P&J Column for 5.1.15

2015 is the Chinese Year of the Sheep. Surely that’s a good omen for the Dons?

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit whose second touch is a tackle

What a festival period it has been for the Dons! The New Year’s Day 2-0 demonstration of St Johnstone saw the Dandies at the pineapple of the Premier League. And when Celtic’s game against Partick got cried off the Reds was there for more than just a few hours! That’s not something that ever usually often happens. Apart from at the start of the season, before a shin has even been kicked, when Aberdeen always gets top spot thanks to being first in Arithmetical order.

Older Dons fans might remember the ditzy heights of first place, but there’s a whole generation of the Red Army what must be suffering Verdigris when they look at the table!

I’m hoping that when the transfer window opens the board will be ambiguous, and push the boot out with real high-profile signing. And who better than Stevie Gerrard, who’s just announced that he is going to leave Anfield at the end of the season for postures new. Stevie says that wherever he goes, he won’t line up against his boyhood club. Well Aberdeen should work out perfect. We’ll be in the Champions’ League next year and there’s no way Liverpool will make it, the season they’re having!

He’d fit straight in, too, after 18 years of passing to team mates in red he wouldn’t need to spend pre-season getting used to a new shirt colour. That’s what spoiled my short career at Brechin City. I’d just moved north from Hearts and was finding it difficult to adjust to the new strip. The fans was very understanding at first, overlooking the odd stray pass, but they couldn’t forgive me when I laid it on a plate for Arbroath’s striker in the local grunge match. In the bar afterwards I says to the Gaffer I says “Sorry boss, what a time to forget we was playing in red and white!” He says “Aye Kenny, that was some howler. Me and the lads were wondering what colour you thought we were playing in?” I never seen it coming, so I says to him, I says “Maroon”. The whole team grinned and says “Cheers Kenny, pint of lager please!”

Tanya Souter, Lifestyle Expert

I dinna ken if you seen it, but in the papers a couple of weeks back there wiz a story about a mannie fa hid tae ging up to ARI efter getting bitten by a crocodile! “Far fetched trock!” I thought, “Fa wid believe yon?” But then on Hogamanay, it happened to me and aa! Within thirty seconds of the bells, I wiz bitten by a crocodile, snogged by a goose and goosed by an Oompa Loompa! They wiz three fermers fae Mintlaw in a funcy-dress. Afore I kent it, I wiz in Union Terrace Gardens wi ‘them, scoofing fae their mixie of Vodka and Moray Cup and sharing the corned beef sandwiches their ma’s had made to save them hiving to tak oot mortgages to pey for a kebab . Ken is? That country boys really ken foo to treat a quine!

Still on the subject of unexpected animal encounters, the internet wiz buzzing wi’ news of Dumbledore, the seal fa fetched up in a field, 24 mile fae the sea. Apparently he hid pneumonia, got confused and followed a stream inland! Mind you, he wizna the only craitur waking up in a strange place feeling nae weel and disorientated over the last few days! At least he hid the benefit of a crack team of hunky RSPCA experts. On New Year’s morning, I hid to disentangle my ain hair fae the Rhododendron I woke up in, and walk the 3 mile hame in stillettos. I hear Dumbledore’s making a good recovery efter a course of antibiotics and some fish. I’m on the mend an aa, efter a box of Panodol, twa litres of irn bru, and fit wiz left of a corned beef sandwich.

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands most eligible bachelor

Monday 5th January, back tae work. How in the name of Kelly Brook did that happen? It’s a thought, is it? Jimmy lives for the wikend, ‘cause it’s nae fun for a postie in January trudging roon Clifton, Hilton and Woodside delivering credit card statements telling folk foo much debt they’ve racked up on booze, prezzies and Cadbury’s Heroes.

But Christmas and New Year isnae jist the maist wonderful time of the year for Andy Williams. As ye ken, Jimmy is dynamite wi’ the chicks and from the first Friday night in December tae The Bells on Hoggers, it is like shooting fish in a barrel. The best place tae be is next tae the slippy dunce fleer in Club Tropicana. Efter a works night oot, Lambrini loving quines in teetery shoes is aye falling ower whilst letting rip tae “Like a Prayer”. At which point Gentleman Jimmy springs intae action, catches them afore they hit the grun, and wi’ a dashing smile, asks if they is ok. If a Christmas kiss is forthcoming, I will then prove that chivalry is nae deid, wi’ a macaroni pie and half a pint of milk on the wye hame. Success rate = 90%.

In fact, wi’ moves like that, if I dinna get at least one trap on ony given evening in December it’s only ‘cause that’s the nicht I’m at hame wi’ Ma Hollywood watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in oor matching onesies.