P&J Column 22.2.18

Shock as KFCs closed due to chicken shortage – fa kent it wis actually chicken?

Kevin Cash, money saving expert and King of the Grips

I’m sure mony people wiz as shocked as I wis that Kentucky Fried Chicken has hid tae close 600 stores as they hidna hid their chicken delivered. I mean, until noo, fa believed that fit you got in a KFC actually wis chicken?

I am a huge fan o’ a Bargain Bucket (and nae jist because the contents can feed a family for a tenner. The real value comes eence yer feenished, fan yer left wi’ a free bucket! A quick dicht and it’s ready tae be repurposed as a bath for pets or wee kiddies, an ironic fruitbowl or a single use crash helmet). And I’m nae the only een fa likes a KFC, so, far there is demand, let their be supply. My pal, Mick The Pill, his an auld deep fat fryer, and it turns oot that jist aboot onything looks plausibly Kentucky Fried Chickenish eence ye roll it in breid crumbs and lob it in biling fat. So I’ve chopped up a load of auld Amazon boxes I had been using tae insulate my windaes, fried it up wi’ my secret blend o’ herbs and spices (a squirt o’ HP sauce), and pit it intae the red plastic buckets I got in the fire-damage sale efter Jimmy Chungs burnt doon.  I hiv pit the initials K.F.C on the side (short, of course, for Kevin’s Fried Cardboard) alongside a picture o’ Jim McColl fae the Beechgrove Gairden. I’ll be selling it ootside the currently closed front door of the KFC at Union Street for as lang as a grateful populace needs me. Or I get chased awa by the bobbies, fit iver’s soonest.

Struan Metcalfe, MP for Turriff and East Speyside

Well, hear me sneeze and cry as I tear an intercostal, what a week it’s been! Not only is it amazeballs that David ‘Thunderdome’ Davis has actually seen Mad Max (I would have had him down as a ‘Dirty Dancing’ sort of chap) – but he managed to weave it into one of his mental Brexit fever dream rambles. Meanwhile Jezza Corbyn has been accused of being a spy from behind the Iron Curtain. Now, I thought the Iron Curtain was what the fragrant Margaret had hung across the windows of her boudoir at Number 10, but by Jingo it’s not. Apparently, it’s the part of Europe that was on the wrong side of the Berlin Wall, back in the day. Full of Reds, Pinkoes and fantastically handsome female javelin throwers. And, of course, spies. Commie Spies.

Now, look here, I bally love a spy. James Bond (BANG!), Emma Peel (Phwooar!) Kim Philby (good schooling, classically handsome). But are we seriously suggesting old Jezzer was a sleeper agent for the Evil Empire? Come on. Spies are supposed to ‘blend in’ – I’m no fan, but Jezz has been standing out like a sore thumb in everyone’s side ever since he stated wearing long (corduroy) trousers! Just because he has a beard and eats hummus does not mean he has colluded with the Eastern Bloc. You know, they used to say the same sort of thing about my geography teacher at Gordonstoun, Mr Molotov. Most unfair, he was a great chap, Welsh, I think? Crazy accent, always railing against the capitalist hegemenony. What a laugh. Pity, but no-one from school seems to know what happened to him after he went missing on that exchange trip to Prague. Odd.

Tanya Soutar, local lifestyle guru

I dinna ken about yous, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult tae entertain my bairns at the wikend. My eldest, Tyler, he’s easy tae please. He sets aff on Friday night wi’ a screwdriver and a balaclava and I dinna see him again til Monday morning. I’ve nae idea fit he diz, but as lang as it keeps him oot o’ trouble, ken?

But it’s the younger twa, Beyoncé-Shanice and Jayden, that’s a pest. Last Setterday I went tae een o’ that “soft play” centres tae try and keep them occupied.

I hid barely plonked masel doon in the café wi’ a latté and a slice o’ tiffin and sterted looking on Tinder for nearby hunky single dads fan a wifie comes ower and says “We’ve gone a bit ‘Lord of the Flies’ I’m afraid”. Weel, I’ve nae idea fit ‘at meant, but I turned aroon and seen Jayden shoving a’ the ither kids up against the helter skelter files Beyoncé-Shanice wis robbing their snacks. I telt the woman I’d sort it. ‘No!’ I says tae the pair o’ them, ‘That behaviour is not asseptable. Nae snacks, ye’ll spile yer denner’.