P&J Column 4.6.15

 Sepp Blatter vows “to fix things” at FIFA. Well, he’s the expert.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s of no interest to the FBI

The football season’s nearly over and most of the t’s have been dotted and i’s have been crossed. The weekend seen a great result for the Icy Teas in the Scottish Cup final and Motherwell did very well to thump Rangers 6-1 and confine them to another season in the dole drums. Mind you, there was ugly scenes at Fir Park when one of the Rangers players handed out a thumping of his own! It’s a disgrace to see that sort of thing after the final whistle. As any true professional knows, you should only lamp an opponent off camera, and when it might affect the result of the match.

Off the pitch, it’s been a tipsy turvy week for FIFA suprendo, Septic Bladder. One minute he’s celebrating his re-election, the next he’s promising to resign due to a massive sandal. The Americans has been looking into dodgy dealings at FIFA for ages and it seems the peg on which Mr Bladder hung his jacket on has shoogled for the last time. I wasn’t that surprised to be honest. When he first took charge back in 1988 I asked my pal Dunter Duncan what he knowed about him and he says to me, he says, “All I know is he is an old Swiss” and it looks like Dunter was right.

There is a whole host of alligators being throwed about. There might have been bribery and back-kicks involved the decisions to award the World Cups to South Africa, Russia and Catarrh. How has it taken the beaks so long to figure that out? Old Kenny is not the sharpest sandwich in the box but even I could tell there’d been a few brown envelopes passed about when they announced that last one. I still can’t find Catarrah on any map, and I’ve got World Cup wall-charts going all the way back to 1970.

It looks like there may have been contraption on a massive scale, going all the way to the top. So Bladder’s heard the writing on the wall and stood down, but he was the big cheese, and that leaves a big hole in Fifa’s big cheese board. I don’t know who’s going to step into the bleach, but lot of ex-players, like Figo and Platini has been eyeing up the top spot,. I thought about throwing my own ring into the hat, but Melody didn’t fancy moving to Zurich. It probably would be a bit of a culture shock. She’s from Sheddocksley, and they don’t have no culture there at all.

Shelley Shingles (Miss Fetteresso 1983), showbiz correspondent

OMG! What a totes amazeballs finale to this season’s Britain’s Got Talent!

I don’t know about you but I was transfixed by Sunday night’s final when all the attention was on an incredible dog. Or a couple of dogs if you believe the shocking revelations online. And I’m not speaking about Alesha Dixon and Amanda Holden. And I’m not even joking.

It turned out that the dog everyone thought the lady had trained to walk the tight rope was not the same as the dog who had been trained to do something different in the semi-final (sorry, don’t know what it was, didn’t see it, clashed with Game of Thrones. Did you see that? Gads!). So there has been a total Twitter storm about the result, but it’s the dogs I feel sorry for. Which of them is going to get the £250000 prize? I suppose the trainer lady will have to share it between them. That wasn’t the only controversy about the final though, there were hundreds of complaints about the cleavage shown by the judges. And I agree. I mean, with a neckline as plunging as that you could practically see what Simon Cowell had for breakfast!

My favourite act was Jamie Raven, the magician. His act took me back to the time I got to hang out with my great pal, the original boy wizard, Paul Daniels. He was up to open the new William Lows in Forfar in 1985 and I was the face of Forfar Bridies.

I gave him a sample of my wares and told him “You’re going to like this…not a lot, but you’ll like it”. I’ll never forget what he said to me as he’s spat it back into a napkin:

‘Good grief, it’s like eating a padded envelope full of salt’

Wise words from a great man.


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