P&J Column 3.5.18

Tourist plans suitable for a’ the loons and equines

Kevin Cash, moneysaving expert and king of the grips

I da ken fit wye people say this city disnae push the boat oot for visitors. Jist look at the latest ideas tae pull in a’ that tourists fit places like Edinburgh and Glasgow seem tae be beating aff wi’ the proverbial stick fit hiv been given the green licht by wir cost-conscious chums at the Cooncil. Ony day noo we can expect tae swamped wi’ vees’tors, flocking here because, if they head doon tae the beach on een of the six random fine days we’ll hae this summer, there’ll be a brand new attraction.  Nae only can you get a shottie on a waltzer and an unimpeded view o’ the worlds maist powerful wind turbine, (BTW – I dinna understand folk that are complaining that it spiles the view. Hiv ye seen foo big the sea is? It’s massive! If ye wint a nice view o’ the sea, jist look at a different bittie!) Soon, you’ll be able tae ging for a hurlie along the esplanade in your choice of unsuitable vehicle.

There’s a mannie fa’s offering tae dae tours o’ the seafront in a ‘TukTuk’, fit’s like a cross between a tricycle and milk float popularly used as a taxi in some countries in Asia. Nae longer dae ye need tae ging a’ the wye tae Thailand tae be ower charged for a run aroon’ the block. God, I wish I’d thocht o’ it first. Mind you, a cut and shut on a mini-clubman and a Vespa isnae the easiest.

But the big news is they’re also bringing back horse-drawn carriages tae the beach. Apparently they wiz affa popular in the 40s and 50s, and are set tae return noo that the quality o’ life in the city his returned tae that level.

Weel, I can already see great opportunity tae get some extra value fae this.  Far there’s horses, there’s inevitably horse’s doofers, or ‘100%organic composted equine manure’ as we’ll be marketing it. My plan is tae my mate Mick the pill following ahind the carriages catching fit dobbin leaves behind in een o the twa thoosan’ take-away boxes I picked up for a song fan the Yangtze River got closed doon by the food inspectors. OK, ye canna get much manure per box but I’ve thought of that – I plan tae sell it as ‘Fun Size Dung’ for fowk that only hae wee gairdens, or jist a window box.

Mick has yet tae sign up, but there is nae doot in my mind that he is man for the job.  He has stamina, lightning reflexes and since he perforrated his nasal septum, nae sense o’ smell.


Cava Kenny Cordiner, the footballer’s footballer

As yet another season draws to its contusion, Old Kenny is looking ahead to an ever changing footballing landfill.  Next season we could see Video refs with an increased role in games, transfer fees going even more astrologically higher than they already is and, perhaps most surprisingly of all, Steven Gerrard managing The Rangers.  But the thing I is even most surprised about is the possible death of that old football stable, the match-day programme.

English clubs is meeting soon to decide if they need to make one for every game anymore. I’m sure some of them will say “no” as a penny-punching measure.  But I think the loss of the programme would take some of the heart and sole out of the bountiful game. Where else will we get inciteful information on our heroes?

Back when I was playing at Pittodrie, it was a great honour to be chosen for the “Player Factfile”, and the programme boys used to interview you on all the hot optics of the day.  I’ve still got a copy of the one what I featured in.  Aberdeen v Greenock Morton.

Name: Kenneth John Cordiner

Position: Left back in the dressing room

 Height: 5 ft 13 inches

Weight: 12 stone and 1 kg

Favourite club: The Mighty AFC

Favourite music: Phil Collins and Elkie Brookes

Favourite film: Raiders of the Lost Sark

Pet hates: Smoking, fast wingers, horses what don’t run to form

Favourite player: Joe Jordan, because he’s got even less teeth than me.

Ambitions: To own a sophistimicated wine bar in Inverurie what mysteriously burns down just after I’ve insured it to the hilt.

That last answer was a surprise I can tell you!  Who would of known I could be so prophylactic?