P&J Column for 13.5.13

Aberdeen 2 – 1 Real Madrid

Those of you who have seen the Dons play this Century may need to read that scoreline again.

There’s only been one story this week – the elections in Pakistan.Just kidding. Sir Alex Ferguson’s retirement and the 30th anniversary of the Reds’ greatest triumph have provided a perfect storm of Dons’ nostalgia.  We asked some of our regular contributors to enjoy a wallow

‘CAVA’ KENNY CORDINER, the football pundit who goes in feet first

It’s the end of an earring.  After 26 years in the Old Trafford hotpoint, my old gaffer Fergie has finally decided to hang up his hairdryer.  There has been a tonne of tributaries to the great man from all across the world of football, but nobody has asked for mines, so here’s it:

I’ve wrote before about my decision to leave Pittodrie shortly after Sir Alex became gaffer, so as he would not feel overshadowed by my aurora in the dressing room, but before I moved on I did experience his man-managering at first foot. But I never seen him give no one in the Aberdeen dressing room the hairdryer treatment. In them days he just used to shout at you.

He was a great at tictacs and many’s the game he changed with a clever subbuteo.  John Hewitt famously got cried “Super Sub” after his habit of coming off the bench and changing the match.  Before him, I was Fergie’s leading bench warmer.  He only put me on once though, which is a sign of how much he valued me.  We was 1-0 up against Morton, and the Gaffer looks at me and says, he says “Kenny, their playmaker’s getting too much time on the ball, let him know he’s in a game” I went on that pitch, full of running, and I went up to that boy and says to him, I says “You’re in a game, sunshine”.  I looked back at Fergie and nodded.  His face was bright red and his chuddie was going mental.  10 seconds later I went in late on that boy and hoovered him straight up in the air. Straight red card, diabolical. But the Gaffer was always looking out for his players, and the next week, when I headed off to sign for Hibs, he says to me, he says “So long Kenny, and don’t let the door hit your backside on the way out”.

View from the midden – rural affairs with JOCK ALEXANDER

It’s been a momentous wik in the village. We’ve said fareweel tae a man who has been a loyal servant through thick and thin, and although some might say he would cause a bit o’ a stink fan things were nae gan weel, nevertheless he remains a legend who shall niver be equalled. At’s richt, Sandy Mutch the septic tank desludging mannie has jist retired. ‘Clarty Sandy’, as he is fondly kent, worked 42 year, man and boy, fae his wee hoose at the edge of the village with the broon mist permanently hinging aboot it. But he’s giving it up at last, saying he feels he his lost his passion for effluent, his enthusiasm, and indeed, his sense o’ smell.  But as weel as him, I wiz also shocked tae hear that Fergie is tae retire. I can still mind the happy day fan he wiz guest of honour and referee at oor village fitba match. It wis the Fairmers’ League decider atween Wartle Wanderers and Athletico Lumgair. Fergie made quite an impression. Though it wis a surprise fan he turned up weering a frock, insited on us crying him ‘your Highness’, and burst intae tears fan a goal-line clearance caught him on the back of his unexpectedly ginger heed. We will nae see his like again.

DAVIE ANNAND, Chairman of the Seaton branch of the Dons Supporters Club

The Gothenburg Glory! I was there, fit an atmosphere! It sterted on the ferry over and fit a trip that was. There were four hunner of us on there singin wir heirts oot, and not a single lightbulb broken. I’ll grant ye we did destroy every stick of furniture on the boat, but nae bulbs. Weel, we couldna reach them. And then there wiz the game itsel, athin aboot it was perfect. They even laid on some lashing rain so’s we’d feel at hame. I liket Gothenburg fine. Rare toon, clean and tidy, reassuringly caul and dreich. And of course there wiz the ladies of Gothenburg! And their crashing right hooks. Fit a bosker of a punch, and all because of a misunderstanding aboot language. I says “Aye aye Svenga, fancy a game o’ hide the mealie pudding?” Weel, I didna think she’d spik Doric.

JIMMY HOLLYWOOD – Woodside’s most eligible batchelor

It hiz been an emotional wik. So emotional, I hiv been moved tae write a pome. This kind of creativity normally only happens on Valentine’s Day, Mithers’ Day or fan I am trying tae convince a bit of stuff tae stay ower at Jimmy’s love palace (aka Ma Holywood’s hoose). Onywye, here goes:

You twice took oor team intae Europe

In Gothenburg, we were sublime.

Then you went aff doon Sooth

Wi’ a hell o’ a drouth

That reed nose says you loves a red wine.

Fit a team, Strachan, Miller & Hewitt…

Heroes all, they stood out fae the crowd

Open top, through the toon

Ivery man, ivery loon

Cheered and felt, just for once, very pwoud

Though at Man U you managed real champions

Your return is my solitary wish

To Pittodrie, please haste

Once your hip is replaced

‘Cause for 26 years we’ve been pitiful