P&J Column for 17.3.14

40,000 Dons fans filled Celtic Park yesterday. What a great day for getting a parking space in Aberdeen.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football writer who parks the bus

16 March 2014 is a day that will live a long life in the memory blanks of Aberdeen fans.  The Red Army distended on Glasgow to cheer their team to victory in the League Cup Final and old Kenny for one will never forget it.  Some folk have said it wasn’t the greatest game to watch, football-wise, but the atmosphere was eclectic. The lovely Melody texted me at half time to say ‘I’m watching on the telly. There’s an awful lot of balloons on that pitch’. Which I thought was a bit harsh.

In the end, just like in the Bible, David got beat by Goliath 4 – 2 on penalties and the Dandy Dons come home with their first ever piece of tableware since 1995.

Of course, back during my extinguished playing career there was plenty times when I slavered the sweet smell of success myself, like when Inverurie Locos won the Aberdeenshire Shield back in 1987. Me and the rest of the boys was elastic to have won and we wanted to celibate in style. We was all up for pasting the town red, and someone had the bright idea that we should drink champagne out of the trophy.  There was only two things standing in our way. First of all, Inverurie Locos did not have no champagne and thirdly, for some reason the trophy for the Aberdeenshire Shield was a shield, which was not really designed for drinking out of. Though it would have been ideal for eating pizza off of. Luckily, the lovely Melody came to our rescue when she popped into Asda’s and come back with a case of Cava on special offer.  We still was needing to solve our trophy problem, though, until old Kenny come up with the perfect solution.

The ref had it in for me that day as was proved by him unfairly sending me off in the first minute.  That was a tapestry of justice, but as a result, my boots was almost as good as new.  So I poured some bubbles into one and necked it.  I offered it around, but to my surprise, none of the rest of the team was wanting any after all, so I just keeps going.

So I can safely say that I know how the Dons players will be feeling today, the day after their great victory.  If it’s anything like I did, they’ll feel shocking. Like they’ve swallowed a badger.

Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman

Well, the Council’s decision to include a letter supporting the Union along with this year’s Council Tax bills has caused quite the hubbub among the chattering classes, hasn’t it?  My inbox has been inundated with comment, and my phone has been red hot (although I think that probably has something to do with its lithium-ion battery).  As usual, our antagonists’ attempts to discredit us have been almost comically inept.

To all those who have helpfully pointed out that readers of the letter might not be particularly well disposed to our message, given that it will be plopping onto their mats along with a bill for a couple of grand: we are satisfied that this was the best and most cost-effective way of disseminating this information, we say this.  Extensive market research suggested that the public did not wish to receive a personal Valentine’s Day card from Barney Crockett, and Len Ironside refused to wear the sandwich board.

To those who ask why the Council is so supportive of a status quo that has delivered massive cuts to the funding of public services in real terms, and has led to cost-cutting in every area of Council spending, we say this.  This administration transcends the politics of the pork barrel.  We cannot be bought.  We will act not on the basis of our own short-term financial interests, but will give greater emphasis to the broad public interest.  And when you weigh the issues properly, what you will see is this: nice as it maybe to get a few extra quid to spend here and there, sticking it to Alex Salmond is much more fun.

To those who have written, comparing the mole who leaked the letter to the “heroic” US whistle-blower, Ed Snowden, I would say this.  As the popularity levels of football referees confirm, no-body likes a whistle blower. But of course, when we find the mole, we will treat him properly.  According to Wikipedia, moles live underground and enjoy eating earthworms.  Work is already underway on the excavation of a suitable corner of Union Terrace Gardens.

Finally, to those who ask why this administration seems intent upon lurching from one political embarrassment to the next, consider this.  This week, a Malaysian airliner has disappeared in circumstances beyond the imaginings of Ian Fleming; we stand on the brink of a new cold War between Russia and the West, and Princess Diana has been implicated in the News of the World phone-tapping trial – and yet what are the people of Aberdeen talking about? The City Council.  This is not some “massive gaffe”; this is not a “colossal howler”.  Far from it, this is our greatest achievement to date.