P&J Column 31.5.18

View From the Midden by Jock Alexander of MTv (Meikle Wartle Television) 

It’s been a consumerist wik in the village. I did chuckle tae masel as I read aboot W H Smiths, who hiv jist been voted the UK’s worst high street store in a survey of o’er 10 thoosand consumers. Somedee fae the beleaguered retailer – it may have been Mr Smith himself, I da ken the mannie – countered that only 184 shoppers had commented on their stores in the survey, meanin’ that 9 thoosan’  8 hundred and 16 fowk werenae o’er fussed. Meanwhile, detractors hiv complained that the mannie Smith’s shops are filled wi oot of date stock, are o’er expensive, and filled wi rude staff. Well, if they think that’s bad, it’s aboot time they sampled Maisie’s Meikle Wartle General Store.

Noo we dinna hae a W H Smiths branch here, but Maisie’s store fulfils mony of the same functions. W H Smiths sells a wide range of mags and books. Maisie’s store sells a wide range of fags and a book. It’s een aboot crop rotation in Rhynie in 1956 and it’s been on sale noo for 43 years. W H Smith’s travel branches cater tae the rail traveller on the move, and hae a selection o’ sandwiches and drinks, while Maisie’s offers a large range of foodstuffs fae oot-of-date fine pieces tae butteries at hard they can be used as a weapon. Mony’s the busy traveller who has sampled something fae the store before runnin’ aff. Usually in the direction of the nearest public lavvy. W H Smith has a famous stationary section. Maisie’s store is famously stationary, havin’ been a fixture on the village high street for over 100 years. In fact the high street curves aroon it, as Maisie wiz stubbornly unwilling tae relocate fan they widened the road. And michty if it’s surly staff yer after, ye’ve nae lived till ye’ve had dealings wi her. Even Feel Moira is feart o’ Maisie. But her shop is good for one thing; for makin’ ony branch of W H Smith that any Meikle Wartle expat visits seem like the maist modern weel-stocked consumer’s paradise around.  Cheerio!


Kevin Cash, Money Saving Expert and King of the Grips

I seen it reported the ither day that the “Bank of Mum and Dad” is feeling the pinch, and parents arena able to lend money to their bairns like once they could.  Here are my tips to help parents who are struggling to gie their young eens a helping hand up the property ladder.

Expectation management.  Young eens these days hiv a real sense o’ entitlement, thinking that the world owes them as of right a 2-bed Stewartie Milne flat beside a heavily polluted main road.  Well, nae abody can attain that kind of luxury right away.  All around the toon there are a range of void areas underneath decking or in unused outhouses that can be appropriated by a forward-thinking youngster.

Go Green.  Modern building techniques involve the production of large amounts of CO2. Yet there are many unoccupied recesses in the cliffs around Crawton bird sanctuary. Fighting an angry puffin for a place to rest your head also provides a handy workout, lessening the need for expensive gym membership.

Take the expression “property ladder” literally.  Giving your young een a ladder, a screwdriver and some elementary tips on housebreaking.  This will result in the fruit of your loins either obtaining a steady income or getting lifted by the rozzers, and getting 3 months dinner, board and lodgings at HMP Grampian.  Either wye, their accommodation needs will be met.


Cava Kenny Cordiner, the player, the man, the leg end 

Saturday night was one the most impotent nights of the year in the Cordiner holdhouse. Champions’ League Final night is when old Kenny gets the boys round, the beers in the fridge and the online betting app open. And what a cracker of a game it was!  It had a bit of everything, except for the things it didn’t have, like a red card, extra time or penalties.

What it was not lacking in, though, was goalkeeping howlers. I felt sorrow for Liverpool keeper Karius after his blunders gifted Madrid 2 goals. After the game, the boy was incontrollable. Basher and my other pal, Dunter Duncan, was both pointing out that the rest of the Liverpool team didn’t go over to him and put their arm round him. “That’s what you would have done, Kenny” Dunter says. And then Basher says, he says “Aye, then you’d throttle him and smack him in the coupon!”

So now our intentions turn to the World Cup which starts in 2 weeks time. And, as usual, the English medium is doing their best to unsettle their star players. Young Man City speed merchant Raheem Sterling has been copping the flock this week, after some people got angry about his latest tattoo. I says to Melody, I says “this is bang out of order. These people have got no right to slag the lad for a tattoo of an animal on his leg”. And Melody says to me, she says “Kenny, it’s not an animal – it’s a gun”. Silly old Kenny misread it.  I thought he’d got a tattoo of a gnu! Mental.

See the Flying Pigs Live in ‘Now That’s What I Call Methlick at HMT Aberdeen 26th-30th June 2018