P&J column for 9.12.13

I’m in Kennethmont…Get me oot o’ here!

View from the Midden – rural affairs with MTV (Meiklewartle Television) presenter JOCK ALEXANDER.

Its been a challenging wik in the village. I’ve been real busy hosting Meiklewartle Television’s top Reality show, I’m In Kennethmont… Get Me Oot of Here!!! 6 celebrities, a’ competin’ tae be King or Queen! o’ Kennethmont. They’re camped oot in a pig-pen fit we’ve leased fae Skittery Wullie, and conditions are very basic. Nae electricity; nae het watter; and nae Wi-Fi. Although Dame Evelyn Glennie’s fae Methlick, so she’s thrivin on’t. There wiz excitement last night fan Willie Miller kicked aff, roaring and shouting that he wizna putting up wi bieng humiliated, until Joyce Falconer pointed out he used to manage the Dons. And earlier the day we hid a Bush Tucker Trial, and Cooncil leader Barney Crockett stepped up to the plate. Noo on MTV, we dinna hud wi witchetty grubs and kangeroo’s ba’s. At’s jist gadsy at. So oor celebs hiv tae keep doon somethin’ fae Feel Moira’s Burger Van, which is just as gadsy, but at least ye dinna ken fit it is yer eating. Although Barney got a clue fan he found a bit hoof stickin’ oot. Then we hid the efterneen challenge, fan Frank Gilfeather pit his hand into a tank o’ creepy crawlies; and the creepy crawlies run awa! Efter that, it wiz time fer the Gratuitous Shower Scene! Ayewis my favourite bittie. Although it wizna a’ I wiz hoping for. I dinna think I will iver be able to forget the image o’ Alex Salmond in a pair o tartan budgie-smugglers. Cheerio!

JONATHAN M LEWIS, local headmaster

As another term draws to a close here at Garioch Academy, I find myself brimming with pride at our youngsters’ achievements but, simultaneously, mindful of what the future might hold for these precious gems. Our Chancellor’s Autumn Statement provided a timely reminder that as my favourite troubadour Bob Dylan sang, ‘the times, they are a-changing’. A brilliant songwriter, Bob, albeit grammatically remiss! Of course, my stewardship at this fine school may well be over by the late 2040s, when the retirement age will rise to 69. Some may be concerned by the thought of near-septuagenarians educating their children, but they needn’t fret. They’ll be educating their children’s children. There was a clamour from our dedicated staff too, with several of our more experienced colleagues hammering down my door, desperation in their eyes, eager to find out if they would be permitted to extend their careers working with the increasingly respectful youth of today. Sadly, the thoughtless comments some parents levelled at our teachers in their late 50s resulted in a most unsavoury atmosphere at our recent parent council meeting. People must accept that there is nothing inherently wrong with Mrs White falling asleep in the science lab of a Friday afternoon. Who among us would not have been tired after a long week and a lunchtime cup of Horlicks? Especially in a warm science lab with all the Bunsen burners going full tilt. Admittedly, it would have been preferable if she had been awake before the curtains went up in flames, but she certainly woke up when the quick thinking third years grabbed the fire blanket she’d been using as a pillow. Criticism levelled at Mr Cooper in the geography department was equally uncalled for. It is churlish to suggest that the enormous banner he has made, counting down the days until his retirement, displays a lack of commitment to the school. Nothing could be further from the truth, he clearly made it to help pupils come to terms with his impending departure. He has further softened the blow by displaying a live video relay of the beach in Crete he’ll reluctantly head to in 31 working days.

KEVIN CASH – Money Saving Expert and King of the Grips

So the tax disc has been abolished. Happy days! Mind, it maks no odds to me. I dinna hae a car. At least, nae so far as Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs are concerned. The thing that looks a bittie like a Vauxhall Corsa that you might sometimes see in front of my hoose has a tomato plant growing in the glove box, and is therefore, technically, a mobile greenhoose. Mind, I dinna think the chancellor’s thocht through the consequences o’ this change, particularly for the hard-pressed small businessman. My pal, Mick the Pill, used to earn a crust by sellin knock-aff tax disks he made by colouring in the label aff a Guinness bottle and sticking the details on using his loon’s Lettraset. At a stroke, the Chancellor’s decision has shut him doon. I’m nae sure fit he’s gaan to dae noo, but the last time I seen him, he said he’d nicked a chemistry set, hot-wired a Camper Van and ripped all 5 series o’ “Breaking Bad” aff Youtube. He didna say far he wiz going, but he’s got femly up by Ballater, so if you hear o’ someone roaming round the Cairngorms running a crystal meth factory, ye’ll ken fa’s responsible. George Osborne.