P&J Column 20.8.15


Don’t Mone about Michelle. It’s an uplifting story.

Struan Metcalfe, MSP for Aberdeenshire North and surrounding Nether regions – an apology

Well, I’ve heard it all now. It’s bizarre enough that a Tory prime minister appoints a leader for entrepreneurship carrying the title of ‘Tsar’. However, for that ‘Tsar’ to be one Michelle Mone – she of rags to riches fame, and ruler of the Ultimo Bra Empire (and hows that for a mental image?) – is staggeringly, bewilderingly AWESOME.

Not only does she run JK Rowling a close second in the contest to find the successful Scotish woman most reviled by the SNP, she is also an absolute hottie-pants! However, my response to her appointment may have been over-enthusiastic. Clearly I should not have sent this tweet:

“Michelle Mone as Business Tsar? Well, she certainly encourages my start-up!”

Now, clearly this was disrespectful to Miss Mone, a business leader of rare acumen, and I would apologise for any inadvertent suggestion that her appointment was in anyway connected to her scrumdiddlyumptious appearance. I’m afraid I was at the business end of a bottle of Scrumpy Jack when I was let loose on the old iPad and was so ridiculously blotto I had no idea if it was New York or New Year. Let me be clear, Michelle is a highly respected individual, and her appointment has wide cross-party backing. I’ve even heard that Lord Sewell has given her his full support. Or perhaps it was the other way round?

View from the Midden – agricultural affairs with Jock Alexander.

It has been a scatological wik in the village. I wiz maist intrigued tae read in the news that the UK’s second highest mountain, Ben Macdui, hiz apparently got fit was described as a “human waste” problem. That is tae say, somed’y his been somewhat mair relaxed upon reaching the summit than they probably should hiv been. Noo, sensitive though I am tae the many travails of the noble art of mountaineering; ‘at’s just gadsy, ‘at! Fit’s wrang wi’ jist planting a wee flag? Thankfully, the RSPB officer fa found it in the first place says it wiz a one-off.   Jist as weel. Though I am slightly concerned tae recall that Feel Moira went a hike up Ben Macdui last month, wi’ nithin’ but a pair of stout walking boots and a knapsack full of her hame-made beef carpaccio.

We dinna hae a problem wi’ human waste in the hills aroon the village, largely cos we dinna hae ony hills aroon the village. Nae unless ye coont the great pile of mineer in Tam Fraser’s bottom field. It is entirely composed of fit drapped oot of the combined village sheep population during last year’s scours epidemic. Michty, fit a size o’ a mound that is. But ‘Ben MacDoldie’, as the village loons hiv christened it, remains a popular spot for a walk or a picnic. But only on frosty days. Fan the sun’s beating doon, the ground underfit does get a bittie saft. Cheerio!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who always wears the trousers

As I often always says, a footballer like me would struggle in the modren game. No tackles from behind, the pass back rule and video evidence would have made me a pale intimation of the player what I was. But it’s the stuff off the pitch that would have landed me in the most hottest water. Especially these social mediums and BookFace that they’re all doing these days.

Old Kenny’s eyes haven’t recovered from seeing Aberdeen’s Andrew Considine in a stag-do video on the Internet what has gone venereal. If you haven’t seen it, Consi is in drag, surrounded by blokes in their pants, miming to Baccarra’s ‘Yes sir, I can boogie’. What was the lad thinking? At least now I knows how that website with all the videos got its name. When I seen it, I says to myself, I says “Considine, you tube!”

Still, some of the stag-dos when I was at the Dons did get a bit crocus. I’ll never forget the time we dressed Doug Rougvie up like the Ayahtollah Khomeni. You should of seen their faces at Henry J Beans. When I got hitch-hiked to the lovely Melody, Basher Greig was my best man. He told me that for my stag do we was going to push the boot out and enjoy an evening of salsa music and cocktails, all in the company of some exotic dancers. I says to him, I says “Where are we going Basher, Tenerife?” “No” he says. “The Clover Leaf.”


 See the Flying pigs live in ‘Dreich Encounter’. His Majesty’s Theatre Aberdeen, 2-11 June 2016