P&J Column 7.5.15

One little lady has been grabbing all the headlines. And there’s a royal baby!

Hugh Gravelle-Scrope, Royal Correspondent

And so the country rejoices at the news that the Royal Couple, Catherine and William, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Earl and Countess of Strathearn, Kate and Wills, have been blessed with a daughter! And I rejoice too, as I will finally get home for a shower and my bed after 3 weeks hanging about outside the hospital. I must say, I was initially most concerned about the lack of public interest in the birth. As we wore past the due date, I was the sole member of the press camped at the gate, and where was the joyful band of underemployed enthusiasts who normally bring such colour to proceedings; hanging about for day after day without sustenance or sanitation in the hope of catching a glimpse of royal car-seat? So I was greatly relieved to learn that her Royal Highness was not, after all, confined at Aboyne Hospital but in St Mary’s, London! I must say, I feel a bit silly now, but I was tootling out past Crathes when the editor called and told me to get to the hospital, so I went to nearest one! He did laugh, when I told him. Or at least I think that’s what the noise was. Here’s hoping he approves my expenses claim. 16 days’ worth of tuck from Strachan’s of Royal Deeside is hard to justify in the circumstances! Still, being in the wrong place didn’t stop me from undertaking a few on-street interviews, or “pop socks” as we journos call them. The first chap I spoke to was very enthusiastic when I asked him how he felt now that we have a new Princess at last. He said it was long overdue, although he personally always preferred the Austin Allegro.

Shelley Shingles, showbiz correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983

OMG what a week! Not only has the election provided a celeb fest, but there was the trifling matter of a royal baby! Amazeballs! I’ve never really gotten into politics. I think the biggest problem is the politicians themselves. They’re all totes bland and they’re always droning on about NHS this and Benefits that instead of CSI this and Benefit Street that! Thank goodness some famous folk popped up this week to tell us who to vote for! I’ve decided to vote for Russell Brand. He can reduce my deficit any day! And as for little Princess Charlotte isn’t she just totes adorbs?! And what a nice touch giving her middle names after her late grandma and her great grandma. Kate did very well didn’t she? Not only did she pop a sprog but she managed to leave the hospital the same day looking like a million dollars! I bet you’re thinking what I’m thinking. “How come she looks better after childbirth than I do after putting out my wheelie bin?”. Well, as my Nana used to say of the Queen Mother ‘ I’d look wonderful for my age too, if I’d never washed a dish in my life!”

Doddie Esslemont, Radical Independence Campaigner

I see that the papers have been full of talk about a so-called “violent scuffle” interrupting Jim Murphy’s attempt to address a crowd in Glasgow the other day. At the risk of facing suspension proceedings from my party’s trigger happy disciplinary committee (i.e., me), I would venture to say that as usual, the pro-Union media are making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I’ve seen worse fighting down Union Street on a Friday night. Mind you, now I think about it, I’ve seen worse fighting down Union Street on a Friday night than in Helmand Province. Even so, what is politics coming to when you can’t scream abuse and invective into the face of an opponent? I made this point, forcefully, at volume and from a close range, to the Lib Dem canvasser who rang my bell on Tuesday. She said it was the nicest thing that anyone had said to her all day.

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands most eligible bachelor

Jimmy has been genuinely conflicted in the run up tae this General Election. I wiz swaying towards the SNP, partly because I am in favour o’ anti-austerity measures, partly because I want tae stick it tae the Westminster elite, but maistly because Jim Murphy sometimes maks up words that sound a bittie funny. But I’ve just heard that Sturgeon wifie saying that her top priority is to stop the Torry Party. Weel, she’s lost my vote. Some o’ the best parties I’ve iver been tae wis in Torry.