P&J Column 26.10.17

A ban on skelpit lugs? That smacks of the Nanny State!

Tanya Soutar – local lifestyle guru

I dinna ken about youse, but I’m getting richt fed up of the Scottish Government interfering in the wye I live my life. Hear me, Nicola – I will raise my bairns the wye I wint til. I already get guilt trips for letting them watch 16 hours o’ telly a day (it’s highly educational, is ‘Geordie Shore’, ye ken. I’ve learnt a hell o’ a lot aboot self–tanning and narcissistic personality disorder) and nae feeding them organic chicken nuggets and free-range pizza, but noo they’re telling me I canna gie them a wee smack fan they’ve been naughty! Hiv ye ever heard the like?!

The next time my Jayden sets aff a box o’ fireworks in next door’s backie, fit am I supposed tae dae aboot it? Pit him on the naughty step? No– that jist turns bad behaviour intae a game. And onywye, last time I tried that he set fire tae the stair carpet.

They’re aye trying tae ban stuff, this mob. First it wis fracking, noo it’s smacking, fit’s next; shellacking? Hiv they seen the state o’ my nails?

You’d think the SNP would be mair keen tae preserve this essential element o’ a traditional Scottish childhood. Getting a skelp wis pairt o’ growing up. In fact, as my boyfriend Darren says “I got battered a’ the time fan I was wee, an it niver did me ony herm” faniver I visit him in prison, far he’s serving twa years fer aggravated assault.

And there wis mair bad news for parents this wik; the so-called “experts” is noo telling us we’ve tae stop asking  wir GP for antibiotics for wir bairns! Apparently, fan ye give folk medicine unnecessarily, they build up resistance til it, which means treatment for really serious conditions might nae be effective in later life.

Fit? Sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo if ye ask me. Fit disnae kill ye, maks ye stronger; it says so on the picture of a wifie walking on a beach at sunset fit my pal Big Sonja his on her facebook. So next time my wee Beyoncé-Shanice gets a blocked nose I’m marching straight doon tae that doctor’s fer some amoxicillin! And see if he disnae gie it me? He’s nae a bairn, so the law winna stop me pitting him ower my knee!

View from the midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander.

It has been a chronometric wik in the village. As Meikle Wartle’s chief cultural commentator, (ameen ither things – Meikle Wartle’s nae jist the metropolis, ye ken. Ye’ve tae dae mair than one jobbie tae mak ends meet here. So I dae the cultural commentating, sweep a pucklie lums, help oot wi’ the lambing fan it’s time, and dae a bittie colonic irrigation on the side) I spend a great deal of time perusing the printed press in detail, especially noo I’ve got a 100 watt lichtbulb installed in my ootside cludgie.  Top of the pile this wik is reports that the prehistoric builders of Stonehenge in 2,500 BC ate food fae north-east Scotland.  Apparently, efter poking aboot at a great pile o’ aul bones and teeth that they’ve found in the grun, archaeologists hiv identified them as coming fae breeds o’ cattle and pig indigenous tae this pairt o’ the world.

Weel, I must say I widna be at aa surprised tae fin oot that a precursor tae Skittery Wullie’s piggery wis in operation mair than fower thoosan years syne. Some of the clart on his dungers must be at least that aul.  But we should feel proud that, even in the far depths of ancient history, afore the Pyramids wis built, Rome was founded, or work began on the AWPR, fowk fae this neck of the woods were flogging their overpriced artisan foodstuffs tae gullible southerners.

The ither story fit caught my eye this wik wiz the unfortunate tale of the Aiberdeen bus that tried tae squeeze under the Wellington Suspension Bridge on Riverside Drive wi’ predictable results. Nae a problem for us in the village, of course, thanks to wir total lack of bridges, and, indeed, buses. I do however feel for the peer driver who nae doot misjudged the size o’ his charabanc. The city Cooncil his confirmed that there wis nae damage tae the bridge, but the same canna be said for the bus, which wis left, much like the driver’s pride, somewhat crushed by the hale affair. Cheerio!