P&J Column 23.6.14

See You Jimmy!  Flying the Flag for Scotland, and threatening to knock someone’s block off.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the pundit who kicks back!

I’ve been glued to the telly every evening this week.  Serves me right for not washing my hands after helping Zander with his school sculpture project, I suppose – the leaning tower of Pizza, made out of bog roll tubes.

Luckily, while I’ve been glued to the telly it has been on, and this World Cup is turning into a truly momentous tournament!  We is being treated to a very table feast of football in the carnivore atmosphere of Brazil.

The biggest shocker has been raining champions Spain getting knocked out after only 2 games.  Oh how the mighty have felled.  They looked a shadow puppet of theirselves.  The last time I seen such a bad performance against Chile was when I swapped Alex McLeish’s usual korma for a vindaloo at the 1980 end of season curry night.  The face was red but the language wasblue!  All the punnets was saying that the Spaniel’s didn’t have a Plan B.  I’ve never seen that singer boy play football and I didn’t know he was from Spain but my motto is if you is good enough you is Spanish enough.

France is beginning to look omnivorous after a 5-2 demolition of the Switz.  If they’d scored any more their opponents would have needed to see if they had an abacus on their Army Knives!  What I couldn’t understand was that even when taking a thumping like that, they didn’t start flying in studs up.  Anyone can lose 5 goals, but for all 11 to stay on the park while it’s happening?  They should be ashamed of theirselves.

But there’s no question that the biggest talking points has come from group D.  I was routing for wonderdogs Costco Rica when they stuck Italy on Friday.  Not because they would knock out England if they won, but also to restore some Scottish pride.  Sure enough they done it and they’ve allowed every Scotsman to cast their mind back to Italia 90 in Genoa when they beat us 1-0.  Doesn’t look like such a bad result now, does it?

And of course there his been a lot talk about that boy with the Jimmy hat wearing the Scotland away kit celebrating with all them Euro Guy fans!   Melody says to me, she says “That’s the closest any Scotland fan’s going to get to the World Cup for 50 years!”  I have to say though, I thought him that was shocking.  That away top’s bowff, he should definitely have worn the home strip.

England getting booted out after 2 games will be a sore one for Roy’s boys, who will be as sick as a carrot.  Still, every cloud has a silver bullet.  They can now tell them themselves that they is just as good as Spain!

Struan Metcalfe MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions

It’s been quite a week for gaffes from me and my fellow politicos!  Tony Blair’s pronouncements on Iraq show he has clearly been taking lessons in cause and effect from a naughty toddler. “Just because I am standing here with chocolate all over my face, and just because there is a large face-shaped hole in that chocolate cake proves nothing” never cut any ice with my nanny, Tony!  And poorly judged tweets have been flying around like champagne flutes and chairs at a particularly lively session of the Bullingdon!

Labour’s pledge to give everyone a free owl made the world of Twitter ooh (I’m sorry, I had to!) and led me to tweet the following from the hospitality tent at Ascot (Ladies’ day, natch.  Ding dong!).  I must admit, I’d had a couple of sherries.  And a jeroboam of fizz.

“Labour promises everyone a free owl LOL!  Still, no dafter than their other policies, like staying in Europe and not privatising the NHS!”

The whips’ office was on to me to delete it within 20 seconds of it appearing, which was a new p.b. for them, so congrats for that.  They were v unhappy with your humble correspondent, though, and Super Dave also far from pleasedville as it is possible to get without getting your feet wet.  Turns out Europe a bit of a sore point just now, (I’d missed that – oopsie!) and our plans for the NHS supposed to be a secret!!!

Well, I’d not been this deep in the soup since I accidentally stepped in a tureen at Gordonstoun when trying to lace Podger Palmerstone’s dinner with laxative.  I thought this time it really could be curtains – until Michael Fabricant stepped into the fray with a playful josh along the lines of wanting to punch a female Guardian journalist in the throat.  Good old Fabbers!  Well, what with him having the political nous of Sally Bercow and the hair of – well, Sally Bercow, actually, he drew the heat away from me beautifully!  Case of Bolly for that man!

All which leaves only the question of a suitable apology for my misplaced quip.  And I am honestly say that I am every bit as sorry for this as I am for the last thing I did that I had to issue an apology for.

Pip pip!