Who wants to tee off while looking at a windmill? That’s Crazy Golf.

TIM BEE, the very conscientious objector

I was outraged that the Scottish government have consented to the development of the European Offshore Wind Deployment Centre (“EOWDC”) off the coast of Aberdeen. And I am not the only one, no less a figure than Donald Trump is also up in arms. Whilst I campaigned and objected vigorously against Trump’s development of the Menie estate and his selfish destruction of a local beauty spot, when it comes to turbines Donald and I are very much in the same camp. Most likely sharing a tent, possibly even a sleeping bag.

Yes; the development will reinforce Aberdeen’s place as the energy capital of Europe, but do we even want to be the energy capital of Europe? Nobody asked me, and if they had asked me, I would have objected. Very, very strongly. Let’s just examine a few facts, shall we?

1. Wind power is an unproven source of energy, with unknown, potentially disastrous, long-term effects. Much better to continue to rely on fossil fuels which have disastrous long-term effects we already know about and can choose to ignore.
2. Wind turbines kill birds. We can’t have gulls ending themselves in the blades of these monstrosities, splattering blood and guts everywhere. I object to seagulls in the city, but culling them is the responsibility of the City Council. As I regularly write to remind them.
3. The noise from wind turbines has been linked to health problems including stress and insomnia. That’s the last thing I need. I get no sleep as it is. I’m up every night writing strongly worded letters of objection and my blood-pressure is already through the roof!

 

RON CLUNY – Official Council Spokesman, on plans to replace the paving stones in the Adelphi

Never did I think that I, as Council spokesman for the Granite City, would have to defend my administration for plans to make use of the stone that made my hometown’s name.  But the usual weary wullies have lined up to lambast us for the “extravagance” of ripping up perfectly serviceable paving slabs and replacing them with granite setts.  They contend that the money would be better spent on renewing our crumbling road surfaces.  But potholes are not, as some would have it, a blatant dereliction of this administration’s duty under section 1 of the Roads (Scotland) Act to manage and maintain the thouroughfares within our locality.  They are a direct and targeted response to irresponsible driving.  Residents ask for traffic calming measures: we provide a near-lunar road surface so pitted that it can only be traversed either by a 4×4 in low gear or a pedestrian assisted by a sherpa.  You don’t get much calmer than that.

We will press on with the plans to use the granite setts.  They have, of course, already been used in the revitalisation of the Castlegate area, and who could now seriously deny the vibrancy of that great historic beating heart of the city? Ambition is not to be feared.  It is when we lack vision that we do this city down.  I warn you now: if we continue to provide an entry-level underfoot experience, we have no chance of attracting big spending tourists into the Poundland at the bottom of Union Street.

CAVA KENNY CORDINER – the football pundit who bites your ankles

Dons fans might have divided royalties when new gaffer Derek McInnes takes over from current suprendo, Craig Brown.  Degsy might face a downhill struggle because some folk in the stand will not forget that he was once a Rangers player.   I know all too well the trials and tributaries McInnes faces, as I also faced them as well. I played a lot of happy seasons for Longside – which did not go down too well when I had brief managerial stint at their fierce rivals, Mintlaw.  Amazingly, the first match after I took over was a cup game against my old Alma Cogan.  You could not have made it up.  As the goals rained in I was celebrating like mad on the touchline, but unfortunately I had gotten a bit confused, because Longside won 6-0. Still, I think it was harsh that my stint ended by mutual consent before the end of my first game in charge.

I see Paula Radcliffe might have run her last run.  Poor Paula has compilations with a foot injury and might have to retire.  I’ll always remember her for when she got caught short in a race and had to answer nature’s call at the side of the road.  It happens to the best of us – one time when I was playing for Culter against Banks O’Dee at Spain Park, the gaffer told us to make sure we was well hydrogenated before the game, so I downed 3 pints of lager.  20 minutes into the first half I was busting, so while the action was all up the other end, I went to the corner flag and spent a penny. Regressively, the linesman spotted me and the ref sent me off.  I was well miffed, but the gaffer was furious – Banks O’Dee scored whilst I was taking a leak, because I played their striker onside.