P&J Column 3.3.16


Craigievar Castle Tour highlights: drawing room, great hall, nudie wifie…

Tanya Soutar, local lifestyle guru
I hate it fan a new romance fizzles oot.  Ye ken fit like, one minute yer sookin i face aff some loon in the smoking shelter at Soul, then a few wiks later, yer squeezin the plooks on his back files watchin Ant & Dec on telly.  That’s why I’m eyewis on the look oot fer new wyes tae pit some spice back intae yer relationship.  Fan I seen that there’s been a stooshie ower nudie photies teen at Craigievar Castle, I thought yous might like my top tips fer using boudoir photies tae pit a bit lead in yer pencils.
Firstly, it’s important that yer photies is tasteful.  That disnae mean flowin curtains an chaise-longues – it means they should be teen by someone else.  A selfie o yer bits is nae a good look, despite fit a’ the blokes I’ve met through online datin’ think!
Secondly, ye need tae mak sure that the ambiance is ga’n tae mak ye look glamorous. Ging fer soft focus an use props like a cushion or a mock chop supper to hide yer love handles.  My pal, Big Sonya, got photies teen in the buff fer her last boyfriend.  She draped a chiffon scarf with yalla dots roon herself to try to look allurin’.  Her lad took one look and said “Fit wye are you giving me a photo of Mr Blobby?”.
Maist important, ye need tae mak sure that ye’ve got permission tae tak yer photies at yer chosen location.  This is fit’s caused a’ the bother ower at Craigievar.  Mind, it still sounds like lot less trouble than my ither pal, Nae-wise Natalie, got intae fan she treated her man tae saucy snaps.  She thought some shots o her in the skud, draped ower the bonnet o his dream car, wid look great.  It’s jist a peety the staff at Arnold Clark didnae agree!

Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman
An opinion poll has ranked Aberdeen City as one of the least Eurosceptic districts in Britain. The Shire is not far behind, and Scotland overall is more pro-European than England. It seems that many people in the South-east, in particular, see no inherent contradiction between employing cheap, industrious Polish builders to knock up an extension and complaining bitterly about the free movement of people.
David Cameron must be regretting attempting to lance the boil of Tory Euroscepticism. Just now, it seems the boil has seized the lance from his hands and is jabbing away furiously at him. Fortunately there are lessons he can learn from Aberdeen. Here, we associate Europe with good things – a sunshine break away from the dreich weather of home, a tasty frankfurter to fortify us when Christmas shopping, and Aberdeen’s glorious victory over Real Madrid in Gothenburg. So all Cameron has to do to secure a resounding “Oui” on June 23rd is send everyone in England on a package holiday, press a knockwurst into their hands and arrange for Arsenal to win the Champions League. Caker.

View from the Midden – Jock Alexander, Rural Affairs Correspondent
Weel, michty, it’s been a celestial wik in the village! Aye, the nicht skies were a’ lit up the ither day wi the maist impressive flash seen since aul’ Jim Bruce did his bet-winning drunken streak aroon’ the village square.
Ye’ll have seen the dashcam footage – a’ across the countryside, efter dark, folk are heard tae swear loudly at the sudden appearance o’ a blinding light. Partly because it wiz so unusual, but maistly as it illuminated the horrendous roads they were drivin’ doon, and showed they were aboot to run int’a pot-hole.
Thinking it wiz a meteorological phenomenon, I askit oor village weathergirl, Feel Moira, fit had happened. She’s afa good at divinin’ future conditions fae the arrangement o’ twigs in her teapot. No matter fan it is, she can aye predict that the temperature will be 5 degrees and it will be dingin’ doon hale watter; and this bein’ Aiberdeenshire, she’s niver wrang. But it turn’t oot it wizna a weather effect of a, but a great muckle meteor explodin’ in mid-air!
This wiz exciting news for a’ o’ us in the village, and fair calmed doon Skittery Wullie, fa is a big X-Files fan, initially suspected aliens, and hid taen to his chunty roof wearin’ a tin-foil hat.
And so, naturally, having learnt there wiz nithin sinister aboot the event, we are going to dae the  decent thing – suppress the mundane truth, and rebrand Meikle Wartle as Area 53, makin sure the stocking the village shop wi’ plenty o’ alien masks and toy flying saucers for ony tourists that we manage tae lure in by! Cheerio!