P&J Column for 5.5.14

Why on earth was Jeremy Clarkson reciting ‘Eeny-meeny’? That is schoolboy stuff.

Entertainment News with Shelley Shingles, Miss Fetteresso 1985

OMG! Bad times for all the single ladies out there. Totes dreamboat George Clooney has gone and gotten engaged! I’m delighted for him, obvs, but I don’t understand why he chose a 37 year old Oxford educated human-rights lawyer when Khloe Kardashian is still single. He could have had his pick from the bevy of beauties in the biz, myself included! I had a lot in common with Georgie’s previous squeeze, Stacey Keibler. She was an underwear model and former wrestler, just like me. Her in Maxim and the WWE, me in Kay’s Catalogue and a paddling pool full of Angel Delight that one time at Flicks of Brechin.
Still, there was some good news for us bachelorettes this week with the revelation that Prince Harry is back on the market. Apparently him and Cressida have split up after a row about an air fare. I know what that’s like. My relationship wih Robin Galloway never recovered from his failure to pay my bus home from Balnagask when we went for a smooch at the Torry battery. While I’m soz for Harry, it does mean we’re not going to face the prospect of a Princess named after the green bits in an egg sandwich, and it’s game on again for anyone who fancies a bit of royal ginger. I’m already honing my strip billiard skills. Who’d have thought that the fact that there’s a pool hall next to Private Eyes would make Aberdeen’s Chapel Street the ideal location for a debutantes’ finishing school?
Another man in his 50s that hit the headlines is Jeremy Clarkson. He’s in hot water over footage of him reciting “Eeny meeny miney moe”. Jeremy looked very contrite in his video apology, explaining how he hadn’t done anything wrong. He made it clear how he had used a word that sounds exactly like the ‘N’ word but wasn’t intended to sound like the ‘N’ word. So that’s alright. And wasn’t it great to see James May and Richard Hammond coming out and supporting their pal in his hour of need? It goes to show the camaraderie and friendship you can build while you’re establishing a multi-million pound entertainment franchise. It is a tricky issue though. All the rhymes we used said as kids to choose who was “it” have swear words, racist terms or domestic violence in. I don’t know about you, but I think the whole thing raises some really big questions. Most importantly, what was Jeremy playing at? Kiss-chase, British Bulldogs or high-dellys?

Struan Metcalfe, MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether regions – an apology

It is with deep regret that I unreservedly offer this week’s apology. Mine comes in a week where one might have expected more apologies from other senior politicians, but, sadly it is only Struan Metcalfe who puts his best foot forward having just taken it out of his mouth. I very sorry for my tweet of Thursday which went thusly:

“So Chairmen Alex says he admires Russian Prez. Putin? Misquoted! Meant to say he Admires Russian Pres. puttin’ the boot into his neighbours! Role model for big Eck? Arf”.

I should make it perfectly clear that there is nothing funny about the Ukrainian crisis. And there are no similarities between that and the Scottish independence debate. In no way is Salmond a belligerent despot, greedy for power. I’m sure it’s just the biscuits. There is also nothing faintly amusing about Putin or indeed any other brutal megalomaniac, such as Genghis Khan, Idi Amin or Adolf Hitler. They were not good blokes who took a bit of rough and tumble too far (like Edward “The Nut Cracker” Cadwallader, my contemporary at Gourdonstoun and the inventor of Shower Wrestling. The smell of Vosene still makes me naseous).

Speaking of vomit inducing stuff, my old pal Nige Farage has had some bother with a few of his party faithful this week. They’ve been foolish enough to tweet what they really think! Pretty dreadful stuff IMHO. Nigel’s reaction was to describe UKIP as having “some idiots”. Cripes, talk about stating the obvious. But, i being an idiot never disqualified anyone from politics.That’s what my guidance teacher used to say to me, anyway.

Kevin Cash, money saving expert and king of the grips.

Power cuts is a right pain, eh? Resetting aa yer clocks and watching telly by candle light? Still, the potential for spurious compensation claims provides a silver lining so lucrative it’s almost enough to mak me wish I didn’t get my electricity by tapping into my doonstairs neighbour’s supply. It’s amazing the wye that naebody’s power iver fails fan their fridge freezer is empty, ken fit I mean? Still, you’ve to be careful. A few years ago, my pal, Mick the Pill, had a power outtage and claimed fan aa the cannabis plunts he wiz growing under artificial light died. 6 months in the Torry Hilton did save him big style in bed and board, but he only gied it one star on Trip Advisor, so it wiz poor value overall.