It’s time to get tough on crime, and tough on the victims of crime.

PC Bobby Constable, Local Community Policeman

The Aberdeen public will no doubt be concerned by the recent spate of car thefts that have affected the city.  There’s been great excitement doon the station aboot this.  The helicopter’s been oot and a’thin, and the boys in the traffic division hiv been on iTunes downloading the theme fae The Streets of San Fransisco to play on their car stereos faniver they get a chase.

But let’s be honest, you’ve naebdy tae blame but yersels. These thefts is simply the price we pay for the oil boom.  With wealth has come the trappings of success: the BMW, the Mercedes Benz, the Audi.  And where there are the trappings of success, you may be sure that there will also be nerdowells lurking in your driveway waiting til you go t’yer bed, to try your door.  These professional car thieves – or, to use the technical law enforcement nomenclature, nyaffs – come to Aberdeen from other less prosperous cities and engage in a form of wealth redistribution different fae the een Karl Marx hid in mind (well I presume it’s nae fit he hid in mind; “Das Kapital” dizna really say much aboot fit to dae to the drivers of pimped-oot SUVs).

While the influx of these nyaffs may be inconvenient to the law-abiding public, spare a thought for the true victims – our local thieves and chuncers, who now find their ability to earn a dishonest crust seriously compromised by unfair competition.  Futret McKechnie wiz in tears fan he wiz speaking to me aboot this jist the ither day, although that may have been because I wiz using reasonable force to encourage him to assist in my enquiries at the time.

So fit can we do to prevent these thefts?  Well, the simple, old-fashioned precautions are the best.  Ensure the car is locked with the windows fully closed.  Ensure that your home is properly secure (many car thefts arise as a result of keys having been stolen during a residential break-in).  Or jist hide on the back seat under a travelling rug and loup up, roaring and brandishing a 4-iron if ye see onyone shifty. 

Alternatively, with a bit o’ lateral thinking, you can reduce the chances of falling victim to crime.  Sell the beemer and instead treat yourself to something that is less easy to steal – a hair transplant, perhaps.  And wi’ whatever is left over, buy a beige Fiat Panda.  After receiving a disappointing offer from “We buy any car”, the current Mrs Constable parked our een doon at the beach esplanade three weeks ago wi the keys in the ignition.  Nae takers so far.  Good news for crime stats and Admiral car insurance; bad news for our round the world cruise fund.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football writer who gets into them, heid first.

I was well impressed with Scotland last week.  They have totally turned a cornetto with my old pal Gordon Strachan at the helm and claimed another big skelp by beating Croatia at Hampden.  We’ve done them up like a kipper home and away even though they ended up second in the group.  Makes you wonder what might have been if we had done better against Whales.  But even though Scotland was playing, I couldn’t help myself get caught up in the hoola-baloon in England.

I can’t get my head roundabout the English media.  They spend weeks saying that England have got no hope of qualifying for the World Cup.  Then, when they beat Poland and Montezuma, suddenly the press start banging on about them winning the whole thing!  Sure, they qualified without needing a pay-off, but they hut the headlines for all the wrong reasons.

First of all, the FA chairman, Greg Dyke, is saying that England won’t win the World Cup this time round, and they will wait until 2018 or 2022 to win it.  They can’t pick and choose surely?  I only ever played under one gaffer who used to talk like that.  He used to tell us we mightn’t win this game but we would win the next one, and what did that get him?  2 years in jail for match-fixing. 

Secondly, Roy Hodgson got himself into a bit of hot bother with his half time team talk!  Apparently he told some joke about a spaceman and a sea monkey what caused some of his players to take a fence.  I do feel sorry for Roy on this one.  One of my old gaffers used to crack jokes but this one time it left him with egg on his plate.  Just before kick off I asked him where he was going to play me and he says to me, he says “Today Kenny you’ll be left back. Left back in the dressing room”.  Then everyone laughed.  I knowed why they was laughing – I was hopeless at left back – but I’ll always do what the gaffer says.  10 minutes into the game the ref does a head count and we had 12 on the pitch.  In all the hilarity the gaffer had put on our usual left back as well. He must of felt a right divot!