P&J Column 8.6.17

Trumper’s Rule: If you cant say something nice, tweet Sadiq Khan.

Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman

Truly, I am fed up with people who say that Aberdeen City Council has become a laughing stock since Labour ejected the members who chose to form a coalition with the Tories and the Lib Dems. I say this because it is a distraction from the great front-line work that is being done by our hard-working Council officials; because it fails to take account of the nuances of the local political scene; but mainly, because when people point out the obvious truth, my job becomes much more difficult.

Or so I used to think, until I started to scrutinise the methods of other regimes with maverick leaders, like North Korea, Russia, and the USA. I have to say it was something of a revelation. When you are willing to leave considerations of truth and decency outside in the rain, how much easier life becomes. President Trump, in particular, continues to be an inspiration. Without his tutelage, I would never have thought to deflect attention away from my beleaguered administration by mounting ludicrous attacks upon the mayor of a friendly city that has just suffered from a tragedy. So to those of you who say that Aberdeen deserves better, I say this: Andy Burnham eats dolphins for breakfast, and Sadiq Khan is a werewolf.

Hector Schlenk, Senior Research Fellow, Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science

As a scientist, I am continually asked important questions like “Does the discovery of a planet with a surface temperature of 4,000 degrees prove Global Warming exists?” “Can we send Katie Hopkins there?” and “Can we go there for a heat too, it’s supposed to be flaming June?” However, my main concern of late has been the sorry state of British Airways, as I was one of many to have been affected by the recent catastrophic power outage which caused chaos for 75,000 air travellers. I wasn’t on a plane myself, but I was in the Aberdeen Airport car park, offering stranded passengers reduced fare passage on my own patented ‘flying car’. However, I was chased away by a consortium of angry cab drivers and airport staff who claimed I hadn’t paid the drop-off fee and that simply tying lots of helium balloons to my D-reg Datsun Cherry was not a method approved by the British Aviation Authority. Confounded red tape, stifling British scientific invention again! It’s almost as bad as the time they stopped me from creating the self-peeling vegetable by sewing razor blades into a tattie.

So with my vehicle now impounded, I have ended up, like so many others, a blameless victim of the BA affair. I read unconfirmed reports that the BA system had crashed because someone had switched the plug off by mistake. This seems all too plausible. Too often the view underneath my own computer desk is a mass of tangled wires, and it is no wonder that sometimes the wrong one is yanked out midway through very important activity. Why, only last week, my wife accidentally unplugged the Sky box during the Britain’s Got Talent final. Imagine my horror – when she was able to locate the correct one and plug it back in straight away.

Plugs and wires can be a source of great trouble in our modern electronic society, and we must never underestimate the chaos that can ensue. I have therefore taken steps to upgrade my home and solve the problem of multiple wires and sockets. I have clearly labelled every mains lead in the house with a yellow post-it note and have solved the problem of the wrong plug being pulled out by ensuring that every single cable goes to the same socket – 30 wires, one plug. What could be simpler? I shall be contacting British Airways to offer them first dibs on this foolproof upgrade, just as soon as I’ve got my car back, and once I locate the source of the faint burning smell in my house.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the sports pundit who puts the boot in

This weekend sees Gordon Strachan’s Scotland team take on the Auld Enema at Hampden. The lovely Melody turned around the other day and asked me, “Kenny, is there a gulf in class?” I turns around to her and I says, “Darlin’, I don’t know about that, but they is definitely better than what we is.” I don’t mean to be unpancreatic, but I is worried we might get a right doing. Like the one Real Madrid gave Juventus in last week’s Champion’s league final.

That was the first match what I’ve ever watched on YouTube. Before then, “YouTube” was just something fans used to shout at me after I trod on the ball and let the other side’s forward through on goal. But now it’s a thing on the interweb, and I think I could get into it. It was hard to get used to the smaller screen, but it was handy to have the bookie’s website open at the same time. Real looked irresponsible as they swept aside their Italianate opponents 4-1. I think 3-2 would have been a fairer result – especially since I had twenty notes on it.