P&J Column 7.7.16


Brexit? I’m resigned to it. Just like Nigel, Dave & Boris.

Doddie Esslemont, Radical Independence Campaigner

What times we live in!  To see the political fall-out, you would think that voting to leave one of the greatest international organisations in the world was a big deal.  You’d also imagine that, if you were going to do something like that, you’d have both a detailed plan of how to go about it and the courage, fortitude and decency to see what you had started to the end.  But instead the big boys what done it have now all run away.  Cameron has resigned; Boris has resigned; Farage has resigned.  Even Chris Evans has resigned, though his involvement was peripheral at best. And now we all have to be resigned to living with the mess they made.

As a passionate believer in the principle that true sovereign democracy involves engagement at local level, and that true engagement at local level entails every individual household being given political independence, I myself am the leader of a political movement: the Independence for 39G Seaton Drive Party.  As the sole member of the party, I think it unlikely that I will face a leadership challenge soon.  But with power comes responsibility, and I, too, have been giving some thought to resigning.  Just as Nigel Farage wants to spend more time with his family, I want to spend more time with my family-sized bucket of KFC.

But if I go, I am keen to ensure that the reigns of power are handed over to the right candidate.  Given that my fellow inhabitants at 39G are a moosie and some mould I found down the back of the cludgie, you might think that leadership potential was not immediately apparent.  However, the moosie has never pretended to be a cat, and has shown great determination in coming back into the house over and over again in search of cheese; while the mould has stubbornly and obdurately clung to the lavvie wall in the face of stern opposition (i.e., Ajax powder).  They may not be the greatest orators of our time, but they have shown levels of honesty and dedication so far utterly lacking from the leading Brexiteers.

Barclay Lloyd, a local Banker you can trust

As manager of the Mannofield branch of the Aberdeen and District Savings bank , a lot of my customers have been coming to see me anxious about what the effects of the Brexit vote are likely to be.  Like the Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney, I have been careful not to stand on my desk and cry “PANIC!” Instead, my message is, “Steady as she goes.”  At local level, life will continue to go on much as before.  We will continue to try to computerise everything, so that instead of assisting you with your enquiry bank employees can cheerfully introduce you to a machine that you don’t know how to work.  Your local branch will continue to operate with the threat of closure hanging over its head.  Opening hours will continue to be short and inconvenient and we will continue to try to sell you financial products that you do not need.  I trust that in an ever-changing world, our customers find some reassurance in the fact that there are some things on which they can always rely.

Tanya Soutar, local lifestyle guru

I dinna Ken aboot yous, but I love it fan a politician comes out wi a soundbite I can use in my daily life. Maggie Thatcher started it off wi “The lady is not for turning”. I found this handy on mony occasions, especially fan the bobbies tried tae lift me fan I wis on my wye tae the Ministry nightclub and drove my Fiat Panda the wrang wye doon Dee street.

Tony Blair hid a good een wi “Education, education, education”. I find it particularly useful faniver the school is failing tae meet the learning needs o’ een o’ my bairns. Like the time they tried tae exclude Beyonce-Shanice for setting fire tae the library.

And noo, beer-swilling, fag-smoking hate-pedaling UKIP supremo Nigel Farage has come oot wi a belter: “I want my life back”. I dinna think I’ll iver tire o that een!

Next time someb’dy tells me tae wait my turn at the dole office? “I want my life back.”  Next time they tell me at Asdas that it’s 5p fer a carrier bug? “I want my life back.” And next time a box o painkillers tells me tae avoid operating a threshing machine when using this product? Da think so sunshine, “I want my life back!”