P&J Column 22.10.15

beach bomb

Aberdeen beach in October? – it’s the bomb!

Davinia Smythe-Barratt, Ordinary Mum

Like all ordinary mums, I do my utmost to encourage my children’s hobbies. Emmeline has her horses (2 Arabian stallions and a colt sired by Kauto Star; so adorable) whilst Fidel has developed a totally healthy fascination with World War 2. He has some very interesting items in his collection, including an old ration book and a gas mask all housed in an authentic Anderson Shelter, but as you would expect from a 13 year old boy, he craves some more exciting memorabilia to go with his Bren gun, hand grenade and the Iron Cross his daddy bought for him at a very exclusive auction in Buenos Aries.

How serendipitous, then, that a 70 year old German naval mine should wash up on Aberdeen beach on Sunday. Fidel was beside himself, so we hopped in the Land Rover and headed east. Sadly, his dreams were crushed by the oppressive, fascistic regime of our nanny state. The beach was completely cordoned off, with police officers barring anyone from getting within 50 feet of the ordnance. No amount of pleading with the constabulary, nor offers of cash incentives, nor the normally persuasive entreaties of Snezana, our au pair (she’s Bulgarian, but she’s marvellous) would change their minds. What kind of world do we live in, where a 13 year old boy is prevented from handling and storing a historically important lethal explosive device? It’s health and safety gone mad.

Poor little Fidel’s hopes were smashed along with his interest in WWII history. Now he only wants to play with his chemistry set. He says he’s making something called ‘crystal meth’ which apparently everyone at school is into at the moment, like Minecraft and Ed Sheeran. Bless.

Kevin Cash, money saving expert and King of the Grips

I wiz tickled pink to hear that an Aiberdeen charity shop hid recently received donations o’ designer claes worth thoosands. Fit a lovely story that is! The idea, that even in this straitened financial climate, folks wid be willing to gie valuable assets awa fair warmed the cockles o’ my hairt – but nae half as much as the fact that the place they’d gien them to wiz noo selling them at a fraction o’ their value! Me and my mate, Mick the Pill, wiz camped outside that shop overnight and in like Flynn at opening time! And afore onybody says it wizna fair for us to pick the place clean afore onyone else got a chunce, dinna worry – we did leave some stuff ahind for ithers to buy. There wis a Vivienne Westwood frock that wiz covered in coffee stains and fag burns, so we decided nae tae tak it. Imagine my horror later on fan I checked online and seen it wiz supposed to look like that! As for the rest, never fear. We will be giein’ abody a fair opportunity to buy it fae us. Aff ebay, at fower times the price we peyed for it, plus post and packaging at £10 a pop. That’s the value!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the sports writer who’s always glorious in defeat

We was robbed. Make no trombones about it, Scotland should have gubbed that Austrians big time in the rugby on Sunday. Sadly, yet another refereeing howler left the Scots with their tails between their knees. The ref gave them Ozzies a dodgy pen in the last minute. Incredulously, he never asked the boy with the video replay remote to check the Sky Plus to see if he’d had a mare. Which he had done. Criminal.

I must say, I’ve got right into the rugby during this World Cup and I reckon, in a parable universe, I could have made a half-decent egg chaser myself. They mostly go about clattering folk instead of playing the ball, which is right up old Kenny’s street. Plus, there’s 15 players on a team, which straightaway gives you a 4-man advantage on your opponents. The ref looks like a wee loon compared to the players, but when you see him giving them a telling off, they just stand and take it, instead of shouting “what game are you watching you clown?” right in his face, like what old Kenny always done.

When he blew for full time on Sunday, the ref legged it off the pitch instead of shaking hands, which a lot of the experts said they never seen before. I has seen a ref running off the field plenty times. Usually when I was chasing him with the sharp end of a corner flag.