P&J Column 25.6.15

Saturday night’s alright for fighting your way out of the AECC car park

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands’ most eligible bachelor

The 20th of June 2015 will ging down in the annals of local history as the night Sir Elton John came tae toon. Again. I say ‘toon’, but it disnae have the same ring to say he came to a car-park in the Brig o’ Don.

I hiv been a fan of Elton iver since I got tae third base wi’ Charlene Anderson far Hilton files Northsound’s Dave Agissild played “Rocket Man” in the background. So I wiz well chuffed tae blag a ticket tae see – fae a distance – a tiny, chubby, pop legend jumping up and doon banging his ivories. I got there fan the doors opened at 5 and got ripped intae the bar. By 7 I wiz bleezing, wearing a comedy toupee and specs which flashed fan ye waggled yer ears. Fit a sotter! Fan I bumped intae Suki, the barmaid fae The White Cockade in Torry, she said ‘There’s something about the way you look tonight’ so it is testament tae the power of my chat that it wisna lang afore she asks me “Are you ready for love?” Then she says “Don’t let the sun go down on me, Jimmy. I’m Baltic. Let’s ging back tae yours”. Which we did, beating the traffic. It wis no sacrifice, I opened my window and we heard the hale gig fae the comfort of my flat in Clifton road. As she wis leaving, Suki asked fan we could see each other again. “Sorry love” I replied, “I don’t wanna go on with you like that”. Which wiznae my smartest move. I forgot she is a black belt at karate and she hoofed me in my Reginald Dwights. Oof! It’s true fit they say, Torry seems to have the hardest birds.

Professor Hector Schlenk, Senior Research Fellow at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science

As a scientist, people are always asking me questions like, “Did the scientists at CERN deliberately name the Large Hadron Collider so as to cause hilarious typographical errors?”, “will squatting in skinny jeans result in circulation problems and nerve damage?” and “does eating two chocolate bars a day really have health benefits?” To which the answers are, “Absolutely”, “possibly” and “yes, insofar as, after a few weeks you won’t be able to get into your skinny jeans.”

This week, people have been asking me what I think about Philae, to which I answer, “it’s my third favourite processed cheese, just behind Dairlylea and Primula.” And then I laugh, uproariously, convulsing as I do so in a manner that occasionally causes an unpleasant clash of heads. But really, it is absolutely marvellous that the Philae lander has reawoken, more than six months after making its crash landing on a comet. Quite apart from anything else, it gives me great hope for the future of Dazza, my most somnolent student. And if it is now able to to drill into the comet’s core, we will be able to learn a great deal more about the chemical composition of this cold, alien ball of gaseous matter. My own theory is that we will find it is made of exactly the same material as George Osborne.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who can’t pronounce ‘KF Shkendija’

When they unveiled their new mascot for next season, Partick Thistle was a bit of a laughing stick! If you haven’t seen him, he’s cried Kingsley and looks like a cross between Lisa Simpson and Hannibal Lecter. My pal Dunter Duncan says to me, he says ‘At least Partick have a chance of winning one trophy this year – The Turner Prize! Put that in your column, Kenny!’ I never had no idea what he was talking about, but I done it anyways. These days, clubs is always trying to gee-up the crowd and create a carnivore atmosphere, but when it comes to gimmicks like mascots, old Kenny is a bit clinical . They never had nothing like that when I played in the top flight, and I’m not sure that a football match is the right place for fun and entertainment.

Although last season is barely finished, my old club the Dons has found out who they face at the start of their Europa League champagne. I’ll be honest with you, I had never heard of KF Shkendija before, so I’ve no idea if they’re a good side, but I do know they’re a cracking score at Scrabble. Apparently they’re from the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macadamia and last season they finished third. Well, the Dandies finished second so hopefully we’ll come out on top and drive the Macademians nuts!


See us live this summer at HMT Aberdeen and the King’s Theatre Edinburgh