P&J Column 30.6.16

Brexit stage-right. E.U.’s sorry now?

Struan Metcalfe, MSP for Aberdeenshire north and surrounding nether regions

Now, let me be clear. It might well feel like the four horsemen of the Apocalypse arrived on your doorstep in the early hours of Friday 24th of June. You may have experienced some disquiet whilst the pound and the FTSE both got wiped out like a pre-referendum promise being hastily removed from the side of a bus, but trust me, Boris and Mickey G. definitely had a plan in the event of a Brexit vote. And that plan was, ‘hide’.

But by Gove, I am, of course, absolument devastated that Super Dave felt he had to fall on his sword immediately after the referendum. If you thought Sam Cam looked a bit weepy during Dave’s resignation speech, you should have seen me! I was howling like a toddler who had just been told she’d no longer be getting croissants or babybel for snack. Or, when she was 21, 6 months on an Erasmus University exchange programme where she might meet and marry a gorgeous Scandanaivian, set up home in her choice of the world’s most beautiful cities and live a life of open-minded happiness and equality. But never mind. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

But more importantly, what next for the Tory party? Well, a leadership contest beckons, and what a whizz-bang choice we have! From Steve ‘the Wolverine’ Crabb, to Theresa ‘Lusty month of’ May. But – shock of shocks- no Bojo! A rum do, but probably for the best. Putting Boris in charge now would be somewhat akin to making the iceberg Captain of the Titanic.

If I had been able to locate my smart phone I would have tweeted something on Twitter. But I’ve been blind drunk since last Friday – blocking out the destruction of our economy, the implosion of the current political system, and the idea that Jeremy Hunt could believe – even for one nano second – that the general public would support him as Tory leader. I mean, the Great British electorate aren’t that crazy. Are they?

Barney Eunson, Labour Party Spokesman

The Labour Party is a great institution which acts as a great force for social mobility. For instance, I, a humble baggage handler from Prestwick, have been able to rise through the ranks and achieve my current position due to hard work, my commitment to socialist principles and the fact that my surname sounds like a major trade union.

Following the pain and confusion of the Brexit vote, many have said that Labour is disconnected from reality. Be assured that we are not. With the government in turmoil; with the national interest served by decisive action, we know exactly what the public expects from us at this time, and we will deliver it: two years of furious recrmination and infighting over the party leadership. Take that, Tories!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who doesn’t really know what he’s doing here.

In the immoral words of Frankie Vialli and the Close Seasons, “Oh what a night!” I still haven’t come down from Monday’s excitement. England was up against Iceland at the Euros and they got gubbed! I don’t not normally agree with anti-English sediments, but when I hears the commentators banging on about playing France in the next round, even after they was 2-1 down, I have to admit, I wasn’t not sorry to see them get their comeuppance worth.

It all started so well for the Aldi Enemy, too. They got a pen early doors and Iceland was all at sea. But straight after scoring is when a team is at their most venerable and when the Icicles got a long throw the English defence switched off the boil and let them score. Then they scores another to take the lead and all of a sudden the people from Iceland was in Dreamland. Which is just next to Iceland, but never qualified.

After the full time whistle was blowed, and it sunk in that England was laminated from the competition, the incest began. A lot of people was blaming Woy Hodgson for his dodgy tictacs, and others was pointing the finger at the feet of the English defence. Personally, I think the real problem was the goalie and anti-dandruff activist Joe Hart. Fair play to the lad, after the match someone asked him whose fault it was and he was quick to put his hands up. Shame he never done that during the game.