P&J Column 4.5.17

Fa’s wa’ wis it? Wis it Willies wa’? Nah, it wisna Willies’s wa’, it wis Willie’s da’s wa’.

View From The Midden – rural news with Jock Alexander

It’s been a parterial wik in the village. I’m sure I’m nae the only een fit has been totally gripped by the great political story of the day. There his been obfustication, confusion and mystery a’wye. And I dinna mean The Prime Minister’s secret disagreements wi’ Mr Junker at their Brussels dinner (I mysel am nae a fan o’ sprouts, so I wid niver hae them for my denner. They disagree wi’ me. It a wye fit it is impossible tae keep a secret.) No! I’m spikkin aboot the swirling mystery and intrigue surrounding Willie Young’s wa’.

Yes, Wa’ Gate. It’s like Water Gate only less so. It’s aye dangerous tae ower simplify ony complex political situation, but I’ll dae my best: ‘Fa’s wa’ wis it? Wis it Willies wa? If it wisna Willies’s wa wis it Willie’s da’s wa?’ Noo some folk hiv been quick tae single oot certain individuals for criticism and suggestions o’ impropriety. Ithers are upset that it is emblematic o’ a culture in which preferential treatment is received by elected representatives or their fem’lies withoot proper approval or scrutiny.

We in the village of course hiv been mair ootraged wi the thocht of £200,000 of Sustrans cash jist sitting there daein’ nithin. files we hiv a fair few dry-steen dykes in Meiklewartle in sair need o’ repair. So we hiv already stairted the process to ensure that Meiklewartle village cycle paths get access to this currently un-used funding, afore some ither bunch o’ chancers try tae get their haunds on it. A slight problem is that we dinna actually hae ony village cycle paths, but we do hae a village psychopath.

Feel Moira has been busy a’ wik creating a brand new Meiklewartle cycle-way by the simple process of driving her Massey Ferguson up and doon, flattening the bitties at the edge of a’ the fields that contain oor dodgiest looking dry-steen dykes.  Noo, for a direct route fae Dess tae Aboyne, it is a bittie twisty-twosty, but a’ we hiv tae dae tae get the dosh is get it included in the national Cycle Network and then Bingo! Willie’s da’s your uncle! Cheerio!

Davinia Smythe-Barrett, Ordinary Mum

What a May Day weekend we had. Fidel & Emmeline had been invited to their friend Tansy’s birthday party out near Banchory. They were going to be creating some artisan pottery before enjoying a private concert from Ed Sheeran (available at a fee, it transpires, if you were at St Andrew’s with his agent). Tansy’s mum is, like me, something of an eco-warrior so the invitations had been sent out in the form of a chia seed flatbreads, which we very much enjoyed with some hummus (Luckily, my husband Milo is currently in Egypt for tax reasons, so could have some air lifted to us during the recent crisis. I did try the kids on a vegan quiona alternative, but, predictably, all hell broke loose)

I do have a lot on at the moment, what with recycling all the election leaflets and commenting on social media posts about Donald Trump (to save time, I simply put ‘The Mango Mussolini!’ irrespective of what the post is about. It’s very empowering to be part of the resistance.) so after consuming the invites, I realised I’d forgotten where the party was to be held. A quick bit of Googling revealed a children’s party at Crathes Village Hall. So I watched as Snezanna (Our au pair. Bulgarian, but marvellous) bundled my little-ones into the Discovery and we headed way out west. 

Imagine my horror when, on arrival, I discovered that this “children’s party”, was actually a deeply weird, tiny, stage-managed rally for our inglorious PM. It was absolutely rammed with doddery proto-fascists, rabid Brexiteers and a couple of girls I hadn’t seen since we were at St Megs together. Really lovely catch-up. Anyway, we stayed for a while to listen to May’s speech, in which she revealed that she is both ‘strong’ and ‘stable’. Snezanna didn’t seem particularly impressed. ‘Those are good qualities’ she said ‘in a stepladder’.

Fidel and Emmeline, were, of course, devastated. They can take or leave Ed Sheeran but they were really looking forward to the pot-throwing, and clearly, whatever it was, this was not a children’s party. Although, as Fidel pointed out, at least there was a clown and absolutely loads of balloons.