More Brits are atheists than Christians?  I don’t believe it.

The Reverend Edmund Everend, Minister for Holburn North North West

A recent poll showed that there are now more atheists in the UK than there are Christians, and my parish has been abuzz with the news. By which I mean, old Jessie McGarrity asked me about it yesterday when I visited her in hospital.

Jessie seemed troubled; not uncommon for someone about to undergo a colonoscopy, but I sensed that spiritual matters lay at the root of her discomfort. “Have we become as godless as that, Minister?” she asked me. “What does it mean?” I sought to reassure her. The faithful will still be the faithful, however few we become, I said. And perhaps the news was not all bad – perhaps . now that we are a minority group we will have to be treated with a little more respect than that to which we have become acustomed in recent times. But more than this; Christ and the Church’s teachings still shape the traditions, the mores and the vocabulary of our society, even for those who are non-believers. When people of all genders and sexual orientations do not clamour to be married; when people cease to cry out the Lord’s name when they strike their thumbs with a hammer; when breathless girls stop repeating “Oh. My.God.” into their mobile phones; that is when the Church will be in trouble.

Jessie closed her eyes, settled back in her bed and waved me off, saying “I’m ready for my colonoscopy now.” Truly, what a joy it is to bring comfort to people in their time of strife.

Prof Hector Schlenk, Senior Researcher at the Bogton Insitute for Public Engagement with Science

As a scientist, people are always asking me questions. Questions like; how long does meldonium stay in your system? Is it true that a high-fat diet can help you lose weight? And do you have any shirts that don’t have ink-stains around the breast pocket? The answers to which are – longer than I initially imagined (sorry, Maria), no – put the big mac down and make your way quietly to the salad bar; and no, no, a thousand times, no.

This week I have mainly been asked about the University of Aberystwyth’s overseas campus in Mauritius, which has been criticised for costing the university £600,000 and has enrolled only 40 students. A former head of the University described the campus as “madness”. Clearly the local seafood and snorkelling opportunities in Aberystwyth must be better than I had imagined. I have already written to my colleagues there, offering to go to the campus to give an expert assessment of its suitability as a venue for tertiary education. Without wishing to pre-judge the matter, I imagine that I would be able to give the venture a clean bill of health. It would be a long and arduous journey, but it is one, in the spirit of collegiality, that I would be willing to undertake. Especially in business class.

It has become standard practice in the sector to open campuses in glamorous locations: consider, for example, Glasgow Caledonian’s campus in New York and Heriot Watt’s campus in Dubai. Hence my own Alma Mater, the Bogton Institute’s new satellite campuses, in Boyndie and Clatt.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s full of exuberance.

Although it is a staple gun in the football calendar, I had some respirations about watching the Scottish Cup Final on Saturday. For the first time ever, the trophy was to be congested by 2 teams from outside the top lung in the football bladder. It wasn’t no minnows playing, though. One of them was a club that has a proud history at the top of Scottish football and the other one was Rangers.

I tell you, it was some of the best action on a football pitch I’ve seen for years. It was passionate, energetic, fast-paced and not for the faint hearted. That’s the pitch invasion I’m on about. The game was mince. I must say I wasn’t surprised to see the Hibs fans steaming onto the pitch. Half of them was steaming in the stands!

Seriously though, it is a sad fate of a stairs when football fans can’t not celebrate a victory in a calm and signified manner. Nobody deserves to be taunted and invoked by the opposition fans, even if they do support Rangers. The worst of it was when some Hibs fans swung for the Rangers team. There is no place in the great game of football for fans trying to injure opposing players.That should be left to the professionals, like myself.

Don’t miss the fliying Pigs live in ‘Dreich Encounter’ at HMT Aberdeen, 2^nd -11^th June

 

David Cameron says some governments are corrupt. Weel, if onyb’dy should ken…

Cosmo Ludovik Fawkes-Hunte, 13th Earl of Kinmuck

I observe that the PM has got himself in a spot of the old hot water again, having been recorded saying that Nigeria and Afghanistan are “fantastically corrupt”.

It is said that this will cause him some embarrassment, given that he is soon to be meeting the heads of those particular states.   On some levels, Cameron has only himself to blame for his discomfiture. The man is freer with his opinions than a loquacious Liverpudlian docker after a dozen Guinness. An element of restraint does a fellow no harm on these occasions. Whenever I am going to say something off-colour I always take appropriate measures to ensure that there are no eavesdroppers. Or no surviving ones, at any rate.

But really, the whole thing is political correctness gone mad. It is a verifiable fact that the countries in question are listed as among the most corrupt places in the world in the Corruption Perception Index 2015. Anyone in doubt of that can go and check the document themselves. I do, regularly, before doing business overseas; hence my recent decision to invest in Somalia.

We Fawkes-Huntes, like everyone else who count themselves among the 1%, have long known that entering into mutually beneficial deals with shady characters is a surer route to serious wealth than playing by the rulebook of conventional wisdom. They understand free enterprise much more clearly than those who would seek to tie us in knots with competition law, money laundering regulations and rules against corporate homicide. The ninth earl greatly enhanced the family fortune by getting into the Nigerian gold-mining industry. I, myself, have invested heavily in horticulture overseas, with great success. The profits from my poppy farm up by the Khyber Pass have surpassed my wildest expectations.

So was David Cameron correct to say that Nigeria and Afghanistan are “fantastically corrupt”? Yes. My family’s experience demonstrates that they are utterly corrupt. And it’s fantastic.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in studs up.

There’s an old saying that says that “football without the fans would not be nothing”. It is true that the beautiful game is all about the supporters, but sometimes that very fans can let the side down. Take Tuesday night, for example. Man United went down to the big smoke to stick West Ham in the last ever game at the Anne Boleyn ground. But when they was driving into the car park, some Hammers fans got a bit lairy and chucked bottles and cans and smashed up the team bus.

Now, as old Kenny always says, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of banter, but I think they took it too far there. Back when I was playing our fans used to pull pranks on the opponents all the time, but it was never malnutritious. Mind you, I remember once when I was at Longside and we was sticking local rivals Mintlaw, the fans chucked eggs and flour at their team bus in the car park. We was all laughing at the time and we thought that no harm was done. But it rained during the match which turned the flour and eggs into a sort of batter on the windscreen, and when their bus left the driver couldn’t see. He scraped down the offside of my Bentley and rear-ended Dunter Duncan’s Vectra. Then, by the time they got back to Mintlaw, the bus was a right-on, on account of the engine compartment being clogged with pancake. After all that wonton destruction, the fans never done it again. Because Mintlaw is walking distance from Longside and they stopped taking the bus after that.

Of course, in my playing days I was on the receiving end of plenty of hostile receptacles myself. When I was playing for Brechin we was sticking neighbours Arbroath in a cup replay. When we come out of the dressing rooms the Arbroath fans treated us to the “Gayfield rumble”, which was when they made a heap of noise and stamped their feet to try and scare us. Of course, they never scared me, when I was a Dandy Don, i had sat on the bench at Parkhead. I’ll tell you what did scare me that day, though. When I went to the lavvies at half time, the away dressing room didn’t have any bog roll, and I’d had a smokie for my breakfast. Criminal.

See the Flying Pigs live next month in ‘Dreich Encounter’ at HMT Aberdeen, Thursday 2nd to Saturday 11th June

Houston, we have a problem.

Struan Metcalfe,  MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions

An Apology – from Houston!

Never let it be said that Struan Metcalfe isn’t prepared to go the extra mile for his constituents. An extra 4,629 miles as it happens. Super Dave asked me to come across here to Houston for the OTC oil & gas conference to represent the Scottish political elite and to let it be known that Aberdeen is still open for business! And to enjoy a couple of days hunting at the ranch of my old chum from Gordonstoun, Chip McGingrich, just outside Galveston. It does mean that, most regrettably, I’ve been unavailable for the last push in the really tremendously exciting Scottish Election campaigning. How I have missed knocking on the doors of the great unwashed, thanking them for their continued support and smiling and nodding while they chunter on in their unintelligible doggerel. I hope my constituents have been inspired by my election leaflet; 16 pictures of me in plus-fours and the slogan ‘Standing Up For You’. Which is true, provided you are a pregnant lady on public transport, or the Queen.

But ‘what is OTC?’ I hear you ask. It’s jolly hard work, that’s what it is. And despite rumors to the contrary, that is the only sense in which it could be described as ‘a jolly’. One’s diary is absolutely packed; with important meetings on the golf course, attending key cocktail parties, and far-reaching networking events at exotic nightclubs. And I am never off duty! Last night I met Tiffany, a charming young lady Tiffany who used to work in the oil industry but has recently been made redundant. She now works in the entertainment industry and, after what seemed like about 8 rounds of Old Fashioneds, we discussed rudimentary engineering and then had a rather heated debate about flanges. I may have hired her as a researcher. That has literally just come back to me.

Later, after posting a selfie with Tiffany on Twitter I wrote this:

‘Another long and tiring day of public service. I’ve just been getting sozzled with UK Energy Minister Amber Rudd”.

Yes, I am truly sorry. Of course I wasn’t getting sozzled with Amber! She is back in Blighty (though it says something about the political profile of her role that so many people thought the delightful Tiffany was she, LOL!) Of course, she wasn’t amused (is she ever?). Anyhoo I am now required to sincerely apologies to her, to Super Dave, to my constituents and most importantly to the long suffering Mrs Metcalfe. And I promise all of the above that when re-elected this week I will work harder than ever to stay off Twitter when I’m absolutely trousered. Toodle pip!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who doesn’t dribble.

They done it! After all the weeks of precipitation, Leicester finally won the Premiership. They could have won it on Sunday against Man United at Old Trafford, but when they only got a draw we was all kept in suspenders. Then, when Spurs only got a draw against Chelsea on Monday, the fat lady was singing the writing on the wall and the Foxes was cried ‘sham peonies’.

Speaking of Chelsea and Spurs, that was a cracker of a match. When I seen the highlights, it got me thinking about my career. I did enjoy the slick passing, lightning running and clinical finishing what the TV punnets was banging on about, but it was the eye gouging, hand stamping and boys getting halfed what got me feeling all neuralgic.

I had to watch the highlights on Monday because I was at the AECC to watch The Harlem Globetrotters. Basketball is like football but with less players, bigger balls and a tiny wee goal up a stick. I tell you what, if you think the football refs are clueless you should have seen the ref in this one! There was cheating going on right, left and right and he never done nothing about it. I enjoyed the match though and I was so lucky to have been there on the night when the Globetrotters scored a basket in the last second to win.

When I was leaving I seen a wee boy bouncing his newly bought basketball. He was telling his Da that he was sad the game was over. Being the kind-hearted soul that I am, I thought I’d recreate that Globetrotter magic for him one last time. So I shouted “Cordiner with the steal”, and nicked his ball.

See us live in ‘Dreich Encounter’. June 2nd-11th 2016 at HMT Aberdeen