P&J Column for 7.10.13

If the name they chose is ‘Chapel of Elsick’, just think what the ones they binned must be like!

Tanya Soutar, lifestyle advice with a local flavour


I dinna ken aboot youse, but I’ve eyewis funcied bein’ a pioneer.  An’ some lucky fowk’ll get the chunce tae dae jist that fan the North East’s new town opens fer business ower the next few years.  They hid the foundin’ ceremony at Chapelton o’ Elsick last wik an’ since then I’ve thought aboot nithin’ else than uppin’ sticks tae move there tae help pit the toon on the map.  Aye, eence they’ve got the first couple o’ nightclubs open!


Mind, spleet new planned communities run the risk o’ being branded cold and soulless.  I jist hope the planners mind to look efter the maist importantest things.


First of a’, they’ll hiv tae change that name!  They’ve pretty much cried it “Church o’ the Vomit” in Spanish.  It’s nae mony places that mak Bognor Regis sound bonnie!  I’d hiv thoucht they should name it efter some o’ those funcy continental places.  “Costa del Cammachmore” or “Newtonhill Nova” wid gie it a real touch o’ class.


Secondly, they’ve tae mak sure they get in plenty good shops.  As us Aiberdonians ken, nae toon is complete wi’oot 3 pound shops, 4 cash for gold merchants an’ a Primark.  I’ve heard a rumour that they’re plannin’ on haein’ a posh lunchtime eatery caterin’ fer the high-end market.  I jist hope ging really upscale.  I’m thinking Gregg’s.  I ken, I ken, but ye hiv to dream!


They’re plannin’ on openin’ a school in 2018.  So parents better prepare their bairns fer their important roles in the new school.  An’ onybdy fa thinks their kid’s got a shot at bein’ school bully can think again eence my Jayden an’ Tyler move oot there!


View for the Midden: Jock Alexander, presenter of MTV (Meikle Wartle Television), on the trials and tribulations of rural life

It’s been anither proximate wik in the village. I wiz amused tae hear a lot o’ fowk gassin’ and blowin’ aboot recent events in the U S of A, faur it appears that the hale country has shut doon due to an argument aboot money. Weel, that’s a regular occurrence here in Meikle Wartle. Usually the argument is a fiercely contested debate between twa sides that hiv adopted intractable positions, nae unlike that at’ween the Republicans and the Democrats.  Although in oor case it tends to revolve nae so much aboot the role o “big government” as a richt good stooshie atween Tam Broon and Skittery Wullie o’er fa’s turn it is tae buy the next round.  The first thing to close doon is the bar, efter the first few punches hiv gone in.  Efter that, the fechtin’ will usually escalate, and Tam will banjo his Massie Ferguson intae a telegraph pole while trying to mak a swift getaway.  Or at least as swift as ye can make in a piece o’ agricultural machinery that still has the baler attached.  So that’s us withoot power and, yes, the hale village his to shut doon!

Come to think of it, this is also the case during the annual ‘cold snap’ fan the temperature plummets and the snow starts drifting in aff the hills. There is nothing for it but tae stock up on the essentials.  Feel Moira maks sure she his a generous supply o’ coal – aye, she jist loves the taste o’ that stuff!  I personally favour my hame-made nettle and neep brandy.  Then ye jist hiv to batten doon the hatches and sit it oot till the crisis passes, secure in the knowledge that there’ll be anither een along verra shortly.  I wid certainly recommend that America diz the same. Cheerio!


Shelley Shingles – showbiz correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1993


It’s not every day Aberdeen is THE place to be for royal watching but OMG, last week the place wiz hoaching with them!  Prince Charles was here on Monday, which was totes amaze, and then Her Maj herself was in town the very next day to open the new emergency care centre at ARI.  I bumped into her up there after I absent-mindedly picked my nose files getting a manicure and got een of my shellac nails stuck up my nostril.  Awkward!  Liz was wearing a bright tangerine outfit – I’m guessing she was off to open a new training facility for Dundee United efterwards.  I got led in files she wiz coming oot.  I wiz bubbling and greeting wi snot running doon my nose and mascara awye.  I’ve nae rocked that look since Scotty Booth dumped me in Franklins in 1995!  I still minded to curtsey though!


Of course, I’ve rubbed shoulders with the Royal family heaps in my time.  Me and Charlie, or Chazza as his closest pals get to cry him, go way back.  I first met him up Royal Deeside.  I was going out with a real hunk at the time that was into hill-walking.  We wiz going up Lochnagar but I had to pack it in.  Well, nobody told me that stilettos and a mini-skirt wasn’t ideal clothing for munro-bagging, LOL!  Anyway, I was slumped over a rock in the recovery position demanding that my boyfriend phone the mountain rescue.  He wasn’t having any of it because we were still in the car park!  Chazza strolled past in the kilt, quite the thing.  I’ll never forget what he said to me: “I’d put ice on that ankle if I were you”.  Wise words from a true gent.