P&J Column 23.6.16 – EU Referendum special


In, oot, in oot shoogle it aboot.

It’s the day of the EU Referendum, so if you haven’t already made your mind up, it’s not too late to be influenced by people every bit as ill-informed as yourself.

Cosmo Ludovik Fawkes-Hunte, Earl of Kinmuck

At the risk of sounding like that ghastly parvenu, Duncan Bananatyne, I’m ‘Out’. For too long this country has suffered under the oppressive yoke of the EU, with its fixation on regional development, health and safety, paid holidays for the working classes, and compulsory Camembert for the under 5s. Now, at last, we can reverse this tommyrot. Just a pity we’ve had to have a referendum to do it. It will only encourage the lower orders into thinking that their views matter. So come on Britain! Take back control! And give it to people like me!

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands most eligible bachelor

Immigration is the big issue in this Referendum. The European Directive on the free movement of persons means that folks fae aa ower the EU are able tae come tae Aiberdeen; and as Jimmy gings aboot his business in the toon, he can’t help but notice the high numbers of icy blondes and exotic brunettes gaan aboot. Thank you, Jean-Claude Junker! Jimmy is ‘In’!

Davinia Smythe-Barratt, ordinary mum

The problem with this referendum is that the Tories have pitched their tents in both camps. Freethinkers like myself usually locate the moral high ground as being wherever the Conservative Party isn’t. So being forced to side with either Cameron & Osborne or Johnson & Gove is a little like being offered a choice between refreshing drink of either arsenic or cyanide. For our family it’s especially tricky. Our au pair, Snezanha (she’s Bulgarian but she’s marvelous) is very keen on the EU, which she says has allowed her to seek a better life (she hopes, one day, to be able to put her degree in petroleum geology to good use). On the other hand, Milo, my hubby – currently in Belize for tax reasons – says there’s a mint to be made on currency speculation in the event of a brexit, and that all the non-doms are rubbing their hands at the prospect. For me, the crucial thing is the supremacy of democracy. And Milo gets a vote, while Snezhana doesn’t!

Tanya Souter, life-style guru

I dinna ken about yous, but I canna wait fer this referendum to be ower, it hisnae half clogged up my Facebook feed! Onywye, I’ve decided tae vote Remain. I’m nae an expert on this type o’ thing, but I dinna really think the UK can leave Europe. Nae wi oot a lot o’ upheaval and cost tae the taxpayer, like you (though nae me). Dinna get me wrang, if they could lift the UK and move it across the ocean tae the Caribbean at I’d be all for it, but fan you look at the time it’s taken take finish the 3rd Don crossing, I just dinna hink it’s realistic.

Doddle Esslemont, radical Independence campaigner (Freedom for 34g Seaton Road!)

This truly is a difficult decision. While I wholeheartedly support independence for Scotland as a logical first step towards the creation of further autonomous regions – i.e., my house – I have no great desire to leave Europe, which I think would be economically disastrous. However, it would increase the chances of a new Scottish referendum. It is a real quandary, one that I intend to resolve in the manner of a true patriot; by doing nothing, then blaming whatever result we end up with on the English.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in two footed

As regulatory readers will know, old Kenny does not usually get involved in politics. I prefers to sit in defence. But in Thursday’s Rhododendron, I will be voting ‘In’. My thinking is simple. Back when I was a Dandy Don and we won the league in 1980, Fergie comes rushing into the dressing room and he says to us, he says “Great news lads! Next season, we’re into Europe!” Well, if it is good enough for Fergie, it is good enough for me.

Jock Alexander, rural correspondent

We’re nae voting in the Referendum, as thanks tae a wee administrative error in 1974 involving a waylaid returning officer and a wickerman, Meikle Wartle wis nivver in the EU in the first place. But we hiv wir ain vote, on a question of equal import – whether we in the village should exit, or stay in – the pub. Feel Moira is a fierce proponent of ‘Remain’. She’s been here for 72 hours, has locked the door and swallowed the key. Skittery Wullie, however, is adamant we should leave, as he has left his fags ootside. To support his position he unveiled a controversial poster of a long line of bedraggled inabootcomers fae Mains o Glack, queuing for the bar.

The debate then got a bittie heated, fan Moira set fire tae the snug. I wiz undecided, and am currently wavering, because I climbed oot a windae and am now hanging on for dear life tae a shooglie gutter. All things considered, I think I’m better aff in, not that I’m really feeling the gravity of the situation!