P&J Column 9.4.15

Anyone tuning in late to the first Scottish Leaders’ Debate must have thought it was the worst episode of ‘Poirot’ ever.

Struan Metcalfe, Conservative MSP for Aberdeenshire North – an apology

Well, in the words of that great poet, Britney Spears – “Whoops, I did it again”. Old Struan has made a tiny gaffette, but in the run up to the GE, Super Dave has a zero-tolerance approach to egg on the party face, so I’ve been instructed to issue a genuine and sincere apology.

It all came about because of the right bally hoo-ha this week over what Nicola Sturgeon may or may not have said in a diplomatic meeting. The Telegraph alleged that she said something about Ed Milliband being unfit to be Prime Minister and Super Dave Being a total dreamboat. No one knows what she really said to the French Ambassador (in the Holyrood sweeper I had “with these Ferrero Rocher you are spoiling us.”) but the source of the leak was a confidential civil-service memo.

So, I am extremely sorry that my Tweet – typed whilst “Absent de mon visage” on two and a half bottles of Chataneuf Du Pape – has gone viral.

“FM caught slagging off Red Ed. Last time the Scotland Office saw a leak that dramatic was when I got caught short after an all day session on the beers with big Ally Carmichael. ROLF”.

Thank goodness for the Scots leaders’ TV debate which aired on Tuesday night! That deflected all the attention from my tweet. Not the debate itself, not even Ruth Davidson’s bravura performance. No, it was the mysterious appearance of “Moustache Man” which captured the Twittersphere’s imagination. He garnered rave reviews for sporting what appeared to be a slug on his upper lip. And then, after a short while, the moustache mysteriously disappeared. Much like the SNP’s promise not to hold another Referendum. Boom!


Tanya Soutar – Local Lifestyle Guru

I dinna ken aboot yous, but I’m right glad the fine weather’s finally made an appearance! For 10 months o’ the year Aiberdeen’s proximity tae the Arctic circle fairly cramps your style. Fooiver ‘on trend’ you may be, it’s nae easy pulling aff a smouldering sexy look in twa pairs o’ socks and a toorie.

Still, the balmy temperatures div present their ain challenges. First of aa, perspiration. We humans sweat the hale year round, but it only really shows up fan yer wearing a tasteful see-through top. Obviously ye can clart on the Impulse (or, for the cost-conscious, Poundland dae a lavender air freshener which is nae too itchy on the oxters), but ye can also alleviate the symptoms by layering yer ootfit. ‘At wye ye can wheech stuff aff as soon as the sun keeks oot fae ahin a cloud, and then 30 seconds later, fan the haar rolls in, stick it aa back on again.

Secondly, ye really need tae cut back on yer accessories. In winter it’s fine tae humph aboot a massive handbag that would fear Mary Poppins. But noo it’s warm ye only wint tae cairry the bare essentials. Purse, keys, mobile, lippy, mascara and fags. Even those can push the capacity o’ a wee bag, so why not ging multipurpose? I’ve sewed a pocket for my mobile into my bra, and made an ethnic-looking necklace oot o’ 20 Lambert & Butler.

These ingenious tricks has left me with a wee bit space in my bag for my ain essentials. Glasses, a hat and a wig. They, alongside my many different layers o’ claes, ensure that faniver I pop intae toon tae pick up a few things I dinna get recognised by the security guards at Union Square!


View from the Midden – Rural affairs with Jock Alexander

Weel it’s been a lyrical wik in the village. You might hae seen that in America, someb’dy paid $1.2 million for Don Mclean’s rough notes tae ‘American Pie’. Ever on the look-oot for new revenue streams, (it’s fit they cry ‘Agricultural Diversity’) I wasted nae time in rootin’ aroon in my coo-shed for some equally valuable cutural artefact tae sell tae a collector, museum or ither feel gype. Weel, would ye believe that inaboot the last o’ the winter sillage I made a maist amazing discovery – the original manuscript tae a world famous Bothy Ballad!

Noo, there’s bound tae be considerable interest in this find amongst musicologists. For michty, files Don McLean might hae hid folk bamboozled ower the years by ‘Jesters’, ‘thorny crowns’ and ‘coats he borrowed from James Dean’; he can a haud a cunnle tae the twisted mind that came up wi’ ‘The Muckin’ o’ Geordie’s Byre!” , Cheerio!