P&J Column for 26.5.14

Poor old Putin; you annexe one neighbour and people start comparing you to Hitler.

Cosmo Ludovik Fawkes-Hunte, 13th Earl of Kinmuck

Some are saying that Prince Charles has disgraced himself by comparing Putin to Hitler and thus demonstrated that he is not fit to be King.  Prime balderdash encrusted with truffled piffle and served with a side-order of buttered humbug.  What the chattering classes forget is that the aristocracy marches to the beat of a different drum.  Sitting through endless state banquets and continually saying “What do you do?” gives a fellow a different cast of mind, and he starts to court controversy as a means of giving some kind of meaning to the day.  And anyway – what is royalty for, if not to needlessly tweak the nose of the mighty Russian bear?

Of course, we Kinmucks have long enjoyed good relations with Monarchs named Charles.  The Third Earl was a bosom buddy of Charles I, in fact, it was he who encouraged him to stand up to Cromwell, on the basis that he was a low-born, plooky, oaf and anyway, what was the worst thing that could happen?  That approach didn’t go so well for old Chazza, as it turned out, but relations between the King and the Kinmucks were restored by the Fourth Earl, who used to go out roistering with Charles II.  With this in mind, I have recently been reaching out to the Prince of Wales, reminding him of the old familial link and offering my counsel on affairs of state.

I’ve given him some advice on how to deal with Putin when they meet up in Normandy next month.  I’ve told him –‘Don’t flim-flam or shilly shally about. Go straight up to him, extend the hand of friendship, then draw it away at the last moment, and flick him an internationally recognised rude gesture. I’m sure that all loyal subjects will agree that this is the way to go. Particularly those who, like me, have a significant shareholding in the munitions industry.

‘Cava’ Kenny Cordiner – the football pundit who can go no further with the resources at his disposal.

It’s been another tipsy-turkey week in football with one manager handing in their notice boards, another one getting in a fight and a Welshman scoring in the Champions league final. It just goes to show that you can’t not make it up.

I couldn’t believe my ears when I seen the news the other day that the Dons’ first tie in next season’s Europa league will be on the 3rd of July! That’s a mental date to start a football season! Call me old fashioned, but all footballers should be a stone overweight, sunning themselves on a beach on the Costco Brava until the first of August. Some of my managers used to leave me on the bench until September. They must of thought I still had jet leg.

Gareth Bale nodded one in for Real Madrid against Athletico Madrid to win the Champion’s League on Saturday. So it was commiserations to the Athleticans, and they was dancing in the streets of Real. With their two top teams contesting the final, it looks like anyone who fancy’s a flutter on the winner of this years’ World Cup could do worse than put a few quid on the Spaniels.

Also this week Ex Man United gaffer David Moyes got himself into a bit of a hot water bottle. He was questioned by the cops after a bit of a squirmish outside a wine bar. Apparently some Herbert was hurlting abuse about his sacking and Moyesy lost it.  I find my royalties is divided with this story. As a former footballer I would never have allowed some wee nyaff to give me gyp with impurity, but as a former wine bar owner, I can guarantee that no violent behavior was never condoled at ‘Enforcers’.

The big news of course is Neil Lennon hanging up his shell suit at Celtic. He was always a contraverbial figure during his time in charge, was Neil.  He had a long running vienetta with the referees and had an alteration on the touch line with that Hearts fan. In the media, speculum is rife about who will be his successor with Henrik Larsson the bookie’s favourite. I think it’s risky for playing legends to return to a club as a manager. They always run the risk of varnishing their image. That is why, if the Pittodrie hot tub ever becomes available, you won’t never catch me throwing my ring in the hat!

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands most eligible bachelor

Frankie ‘ten chins’ Ivers wis telling me this week that the oil company he works for is opening up their new premises in Dundee. And some of their competitors is moving fae the Granite City tae places like Forres, Bathgate and even Newcastle. He wis saying it’s because they’ve been through aa the recruitment agencies and suchlike and discovered that Aiberdeen his a serious lack of talent.

 I ken we are nae the biggest city in the world but that canna be right, surely? I cant help thinking these folk are looking in the wrang place. Faniver I’m in Amicus Apple on a Friday it’s absolutely hoaching wi talent!