P&J Column for 26.2.15

If MPs aren’t allowed second jobs, how will Nick Clegg pay his mortgage in June?

Struan Metcalfe, Conservative MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Nether Regions

Red Ed writes to Super Dave campaigning for a ban on MP’s having second jobs? Get real, Mr. Bean! The Labour Party leader says that MPs shouldn’t have a second job, let alone a third. The poor chap’s deluded. A Westminster salary is less than that of a Head Teacher. How on Earth is a Krug-quaffing, Bentley driving, lap-dancing connoisseur supposed to survive on £68k a year? I should say, for the avoidance of doubt, that your humble correspondent is the lap danc-ee rather than the lap danc-er. Not that I haven’t had offers, but that’s a tale to keep under wraps til I’m writing my memoirs, unless Annabel Goldie beats me to it!

Ed’s comments are made in light of the recent “scandal” concerning Sir Malky ‘Riffers” Rifkind and Jack Straw-Hat. The grandees were filmed by an undercover TV crew from Channel 4 offering access to government officials for a fee. Nothing wrong in that, surely? What’s the world coming to when an old politician can’t cash in on his contacts when his Gravy Train Seniors Railcard is about to expire?   Their only mistake appears to be getting caught on tape giving away their day rates – £5k for a morning’s work. (to give some context, thats cheaper than Lady Gaga, but desrer than the Chuckle Brothers).

But let us be clear about this. As it stands, MPs are allowed to take on other employment as long as they declare their financial interests. I’m happy to declare mine here and now – money, money and money.

And spare a thought for us poor MSPs. We have to pootle by on just £55k a year, plus expenses (and you’d be surprised how expensive Ingrid, my new unpaid researcher, can be!). Thank goodness for the Home to Work and Family Allowance. Without that I have no idea how I’d get back home to see Her Indoors and the brats in our new family home. In the Cayman Islands. LOL!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in two-footed.

It’s true what they say – you couldn’t not make it up. This week a FIFA taskhorse has recommended that the 2022 World Cup should get played in the winter.

If they asked me, which they never, I would of says to them that the World Cup is inexpertly linked with that other famous season, summer. All over the world people paint their faces, party in the streets, and watch top class pundits in their shirtsleeves and without no ties on. Summer and the World Cup go together like pie and bovril, or sectarian chanting and the SPL not doing nothing about it. For me, the fine weather is a vital part of the World Cup’s carnal atmosphere. But apparently it gets triflingly hot in July in Catarrh, so these clowns has said it would be best played in November and December.

November and December? Is they mental? Old Kenny is no expert at Geometry, but even I know that’s right in the middle of winter. No matter where it is, it’ll be Baltic!

Of course, Kenny is no stranger to playing in unhospital weather. The worst ever was a January match between Locos and Forres Mechanics up at Mosset Park. The match kicked off in blizzard conditions and it was grass monkeys out there. We couldn’t see the grass, and the gaffer didn’t give a monkey’s. It was so slippy that when I went in for a sliding tackle on their winger – I kept going and cleaned out 3 of them. Before I’d come to a stop the ref had given me 2 yellows, a red and my jotters. I’ll be honest though, I was so cold I never minded going for an early bath!

Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman

So Glasgow is being riven asunder by a bitter dispute about the proposed demolition of the Royal Concert Hall steps in order to make way for an extention to the Buchananan Galleries shopping centre. Hundreds have objected to the proposal. Thousands have signed an online petition condemning rampant capitalism, the craze for development and the compromising of a much-loved local landmark. No doubt some of our small minded political opponents would expect this administration to be revelling in the discomfort of a rival city. However, nothing could be further from the truth. The situation in Glasgow just provides proof – if more were needed – that where Aberdeen leads, others follow.