreamboat central! I’m just back from meeting one of my closest pals for a coffee in a smashing wee spot on the South Deeside Road. It’s got a lovely wee café and I think there’s a little golf course and driving range and the like around the back, but I don’t know what it’s called. Anyway, who should walk in whilst I’m chowing down on my skinny blueberry muffin but golf hunk Paul Lawrie! What are the odds of him being there?! Totes remote, I know! Talk about random. But I will say this, I’ve always had a soft spot for men with an air of authority and he was strutting about like he owned the place. Wowsers!

Me and Paul go way back. I first met him at Carnoustie in 1999 when he was playing for the Claret Jug and I was doing some spokes-model work as the face of Keiller’s Dundee Cake. He was magnificent, coming from 10 shots behind to win the open. He’s still a good looking man 15 years down the line, so when me and my pal saw him in the car park when we left I couldn’t resist giving a little shout of “Phwoar!”. I’m not sure what came over him but he dropped to the floor and covered his head! Crazy.com!

I’ve always kept this quiet but I played a pivotal role in Mr Lawrie’s great Open win. On the last day, just before the play-off began, he and the other two lads, Justin Lee-Collins and Jean Valjean, came through the hospitality tent, and he took a massive peice of my cake. It was so big it almost toppled off his plate as he was discussing something with his caddy. ‘You’ll need to be a wee bit more careful of your slice, Paul’ I said to him. ‘Do you think?’ He replied ‘I’ll try standing a little nearer the ball then’.

Wise words, from a great man.