CAMBRIDGE; Weelum and Kate (née Middleton) are delighted to announce the safe arrival of George (Dod). Great-Granny chuffed to bits.

I dinna ken aboot youse, but I wis affa pleased tae see Wills and Kate get their bairnie this wik. Being born at the end of July, means that just like me, he’s a Cancer. So he’ll hae a strong sense of tradition and is destined tae rise tae the top of his field. Which must be a relief tae his mum and dad. If Kate had hud on for just a few mair oors he’d have been a Leo, and Prince Philip would’ve dangled him aff the balcony at Buckingham Palace for a chorus of ‘The Circle of Life’.

I really like the name an a’. I didna at first, but it’s grown on me. At first I thought ‘George’? Gads. But the mair I thocht aboot it, the mair I liked it. There’s a lot of great George’s oot there these days, Clooney, Galloway, Zippy’s pal. But wee Prince Dod isna named for ony of them. My royal insider (Big Sonja, eence seen Camilla buying fags in the Co-opie at Ballater) tells me he’s been cried George efter the magic clothes range at Asdas. I buy a’ my summer dresses there and I’m gled that Kate obviously dis the same. I wonder if she’s still the same size, noo she’s dropped een and a’thin’ll be oot of shape?

I must say, though, I dinna agree with the folk moaning about the blanket coverage. In all the reports I seen, the blanket hardly got a mention.Mind you, there wis an affa lot aboot it on the TV on Monday nicht. My Darren said it wis great, fit surprised me, but then he said it meant he didnae hae tae sit through ‘Long Lost Families’. It wis a bit much though. The BBC should’ve let peer auld Nicholas Witchell awa tae his bed lang afore they did. I wis feart he’d keel o’er. The big problem wis, efter they’d telt us ‘It’s a boy, pound 6, ab’dy fine’ there wisna much else tae say. Fit we really wanted wis tae see the big event in all its glory. Like their wedding, but withoot the Archbishop of Canterbury and with mair gas and air. Efter aboot twa oors I switched aff the rolling news, cut oot Wills and Kate’s faces fae this month’s OK, stuck them onto my telly and watched an auld episode of ‘One Born Every Minute’

And did ye see the media scrum outside the Hospital? The bairnie wisnae even a day auld fan he’d tae appear at his first photocall. Shame. I ken exactly how Wills & Kate must feel- I had the press camped ootside my door for days an a’, that time I left my seventh bairnie ootside William Hills.  It’s nae fine!

CAVA KENNY CORDINER, the football pundit with the crunching tackle

Sometimes even an old stager like me who has literally saw it all, has to read a headline twice to believe it.  That was the case this week when I seen that a Cristiano Ronaldo free kick had broke a young lad’s wrist during a match between Real Madrid and AFC Bournemouth. I never knew that Bournemouth was in Spain.  Mind you, I went there once on holiday with my folks and the weather was quite topical.  That Ronaldo must have some shot on him though to break the poor little loon’s wrist.  I have often said that, footballing-wise, me and Ronaldo are simulator in many ways, and seriously injuring innocent fans is just one of them.

I’ll never forget that match.  It was a December evening, in baking hot sunshine, and Longside was losing 3-0 to Maud in the McLeman cup.  Their winger had been giving me the running round for the whole of the 90 minutes and when he nutmegged me for the third time in a row he shouts at me, he shouts “Ole!” I was surprised and angry. Angry that he was making me look like a conker and surprised that Maud had signed a Spaniel. 

The next time he got the ball I decided enough was enough and I slid in on him hard.  Even old Kenny will admit it was a bad one.  His left boot came clean off, spirographed through the air and hit a young spectator right in the testimonials.  He went down like a sack of tatties and he stayed down for a long time.  When he finally did get up he looked like a puppet what had had some of its strings cut.  His mum and dad was raging.  The ref was raging.  I tried to tell them it was the Spanish lad’s boot what done the damage but once again I was unfairly sent off.  Diabolical.