Tit-for-tat attacks and dangerous snacks

RON CLUNY, official spokesman, responds to the recent twitter spat between certain members of the Council and their critics

 As you may have read, there has been an outbreak of mud-slinging in the social media between members of the governing group on the Council some of our opponents.  It has been suggested that I, as the Administration’s Official Spokesman, should take to Twitter to make a formal response to our detractors.  I shall be doing no such thing.  I have been in politics for long enough to know what the public wants.  It wants to see its elected representatives working together collectively and in good faith to address the community’s needs.  People have no patience for the politics of petty tribalism, claim and counter-claim and petty name calling.  I understand that.  And the sooner the odious little twerps who oppose us can get it into their thick skulls the better.

 

JOHNATHON M LEWIS, Local Headteacher, comments on the latest educational issues

It reflects the cynicism of our culture when journalists are so keen to brush the many highs aside and to focus on some trifling lows.  As someone who would rather shy away from the media spotlight, I must reluctantly address some disparaging comments that appeared in the press over the weekend.

First of all, Garioch Academy’s ‘Children in Need’ fundraising extravaganza was in no way a “shambles”.  We are all very proud of the £193 our pupils raised for such a good cause and, whilst some of the attempts to raise funds were more successful than others, every pupil should be proud too.

Our third year Home Economics class worked tirelessly to bake fairy cakes to sell at morning interval.  Parents must understand it was nobody’s intention for pupils who ate the cakes to contract salmonella.  Indeed, we prefer to look at the learning experience the incident has provided: “out of date eggs and lax kitchen hygiene do not mix.”

I think there has been quite enough written about the “sponsored head shave”.  Why should we scorn the endeavour displayed by the spirited fourth year boy who borrowed his father’s clipping shears?  Why must we focus on his mistaken belief that he was being sponsored to shave the heads of other people?  As I told the parents of the first year girls involved, their hair will soon grow back.  Unlike Mr Jenkins from the maths department, whose toupee has been ruined.  The boy was understandably reluctant to pay for a replacement and although his protest did attract police attention, he did eventually come down from the roof of the technical block.

Finally, I can assure parents that the note inviting pupils to “dress if you please” was merely a clerical error.  Thankfully, most pupils realised this and we rounded up most of those who interpreted it literally by lunchtime.  As to press suggestions that a boy who had mistakenly wandered into the sixth year girls’ common room was “scarred” by what he saw, I refute this.  The lad has been grinning from ear to ear ever since.

 

 LORD COSMO LUDOVIK FAWKES-HUNTE, 13^th Earl of Kinmuck, on human rights.

So the bleeding heart liberals have won again.  Abu Qatada cannot be extradited to Jordan, just because the evidence against him has been obtained by the use of thumbscrews and electric shocks to the goolies.  These self-appointed experts, with their fixation upon so-called “human rights” and their desire for convictions to be founded upon evidence that is both credible and reliable, will be the ruination of our age.  It’s time for a return to traditional British justice.

My ancestor, the fourth Earl of Kinmuck, didn’t faff about with “credibility” and “reliability” in 1672 when the gang of two-dozen Covenators he found hiding in the woods tried to run away.  No!  He strung them up by their innards and was rightly rewarded by a grateful King.  No doubt he’d be prosecuted for it now.  It’s a world gone mad.

How tragic it is to see the country which, in the 1590s, led the world in witch-burnings reduced to such foppish hand-wringing.  Of course, the politically correct mob wouldn’t let you burn a witch now: they’d be too worried about “counting the carbon emissions”.  And why oh why oh why does the legal system provide endless opportunities for appeal after appeal?  Just find the damned fellow guilty and be done with it.  Our ancestral records show that Sandy Spencer, the local cooper who was castrated and tortured to death by the Seventh Earl for maybe looking at Lady Kinmuck in a funny way, uttered not a cheep throughout the long and bloody process.  He showed a true British stiff upper lip, right up until the moment the Court Dempster ripped it off with a pair of heated pincers.  We have it still, preserved for posterity in the family vault.  It looks like a little slug that’s got caught in the sun.

It’s time for a return to the values that made this country great.  We must embrace intolerance and return the courts to the hands of a vigorous and uninhibited aristocracy. Only then will we reap the benefits that will come from a righteous outbreak of judicial violence.

Can it really be too much to ask?