P&J Column 7.1.16


Gye mauchie days, kind.

View from the Midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander

It’s been a precipitous wik in the village. But we hinna let the recent slightly driech spell get us doon, and hae a’ pulled thegither. Aye, the entrepenurial spirit o’ the plucky Meikle Wartler has been clearly seen this wik, or at least it wid have done if we didnae hae fog as weel as floods. Skittery Wullie and Feel Moira have put their heeds thegither and daen us proud, and last nicht they unveiled oor new tourist attraction, ‘The Meikle Wartle Marina’. Fit a rare diversion it is for ab’dy in the toon fae sitting on their roofs a’ wik and fighting ower the last umbrella.
Tourists will hae no bother finding it, as the Marina is handily located smack bang in the centre of the village; indeed up until last wik it wis the centre o’ the village. Wullie was the brains behind it, and it’s marvellous the see the bobbing of a’ the brightly coloured craft, or, as some folk still insist on crying them, “cars”.
Feel Moira his taken the idea even further with the creation o’ ‘Meikle Wartle SeaWorld’. She has sourced some suitable aquatic aminals and created an underwater viewing platform by repurposing the bay window of the pub. She’s been packing them in 20 at a time tae enjoy the exotic sea life – twa huddock, a pucklie hake, a seal and one affa confused squirrel.

Sir Cosmo Ludovik Fawkes-Hunte, 13th Earl of Kinmuck

Dreadful business, the floods of last week, with Royal Deeside badly affected. This confirms what I have long believed – that the weather is a dammed republican. There have been some truly dreadful scenes of destruction. Perhaps most shocking of all, Abergeldie Castle has been left teetering on the brink of the Dee after the swollen waters swept away 60 feet of garden ground. Not even the bolshy Labour government of the 1940s stripped land from the aristocracy so quickly. Baron Abergeldie had to be persuaded to leave. Poor man. If I had one, my very heart would bleed for him. Still, perhaps I can offer him some encouragement. We Fawkes-Huntes know what it is to almost lose a great house. In the 1920s, the 10th Earl, fell into drink and low company in Paris and ended up staking the entire estate on the turn of a card. Fortunately, the episode ended happily. The other fellow won, but great grand-pappy had the wit to follow him outside and shoot him. Saving Abergeldie Castle may not prove to be so easy, but perhaps there is room for optimism. It is a Gordon family stronghold – here’s hoping that it lives up the family motto – Bydand – Abiding!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in studs up

The sound of feather on pillow has never really done it for me, but I sometimes watch the T20 matches because they can be exciting. And when I watched Melbourne Renegades against Hobart Hurricanes, all the way from Austria, not all of the excitement did not happen on the field. One of the Renegade’s batterers, Chris Gayle, got interviewed on the side lines by a female reporter. Gayle never spoke about croquet at all, because he was too busy cracking on to the girl, asking her out on a date. She wasn’t keen, and Gayle’s been slated in the media and fined of $10,000.
Now, Kenny is most confused about the whole affair. First of all, I never knew they used dollars in Austria. Melody’s sister is off there on a skiing holiday tomorrow and she had taken out Euros. She’ll be grateful for Kenny’s contravention, because I sent her back to Markies to get them changed.
Thirdly, I think it’s well harsh that the lad got a fine. He’s already been seen by millions of viewers getting knocked back by a bonnie lassie, so fining him is like adding insult to Ian Dury. It seems that these days, it is sexist for a man to chat up a woman when she’s at her work. It goes to show how much the world has changed. Nobody batted an eyeball when I asked my Melody out. And she was behind the counter, spraying my shoes at Superbowl on George Street.

See us live in ‘Dreich Encounter’. June 2nd-11th 2016 at HMT Aberdeen