Good to see at least one offshore industry is still thriving

Struan Metcalfe, MSP for Aberdeenshire North and surrounding nether regions

Morality, eh? Gosh, it is all very subjective isn’t it? One man’s sensible retirement saving scheme is another’s aggressive and morally repugnant fiscal wheeze. So it is no surprise Super Dave has been caught right like Bambi in the headlights of the tax-haven row this week. #PanamaPapers is trending on Twitter and there’s a lot of really angry people out there. Mostly the super-richwho’ve been rumbled. LOL! Being wealthy nowadays is a dashed tricky business. Being a wealthy politician is a blinkin’ nightmare. Not only do you have to distance yourself from the likes of Bozzo Boris or from ‘totes hilare’ student pranks involving our porcine friends, now you have to answer for daddy’s offshore tax wheezes. Super Dave is even being challenged by The Corbynator to reveal his own tax returns. The impudence! But, come on folks. Why should Our Dear Leader have to be accountable for the actions of a man who has provided him with a lifetime of privilege and entitlement through the chance of his birth? I mean, where’s the fairness in that?

Cosmo Ludovik Fawkes Hunte, 13th Earl of Kinmuck

Is there anything more nauseating than the self-righteous bleating of the lower orders when they think they have managed to draw a bead on their betters? Well, yes; the 11th Earl’s favourite pudding, trifle served in the still-warm innards of a recently shot stag. But the uppity working classes run it a dam’ close second. Corbyn and his mob are in their element just now with all this Panamanian tax avoidance stuff. Funny that the lefties are so against fox hunting, isn’t it, when they so often resemble a baying pack? Well, they can do their worst. I, for one, have nothing to hide. Any more. What bothers me is that those who would tax people like me until the pips squeak care not a jot for the fact that extreme wealth is built up through solid hard work. The third Earl worked damned hard to gain the favour of the King of Spain, become a conquistador, kill all those Aztecs and steal their gold to build up the family fortune. Not that I am at all bitter with the legal firm who inadvertently spilled the beans. In fact, as a gesture of good faith, I have invited Messrs. Mossack and Fonseca to come and join me for a day’s shooting here at the Estate. I’m even offered to pay for their tickets over here. One way, naturally.

P C Bobby Constable, Retired Community Policeman

I saw in the papers the ither day that there’s been an increasing number of criminals takin’ selfies at the scene o the crime and then posting them on social media, claimin’ responsibility for their crimes. I also saw that there’s been a 35% increase in bobbies going off on the sick due to psychological problems. I think the twa things could be related. I mentioned this to my old sergeant, Dunter Duncan, fan we met for a pint. “Fit maks ye say that, Bobby?”, Dunter said, files takin’ aim at double 16, “Do you think the modern police-officer is facing an existential crisis, and is wondering fit their place in the world is if the criminal is going to publically announce his guilt?” “Weel, no”, I replied, “Fit I meant wiz that knocking a confession oot of a criminal wiz a great wye o relievin’ stress efter a hard day’s paperwork.” Policing is nae so easy as it wiz. If a ned’s nae recording himself, he’s recording you on his smart-phone so some smart-alec lawyer can pick over your every move in court and point oot that you’d nae read the accused his rights, or hidna used reasonable force, or ye’d clearly plunted twa grands’ worth o’ drugs on him, or some ither technicality. Changed days from when I wiz first on the beat. We used to tak a chisel oot wi us on the rounds and if there had been a house-breaking, we would plant it on some peer wino. Abody won: the householder wiz pleased somebody’s been caught; the Bailie hid something to dae; and the wino wiz grateful for a few weeks bed and board in the Torry Hilton. It wiz simpler times back then. I wiz going to say “mair innocent”, but that widna be right; cos naebody wiz innocent back in my day.

See us live in ‘Dreich Encounter’ HMT Aberdeen 2-11th June 2016