P&J Column for 10.12.12

‘Walking in a Winter Wonderland’. Well, it fairly beats driving on un-treated roads.


When Last week’s cold snap hit, like any ordinary Mum, I immediately phoned the council to check when the snowplough was coming to clear our driveway. Shockingly, I was told that the major roads have ‘priority’! When I went to grab a bottle of Lanson for supper, the path to the wine cellar (it’s not really a cellar, of course, we’re not that posh! It’s part of the stables) was a death trap, so I had no choice but to summon Snezhana, the au pair (she’s from Bulgaria, but the kids adore her) who trundled, on the sit-on mower, to liberate some gritting salt from the big box outside the local primary school. The school run is fraught enough, but Wednesday morning was something else! You could barely move for struggling vehicles. Especially near the local primary school – their car park was like a skating rink! Incredibly, they’d run out of grit! Then it took us 2 hours to get to Queen’s Road where I dropped Emmeline and Fidel and dashed to my own important appointment – a wine tasting and spa day with some other ordinary mums. By the time we came out of Malmaison even the Landrover was struggling in the snow. I had no choice but to abandon it and summon Snezhana on the mower again. The next morning one of Fidel’s chums had video-called him to say the traffic was even worse! Apparently some idiot had left their Landrover in the middle of Queen’s Road! I wondered why it is that the French handle snow so much better than us, so I’ve booked an impromptu skiing trip to Chamonix to find out. Swoosh!


Seasonal advice from DONNA BARNEY, our intense Agony Aunt

In the words of Noddy Holder, “IT’S CHRISTMAS!” And fit diz that mean? It means office parties. You ken the cute loon fae Legal you’ve had your eye on? Weel this is the perfect opportunity to ask if you could hae a rummage through his briefs. It also means steering clear of the Head of IT, fa’s got hands like an octopus and breath that could stun a futret. I hiv had many letters this year asking about the social etiquette o’ the works do – I canna be bothered answering them so here’s a list of Do’s and Don’ts tae keep ye right. ‘Bring a Party to a Party’ – DO join your work-mates at an organised shindig at a hotel far John McRuvie is doing the disco. DO NOT tak the Kincorth definition of a “party” (a Half bottle voddie, a quart bottlie of Mount Gay Rum and a Hooch) in your handbag, down it all in the lavvies and attempt a dunce routine, ending with the splits, fan they play onything by Tina Turner. ‘Fashion’ – DO wear something tasteful and classy. (But nae the same dress you wore to last year’s do. The snooty mare on reception will mind. Dinna give her the satisfaction). – DO NOT ging for a ‘Christmas ‘ outfit. Tinsel in your hair and a wee ‘sexy elf’ minidress might look fun, but fit if all that highly flammable material gets too near a cundle? You want to look hot like Rhianna, nae hot like the Wicker Man. And finally… Know when the night is over. DO spy when the lad ye fancy is getting his jaicket on, slip yer arm through his and then ask if he wints tae share a taxi. DO NOT join the lads fae Engineering for a final drink, ging tae a strip club, hae a shottie at pole dancing and boak all ower your Jimmy Choos.


PC BOBBY CONSTABLE – Community Policeman

The local solicitors hiv been on strike complaining that proposed changes to legal aid are going to interfere with access to justice.  I hope they’re right.  Fae the police perspective, justice is nithin but a pain in the back-side.  Fan I think back to the good old days, fan we wiz able to get on with wir job withoot unnecessary complications like the presumption of innocence, foo simple life wiz.  You’d pick up your ned, stick him in the mortuary fridge ’til he said he done it, and you’d hae the rest of the day to yersel.  But noo, with a’ this paperwork and human rights and faff, it’s hard to be sae efficient. My conviction rates hiv plummeted since we hid to start giving cautions and recording all official interviews I hinna even hid time to confiscate Mrs. Constable’s Christmas presents fae an unlicensed street trader yet!


RON CLUNY – spokesman for the City Council’s ruling administration

Once again, the council’s critics have lined up to attack us with poorly considered gusto, this time in relation to our winter response planning.  As usual, our antagonists are wide of the mark.  Let us deal in hard statistical facts.  In Scotland, in winter, there is a mere 90% chance of snow.  The Council cannot be expected to foresee such remote contingencies.  And the demands of the public are like the whining of a petulant child – self-absorbed and often contradictory.  You demand that an artificial ice rink be provided at great expense in Union Terrace Gardens; we provide a natural one, entirely free of charge, on the pavement of Great Western Road and receive nothing but abuse.