At the Uptown Baths it’s ‘No running, No bombing, No petting’; not to mention ‘No water’.

Tanya Soutar – local lifestyle guru

I dinna ken aboot youse, but I loves an internet petition, and this wik I’ve been getting fair worked up aboot the Bon Accord baths. As ab’dy kens, the Uptown Baths wis shut back in 2007 fan the cooncil had a £50 million quid budget deficit and couldna afford the heating bill tae keep the pool at it’s usual balmy -8°, and then niver opened up again. They pit it on the market, but naeb’dy could think of a use for a massive hole in the grun, so it’s lain empty iver since. Weel noo a local pub owner his started a trust fit wid tak ower the running of the baths and he’s even inviting folk tae come forward wi their ideas and suggestions.  Weel, here’s Tanya’s views on fit they could do that wid hae the Bon Accord baths literally swimming wi folk.

First of aa, ab’dy kens that the best fun ye hiv in a swimming pool is fan you’re on your hol’days in funcy places like Benidorm or Tossa de Mar.  So the revamped pool needs tae hae sun loungers, parasols an a poolside cocktail bar staffed by a hunky Spaniard.

Secondly, I learned tae swim in the pool doon at the auld Linksfield Academy and I always mind on yon posters fit said “Nae running, Nae dive-bombing and Nae Heavy-Petting.  Far’s the fun in that?  Hopefully these new baths will hae specially designated slidies, dive-bombing areas far ye can endanger the lives of ither patrons in safety, and maist importantly a “snogging end” somewye.  Imagine how romantic ‘at wid be.  Mind you, it wid hiv tae be shallow, because it fairly pits you aff yer stot to get splashed in the face fan you’re sookin the face aff yer trap. As I discovered that time Allana Patterson seen me with her Darren in the Priory and chucked her long vodka at us.

The last thing I wid dae is hiv extremely tough selection criteria fer the lifeguards.  They wid hiv tae be gorgeous with a bonny tan and of course a 6 pack (by fit I mean muscles, nae kit-kats).  Trust me, if ye hid a pucklie dreamboats like that strolling aboot, that pool wid be jam-packed full of quines. My pal, Big Sonya, eence took a shine tae a right stud-muffin of a lifeguard on a Hen wikend in Tenerife.  Tae get his attention, she decided tae loup in the pool and pretended she’d got a cramp, hoping he wid come in and try tae save her.  That is a recognized seduction technique, fit wis first deployed by Sandy tae get her claws intae Danny Zukko in ‘Grease’. Unfortunately, Sonja hid hid a few cocktails with her breakfast, and jumped intae the wee kiddies pool by mistake. Thanks tae the Archimedes principle it wisna a lifeguard she needed, it wis a crow bar.

Ron Cluny – Official Council Spokesman

The jackals, stoats and other carrion-eaters that masquerade as our political opponents and media commentators in these impoverished times think that they have the Council on the ropes this week, with their trumped-up fuss and staged brouhaha over the so-called “ban” on Alex Salmond from Council premises. As usual, the disdain in which they hold the democratically-elected representatives of Aberdeen – and by implication the good people of this great City itself – is as shameful as it is transparent.

It is quite clear that the Councillor in question did not say that he would “ban Alex Salmond”. Indeed, it is impossible that he would have said any such thing. The Councillor has such an aversion to the First Minister that he is pathologically unable to utter his name, and when required to do so can only make an involuntary ‘coughing-up-a-hairball’ noise, like Gollum in the ‘Lord of the Rings’. Instead, he refers to him by a moniker of his own devising which consists of a conjunction of seven pithy epithets, mostly Anglo-Saxon in origin.

I do, however, think that I know how this unfortunate misunderstanding may have occurred. During the course of a Council debate on the future of Aberdeen’s fishing industry, a question arose as to the best way in which to preserve haddock; a representative, more wondered if we should “can it, like salmon.” I can only imagine that a cloth-eared member of the fourth estate, befuddled by a liquid lunch, may have mis-heard this valuable contribution to debate as a suggestion that we should “ban Alex Salmond”. Resolving a matter of this nature is a simple process involving give and take. In the light of the perfectly plausible explanation that I have provided, those who have unfairly accused us need to give an unqualified apology, and we will take it. This is crucial for the common good of all. The dispute has been a diversion from the important job of governing the city. At points this week it has felt that Aberdeen stands on the edge of a precipice. Clearly, it is time now to put our difference behind us, and move forwards.