A no-show for a kid’s party? That’s absolute schoolboy stuff.

Kevin Cash, Money Saving Expert and King of the Grips

Fan I seen in the paper that a mannie wis charged a £15.95 “no show” fee fan his loon didna attend a pal’s party, I wiz absolutely shocked. Nae sending yer bairn to a kiddie’s party? Far’s the value in that? With The Works selling 3 assorted dinosaur toys for less than £2, a present for the host can be secured for under a quid. The party bag alone is worth mair than that, and by the time you factor in food, drink, cake, and twa oors free childcare, you are well up on the deal, even if you dinna sew concealed pooches into your kid’s seemit for him to stash sausage rolls in – which, obviously, I do. I have niver yet refused an invitation for my loon Devyn to ging to a kiddie’s perty, and fan he hisna got een, we hing around ootside community centers and play-barns keeping an eye oot for the tell-tale signs – balloons and a car park full of 4×4’s. As a result, we hivna hid to feed him at the wikend for fower years and my pal, Mick the Pill, his secured a steady supply of Capri Sun.

And of course it’s nae just kiddies perties that can be turned into an unexpected money-spinner. Caul weather offers a host of opportunities. My ain favourites include reducing my electricity bill by sticking the milk oot on the back step and turning aff the fridge, emptying the Cooncil grit bins and selling the contents door to door, and pouring a bucket of water doon a steep brae on a frosty evening, then standing there in the morning and offering to shove stressed motorists up the icy slope. At a tenner a pop. That’s the value!

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands’ most eligible bachelor

Ye winna ken this but Mither Hollywood wis een of the first quines iver tae appear on Page 3 of The Sun. It wis the 18th of October 1970. They were doing a special wik of North East beauties and she appeared as Miss Froghall, with nothing but a big plate of rowies tae hide her modesty. We keep the photo on oor mantlepiece. My Uncle Eddie aye his a sneaky deek faniver he comes roon tae borrow a cup of sugar. He gets through a lot of sugar, dis Uncle Eddie. Aye, he’s nae my real uncle. He’s a second cousin.

Onywye, proud as I am of Mither Hollywood, naebody wiz happier than me fan the news broke that The Sun is stopping its regular Page 3. Much as I am a great admirer of the female form, The Sun is supposed tae be a newspaper and I’m nae sure that it’s “news” that Kelsey fae Walton-On-The-Naze his got her swimsuit on back-to-front.

These days, ye canna love the ladies, like fit Jimmy dis, and nae be a feminist. In Germaine Greer’s ‘The Female Eunuch’ (nae as racy a read as I wis expecting, tae be honest) She says that bras are a symbol of patriarchal oppression and women should jist tak them aff. Jimmy is in total agreement, ken?

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in studs up

They do say that there is not nothing lasts forever, and Aberdeen’s 8-game clean-sheet winning streak has turned out to be one of that things. I was at Pittodrie on Saturday to see the Dandies come crashing down to earth with a blimp. Fair play to the lads, though, who fought till the dying moments to salvage a 3-3 draw with Dundee. McInnes has distilled a never-say-do-or-die attitude, and the lads know it isn’t over til the fat lady blows the final whistle. I was the same back when I was playing – 90 minutes of blood, sweat and tears. My sweat, and my opponent’s blood and tears, usually.

Speaking of 90 minutes, what a shambles there was at Ibrox last week! They seem to go from one apostrophe to another at the moment. Having their televised top of the table clash with Hearts abandoned early in the first half was Sunday league stuff. Except on a Friday. Ibrox is allergically a top-class European stadium, but they hadn’t even turned on their undersoil heating. It just goes to show, if they can’t even keep their grass in order, Ally McCoist and Kenny McDowall have got a lot to learn on their gardening leave.