P&J Column 16.8.18

The Vape of Things to Come

Kevin Cash, Moneysaving Expert and King of the Grips

I’ve been fascinated tae read the latest reports aboot e-cigarettes, and how they may nae be as entirely harmless as at first thought. Apparently it turns oot that puffin awa on a superheated cocktail of fruit-flavoured chemicals may not be 100% risk-free.  Fa’d hiv thunk it?  Boffins reckon that using a e-cig for 20 years might gie ye  a stronger chance o’ disabling immune cells in yer lungs, leading tae similar effects tae the lung disease contracted by regular smokers. Mind you, these tests hiv nae been conclusive and hiv only been spotted in lab conditions and only over a 48-hour period. It remains too early tae tell if e-fags are harmful in the long term, as naeb’dy has been using them for long enough.  Mind, it’s nae so long ago that ab’dy used tae bang on aboot fit a healthy pastime haein’ a fag wiz, but they’ve changed their mind on that quick-smart.  Of course, it’s nae unusual for scientists to change their minds on things fan new evidence comes in.  My pal Jumbo, fa used to be a chemistry teacher afore he got caught nicking a’ the chemicals and trying to invent a new legal high, initially pled not guilty, but threw in the towel eence he saw the CCTV.  And of course daein’ too much of onythin’ is harmful. Jist ask my mate Mick the Pill who once drank so much coffee that he sneezed wi his eyes open and ended up in A&E.

Of course, I wiz dead against e-cigarettes fan they first got popular. Partly cos I hiv had a fear of ony new technology ever since my mither tried to claw back a bittie o’ value by cutting my hair wi een o those hair-trimming combs fan I wiz wee and took a bit of my ear aff. But maistly cos I hiv 10,000 packs o’ knocked-off Regal Kingsize takin up a’ the space in my shed at hame.  (Still available for £5 a pack; see me in the lounge bar if keen).

But I’ve been looking at the figures at it turns oot that vaping is getting mair and mair popular. Numbers of Vapers has risen fae 7 million in 2011 tae over 35 million 5 years later. Jist look at the number of e-cigarette stores in toon. There’s almost as many as the pound shops and bookies. Well wi that kind of popularity I hiv of course changed my tune, for there is nae sense in ignoring the Aberdeen market’s demands. Saying that, the Aberdeen Market demanded I get lost and stop trying tae flog my stuff on their steps on Market Street, so I jist wandered roond the corner and tried again.

I have developed my ain range of cut-price e-cigs fit dinna contain ony tar or ony nicotine, so they are hands-doon the safest e-cig available. You can puff awa as much as ye like and it winna cause ye ony harm. I hiv used the very finest low-cost materials, by takin a job lot of second-hand Doctor Who sonic screwdrivers that Mick sourced fae the skip oot the back of the closed doon Toys R Us at the beach, taken oot the batteries, and filled each of them wi the contents of a packet fruit flavoured sherbet dibdabs.  I can guarantee an e-smoke like nae ither.  And watter streaming liberally fae yer een and nostrils.


Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who knows his bunions

Regulatory readers will know that although he is a football flan through and through,  Old Kenny does follow the croquet from time to time. There’s nothing better than the sound of feather on pillow, except for maybe the sound of studs on shin pad. But the croquet has been at both ends of the newspapers this week.

England’s Ginger-nut all-rounder, Bram Stoker, has been up in front of the beak on charges of Affray. Old Kenny isn’t too hot on his legal bingo, so I had to look up what “affray” meant. Scary stuff. I could have been charged with “affray” pretty much every Saturday back when I was playing!

In Stoker’s case, it all kicked off outside a Bristol nightclub when he’d been out celebrating a big win. He took Oxbridge at 2 lads who was causing trouble and he decided to knock them both for six – something he’s apparently pretty good at.

He’s hardly played for England since, but now that the Judge says he’s not guilty, he can play again with a clean pate. Some folks is up in armpits about it.  It does seem a bit funny that you can get banned for a year’s crocket for changing the condition of the ball and then walk away Selina Scott free after you’ve changed the condition of someone’s face.  Still, I reckon they should leave him be. Let he who is without skin cast the first scone!