P&J Column 5.5.16


Houston, we have a problem.

Struan Metcalfe,  MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions

An Apology – from Houston!

Never let it be said that Struan Metcalfe isn’t prepared to go the extra mile for his constituents. An extra 4,629 miles as it happens. Super Dave asked me to come across here to Houston for the OTC oil & gas conference to represent the Scottish political elite and to let it be known that Aberdeen is still open for business! And to enjoy a couple of days hunting at the ranch of my old chum from Gordonstoun, Chip McGingrich, just outside Galveston. It does mean that, most regrettably, I’ve been unavailable for the last push in the really tremendously exciting Scottish Election campaigning. How I have missed knocking on the doors of the great unwashed, thanking them for their continued support and smiling and nodding while they chunter on in their unintelligible doggerel. I hope my constituents have been inspired by my election leaflet; 16 pictures of me in plus-fours and the slogan ‘Standing Up For You’. Which is true, provided you are a pregnant lady on public transport, or the Queen.

But ‘what is OTC?’ I hear you ask. It’s jolly hard work, that’s what it is. And despite rumors to the contrary, that is the only sense in which it could be described as ‘a jolly’. One’s diary is absolutely packed; with important meetings on the golf course, attending key cocktail parties, and far-reaching networking events at exotic nightclubs. And I am never off duty! Last night I met Tiffany, a charming young lady Tiffany who used to work in the oil industry but has recently been made redundant. She now works in the entertainment industry and, after what seemed like about 8 rounds of Old Fashioneds, we discussed rudimentary engineering and then had a rather heated debate about flanges. I may have hired her as a researcher. That has literally just come back to me.

Later, after posting a selfie with Tiffany on Twitter I wrote this:

‘Another long and tiring day of public service. I’ve just been getting sozzled with UK Energy Minister Amber Rudd”.

Yes, I am truly sorry. Of course I wasn’t getting sozzled with Amber! She is back in Blighty (though it says something about the political profile of her role that so many people thought the delightful Tiffany was she, LOL!) Of course, she wasn’t amused (is she ever?). Anyhoo I am now required to sincerely apologies to her, to Super Dave, to my constituents and most importantly to the long suffering Mrs Metcalfe. And I promise all of the above that when re-elected this week I will work harder than ever to stay off Twitter when I’m absolutely trousered. Toodle pip!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who doesn’t dribble.

They done it! After all the weeks of precipitation, Leicester finally won the Premiership. They could have won it on Sunday against Man United at Old Trafford, but when they only got a draw we was all kept in suspenders. Then, when Spurs only got a draw against Chelsea on Monday, the fat lady was singing the writing on the wall and the Foxes was cried ‘sham peonies’.

Speaking of Chelsea and Spurs, that was a cracker of a match. When I seen the highlights, it got me thinking about my career. I did enjoy the slick passing, lightning running and clinical finishing what the TV punnets was banging on about, but it was the eye gouging, hand stamping and boys getting halfed what got me feeling all neuralgic.

I had to watch the highlights on Monday because I was at the AECC to watch The Harlem Globetrotters. Basketball is like football but with less players, bigger balls and a tiny wee goal up a stick. I tell you what, if you think the football refs are clueless you should have seen the ref in this one! There was cheating going on right, left and right and he never done nothing about it. I enjoyed the match though and I was so lucky to have been there on the night when the Globetrotters scored a basket in the last second to win.

When I was leaving I seen a wee boy bouncing his newly bought basketball. He was telling his Da that he was sad the game was over. Being the kind-hearted soul that I am, I thought I’d recreate that Globetrotter magic for him one last time. So I shouted “Cordiner with the steal”, and nicked his ball.

See us live in ‘Dreich Encounter’. June 2nd-11th 2016 at HMT Aberdeen