Lateral thinking on all day drinking and friends, revenge and feet that are twinkling

Alexander Sang, Chairman of the executive committee of the licensing board

I write these words to reassure the people of Aberdeen worried about the effects of extended licensing hours, and in order to clear up any potential misunderstandings.  Yes, an application to extend the opening hours of nightclubs until 6 am has been received, but the Licensing Board has not yet made a decision on this matter. 

I realise that many people will be against the proposal, but as when any change is proposed, there are arguments for and against.  In particular, this board recognises that people who like to drink an absolute bucket are likely to be in favour.  Their views deserve to be treated with respect, even if they are being articulated in a stream of incoherent ramblings.  Initial soundings have already established that wee mannies who run corner shops selling irn bru, butteries and panadol also favour the move, believing that sales will be boosted.  Perhaps harnessing the need to recover from the crippling hangover is the shot in the arm that the economy requires, and years from now people will speak of Aberdeen’s role in leading the recovery that was based upon recovery.  Whatever happens, I can assure the people of Aberdeen that we will debate the issue with our usual lucidity, impartiality and fair-mindedness.  And then there will be an appeal to the Sheriff Principal, and you can get a proper answer.

View from the Midden, with MTV (Meikle Wartle Television) personality Jock Alexander

It has been an intemperate wik in the village.  I must say I hiv been amazed tae hear that the big city is debatin’ the issue o’ a 6am lousin’ time for pubs and clubs.  Ye widna get onyb’dy here agreein wi such a thing.  Cos oot here, ab’dy’s totally sozzled 24/7. Here in Miekle Wartle we hiv a “relaxed” attitude tae Licensing Hours: which is to say, we hinna got ony. We jist keep goin’, in the words of The Kinks, ‘a’ day, and a’ of the nicht’ – especially during the winter months, fan we find the internal heat of a good skinful is highly beneficial.  We hiv no problems wi gangs of drunken youths staggerin hame at the same time as workin’ fowk are commutin- nah nah, cos ab’dy’s too drunk tae min’ far they work.  And as naeb’dy’s sober enough tae remember fa paid for a round either, it’s often an afa cheap nicht as weel. And files there’s still one bottle o homemade neep and nettle brew stewin’ awa in my sheddie, we shall continue this great rural tradition.

Cheerio!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in feet first

This week the possibility that we might be facing a winter World Cup in the Middle East in 2022 has taken a step closer towards itself.  The Ataris is rolling in dough, what with all that oil and having invented the video console, but noo the boffins has worked oot that you can’t air condition a hale country after all and the whole process has been thrown into leopardy.  Still, switching the World Cup to winter would be a big decision to be took.  I just hope it doesn’t come back to flaunt them.  If this World Cup gets ruined by snow, FIFA’s going to end up looking pretty stupid.

The papers his also been full o the enclosures made in former ref Mark Halsey’s book aboot his friendliness wi Fergie.  It’s shocking stuff.  When I played for the Dons, I didna think Fergie wid be friends with anyone, let alone a whistler.  My own relationship wi Fergie was very much a love-hate one.  I loved to stop in by the Pittodrie bar after training, and he hated it.

Anyway, Halsey has turned around and said it in his autobiography, and fit has made it worse is that he wrote that autobiography himself.  Since the news come out, my phone has been red hot.  The lovely Melody says it’s an electrical fault and we need to buy a new een.  But it was still working well enough for a journalist to ask me, did I ever get too close to a referee?  Which made me think o the time I was playing in the Junior Leagues for Auchinleck Talbot. 

Big Jocky Hunter had played wi me at Brechin City towards the skylight o’ his career.  Once the glory days o’ playing at Glebe Park wiz over, he started reffing in the Junior Leagues.  He bade round the corner from me and we was always sharing lifts and going for a pint after games.  One day, the Talbot had a grudge match against Dundee Violet, and Jocky was ref.  Their playmaker was taking liberties.  Tricks, flicks, trying to pass the ball through the midfield – all sorts.  I decided to teach him a lesson and went in from behind off my long run-up.  It was a strong challenge, but fair.  Well the ball wiz in the same half as him, and that was usually close enough in the Juniors.  But Jocky was straight over and out with the red.  I couldna believe it.  He had clearly been influenzad by the fact that the lad’s false teeth came flying oot his head wi the impact, and I was not slow to tell him.  Pal or no pal, we had a right barney there and then, and my head accidentally came into contact with his nose, twice. 

The disciplinary panel thought I’d got significantly too close to him, and banned me for 12 games.

See The Flying Pigs live in Finzean in the Rain, November 7-16, at HM Theatre, Aberdeen