P&J Column for 18.3.13

Shy and retiring 72 year old, young at heart. Enjoys sport, GSOH

‘CAVA’ KENNY CORDINER, the football pundit who kicks back!

Lots of people was surprised when Craig Brown announced last week that he is putting his self out to posture at the end of this season – but I wasn’t one of that people.  I’ve been in football long enough to be able to tell when someone’s lost their dojo.  When I seen him at Pittodrie lately there was not no hint of a sprig in his step, in fact he looked like he was an old man in his seventies.

The veteran gaffer has enjoyed a long career, which began as a part-timer with Clyde way back in 1977. When he wasn’t on the training ground he was in the playground, as he was working as a Primary School Heidie, simulationally. Of course he is best remembered for managing the Scotland squad, and for me, he was the architectural Scotland boss. Nobody never qualified for more big tournaments than Craig. He come to the Dons in late 2010, where he has cemented the club’s position as the ninth best team in Scotland.

Of course, I myself have had to make the difficult decision to retire, and not just the once.   As both a player and a manager, I’ve heard the writing on the wall and realised it was time to hang up my chips.  I played for many clubs in my 25 year career, so it was a tough decision to throw in the trowel, but I remember the match when I knew fair enough was fair enough.  I was playing for Longside against Turriff United.  This young loon called John Duncan was trying to make me look like a right plug with his fancy flicks and nutmegs and stop-overs. As a more mature and experienced player I decided to learn him the harsh realities of the senior game, and half him the next chance I got. I spent 45 minutes chasing the wee radge, but I couldn’t get near him. For the whole first half he skinned me like a rice-pudding, and I had to be subbed at half time.  The next morning I handed in my notice.  I knew that without the ability to hospitalise more skilful opponents, my contribution to the Beautiful Game was over.

Unlike Craig Brown, my managerial career was short lived.  I had an eventful 4 game spell in charge of Locos a few years back, but not all the team responded to my philosophy of the game. Our first 3 matches was abandoned after massive punch-ups broke out.  Then, in the final game of my denture, the player’s revolted, and said they just wanted to play football instead. I realised then that I would have to pack it up, as it was obvious that I had lost the dressing gown.

Later today the House of Commons will vote on which of the proposed Royal Charters will less toothlessly protect the victims of press intrusion. But whatever the outcome, if baseless speculation about celebrities is no longer considered fit to print, a certain kind of writer is going to find the column inches hard to fill. Here’s this weeks piece by our showbiz correspondent –

Entertainment news with showbiz insider SHELLEY SHINGLES (Miss Fetteresso, 1993)

As you know, I have loads of great celeb pals, but OMG, Canadian pop sensation Justin Bieber is not one of them anymore!  I was in London last week taking my little niece to see him perform. What a rip-off! (Unless you had a press pass. LOL) The 19-year-old singer was a little over 2 hours late going on stage. My spies tell me he was in his dressing room playing Call of Halo on his X-Wii! Wee Shania had been so excited to start with, but by 10pm she was screaming and crying her eyes out.  I knew how she felt, I hadn’t had a drink since the cheeky Prosecco I managed to knock back in the hostility suite, and the gig wouldn’t finish ’til after closing time (there is after-hours places in London, of course, but they are murder to get into with a 9 year old). Before he finally came on stage, most of his fans had gave up and left, not happy. Then Justin collapsed with “exhaustion”. Well, no wonder, a young loon like him needs to get to his bed, but his photo was never out of the papers all week. Close pals say he enjoyed the London nightlife a bittie too much, and most nights he was as exhausted as a newt.  If that’s the case, I’m impressed by how many shows he managed with a hangover the size of the Shard!

I wouldn’t say Justin and me were close, not now that everyone’s gone off him, but I did bump into him outside the Park Lane hotel last Friday. He was just getting into his limo and I just happened to be standing right in front of the door of his limo. I’ll never forget what he said to me:

“I’m never coming back “.

Wise words, from a great big kid.

And here it is again, after the new Press Standards body have had their way-

Canadian pop sensation Justin Bieber was in London last week to perform.  The 19-year-old singer was a little late on stage, but screaming fans left happy.  He enjoyed London’s nightlife and was impressed the size of the Shard!  Justin said, “I’m…coming back!” Wise words, from a great kid.