P&J Column 30.4.15

There’s gold in them thar dubs!

View from the Midden – Rural affairs with Jock Alexander

It’s been an excavatory wik in the village. There’s been great excitement since news broke aboot the discovery of gold in the village of Towie, a seething metropolis 12 mile past Alford. Here in Meikle Wartle we are only half an hour fae there, as the craw flies, or, as they say in Lanarkshire, ‘as the dog drives’, so we may weel be sitting on similar riches.

Feel Moira can ayewiz sense a money-makin’ opportunity, and wasted nae time in stripping doon tae her dungers and attaching a cunnle tae her hard-hat. She has spent the last fower days burrowing, wi’ nithin but a look o’ grim determination on her face, and those huge shovel-like hands ga’an at the earth like a bull at a gate. And I must say, I dinna fancy the earth’s chances. Moira has tunnelled in a South-Westerly direction and is noo 500 feet aneath the Sewage Works. She is communicating wi’ the surface by carrier futret, and reports that she has come upon a rich seam of fit she cries “Broon Gold”. Fit inabootcomer corporations might pay for the mining rights is onybdy’s guess, but Moira claims there are ‘vast deposits’ and an apparently inexhaustible supply. So ab’dy in the village is verra much looking forward tae being filthy rich. Or something affa like it. Cheerio!

Doddie Esslemont, Radical Independence Campaigner

Ed Milliband has tried to pep up his flagging campaign by being interviewed by Russell Brand. Apparently he thinks that being associated with the “edgy” comedian will curry favour with the youth vote. I’m unsure why Russell Brand is considered “edgy”; he seemed pretty tame on Strictly Come Dancing, and his horoscopes are always very jolly.

This interview is the latest cheap trick in a campaign of cheap tricks. The Independence for 39G Seaton Drive Party is unanimous that we (by which I mean “I”) will not be following suit. We have the self-confidence to allow the sovereign will of the people (i.e., me) to speak for itself. We will never insult the intelligence of the electorate (myself) by stooping to such gimmickry. But perhaps most importantly, despite endless emails, telephone calls, and the throwing of several bricks with notes attached through journalists’ windows, no-one seems to be willing to interview me.

Cosmo Ludovik Fawkes-Hunte, 13th Earl of Kinmuck

I see New York State has decided to turn off public illuminations in order to aid migratory birds. Apparently artificial light confuses the little feathered fellows and prompts them to lose their way, crash into things and fall to the ground in the manner of my Uncle Harold tumbling out of the French windows after a snifter. As a huntin’ shootin’ fishin’ type, you might assume that I would view this as a load of bleeding heart liberal poppycock. But no, I think it’s excellent news. I hadn’t realised that getting the little blighters out of the sky was so easy. This time next week, the North Wing of Kinmuck Big House will be lit up like a Christmas tree, and my ghillies will be lying in wait to despatch anything and everything that comes crashing to the ground. Mental note: must warn them to keep eye out for Uncle Harold.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s never had a brain fade

I doesn’t normally dangle in politics, but I couldn’t help laughing when I seen the guff the Prime Minister made last week. He’s always said he was a Aston Villa fan, but at a press conference he forgot, and said his team was West Ham! What a howler for the lad.

On one hand, Kenny is a bit septic about whether or not DC really likes football at all; but on the other foot, I suppose I should synthesise with him. There is none of us is perfect and we all make mixtapes.  I remember once coming out of the bookies the night before a big match between my team, Inverurie Locos, and Forres Mechanics. I bumped into a fan who says to me, he says, “Who’s the smart money on tomorrow, Kenny?” And I says, without thinking, “Forres”. You could see he was knocked for sticks. So I says, I says ”.…T. Nottingham Forest. I fancy them to get a result against Man United.” Phew! Kenny was off the book. Mind you, that fan never forgave me; he stuck a ton on Forest and they got gubbed 8-1. Just like we got beat by Forres after I got sent off in the 3rd minute. Criminal.