P&J Column for 24.3.14

The Chancellor thinks you can be bought cheap, and a terrible week for Aberdeenshire sheep

Tanya Soutar, Local Lifestyle Guru

I dinna ken aboot youse, but I’m nae really a fan of politics.  Faniver I accidentally flick past QVC and catch a bit of the Parliament channel, there’s aye a load of reed faced mannies shouting and jeering at each ither. It fair minds me on Darts night at the Masada Bar. 

Fan it comes tae budget day though, I’m glued til’t.  It’s nae an easy watch, like. Especially fan yon shiny faced boy wi the little reed suitcase gets intae his stride.  Fit’s the deal with that onywye? It ayewis minds me on Paddington Bear. It’s a gye scaffie looking thing, though, is it? If there’s £200 Million available for fixing potholes, then surely there’s 15 quid for a decent new briefcase for the loon.  Onywye, aa this guff aboot income tax, pension annuities and ISAs jist maks my heid spin. So I wis jist aboot ready tae switch ower tae Countdoon fan the juicy bits got started. The best thing about a budget is working oot foo it will affect your ane day-to-day finances, and then working oot fa’s taken a bigger hit than you. This time, the big losers are fowk earning ower twa hunner thousand a year, they’re going tae be £5 a year worse aff. Shame. So here’s my run doon on fit this budget means fer us normal fowk.

First of a’, they’ve slashed the taxes fer Bingo, fit means ye’d actually be financially bappit NAE tae play it 3 nights a wik.  So that’s a good thing. 

Secondly, they’ve pit up the taxes on yon roulette machines in i’ bookies, meaning fowk that canna afford tae lose hunners on them can now do so even quicker.  That’s a bad thing. Since me an Big Sonja got banned fae aa the casinos in toon, the closest we get tae being a Bond girl these days is hingin’ aroon the Coral’s on Auchinyell Road in oor cat suits.

Lastly, they’ve taen 1p aff the price of a pint of lager.  Some fowk are moaning aboot that, saying they’d be as well nae bothering.  Weel, they hinna carried oot a detailed bit of accoonting like me.  I worked oot that fer ivry 300 pints I hae in the Foundry, I’ve saved up enough fer a free een.  That’s a pint a wik!

Like I says, I dinna really like politics. But I div like beer and Bingo, so at’s fit wye, come the Referendum, I’m voting Conservative!

View From the Midden with Mtv (Meikle Wartle Television) presenter Jock Alexander

Michty, it’s been a victorious wik in the village. Nae doot folk in the big city failed tae notice, fit wi aa the excitement following the Dons cup win, but last wik also saw a great sporting triumph oot here, wi the final of the Meikle Wartle Rules Fitba Chumpions Cup. I ken the game is nae as widely kent as the frankly inferior toonser version fit gets aa the coverage, but ab’dy here much prefers it.

It’s a tremendous sport, is Meikle Wartle rules fitba, played by ab’dy in the village, in yon affa boggy field oot by the sewage works.  It’s a heady mix of shinty, rugby and tattie rouging, which can be a thochtie on the rough side. Sliding tackles are prohibited, but players may use fists, elbows, sharp rocks and lumps of wid. The Chumpions Cup is a knockoot tournament in the truest sense of the word, and in the unlikely event that baith players are still upright and conscious at the final whistle, the winner is the een fa kicks the maist root vegetables intae the back of auld Tam’s greenhoose.

Man of the Match wiz of course Feel Moira, fa scored a bruising 23-Nil victory o’er wee Hamish, the grocer’s loon. It’s fair to say that he wis demolished in the final. As indeed wiz auld Tam’s greenhoose. And maist of the ground fleer of his hoose. Jubilant fans were so impressed wi the victory that they took tae chanting the chorus tae ‘Vienna’ by Ultravox, changing the word ‘Vienna’ tae ‘Feel Moira’ on the basis that her name has the same number of syllables as, though otherwise sounding almost completely unlike, the original line. The next thing we kent, Skittery Willie hid sterted a campaign tae get it back intae the hit parade! It’s sure tae happen, jist as soon as we get through tae Diddy David Hamilton at Radio London. For some reason he’s nae returning wir calls.

Celebrations hiv continued for days. Feel Moira got a special winner’s parade in an open-top cairtie full of pigs, which was towed by my Massie Ferguson doon the A96. You should hiv heard aa the happy motorists, beeping their horns in support. Then we hid the fire works display, fit ended sadly fan a stray sparkler set alight a pair of Border Leicesters fae Dod Middleton’s prize flock. Ironically, files the Dons fans could only sing aboot it, here in Meikle Wartle, the sheep actually were on fire. So, in the end, Fitba wiz the winner, but lovers of roast lamb did nae bad, either. Cheerio!