P&J Column 20.10.16


You’ve got to fight for your right to wee-wee!

Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman

I see that we have had a sudden, and no doubt temporary and localized, outbreak of common sense in the Scottish legal system, with the news that all charges have been dropped against Rohan Beyts, the retired Social Worker who had been accused of breach of the peace after answering the call of nature among the dunes of Donald Trump’s Menie Estate. Rohan was quoted as being “absolutely relieved”, although it was not entirely clear whether she was talking about the dropping of the charges or the initial incident itself.

While I am sure that the authorities have acted with complete impartiality, there is, I think, some considerable symbolic value, this week of all weeks, in the news that a woman has been held entitled to widdle with complete impunity upon The Donald’s property. As the official council spokesman for Aberdeen – the city, let us not forget, that learned to loathe Trump long before all these Johnny-Come-Latelys, like Michael Moore, Professor Steven Hawking, and the Pope, jumped on the bandwagon, – I am proud to see Rohan added to the roll-call of women – the Hillary Clintons and Michelle Obamas of this world – to have looked this nightmarish caricature of a man in the eye and stood up to him. Or in Rohan’s case, squatted down among the marron grass to him. It is now time to recognise Rohan for the heroine she is, and to get behind her. Preferably while holding out a towel to protect her modesty, and wearing wellies.

View from the Midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander

Weel, it’s been a conflagratory wik in the village. We far thocht we wis enjoying an Indian Summer the ither evening, but it turned oot it tae be jist the wind blawing fae the sooth, and the heat we felt wiz the auld Glen o’ Dee Hospital gaan up in flames. It wiz a sad end for a venerable auld building fit has been a luxury hotel, an army billet and a Typhoid sanatorium in its time. Though in mony wyes it wiz a miracle it lasted as lang as it did, bearing in mind that it wis built oot o’ wid and the the shire his mair nor it’s fair share of gypes fa’s idea of a good time is setting fire tae things. Noo, it’s a’ sub judice and I’m nae saying that, but police suspect that the fire wis the work of youthful arsonists. Or, as they are cried in Meiklewartle, vratches wi’ matches.

Indeed, this is the reason that nae new buildings here in the village have been made of that particular combustible material, iver since Haldie Winton’s ootside lavvie went up fan he settled in for a good long seatie, tried tae licht his pipe and dropped his match. Yon wis a tragedy. Fit a mineer we lost that nicht.


Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who always plays the man.

Some of the sporting headlights from this week has only gone to show that sometimes, fact can be stranger than friction.

I enjoyed watching the Olympics parade in Manchester, but I had a wee chuckle to myself when I found out that two imposters managed to sneak onto one of the buses! It’s a testicle to the number of British athletes who had success in Brazil that a pair of chancers that nobody recognises was able join in the fertilities. But dressing up as a sportsman to bask in reflected glory is nothing new. I’m just surprised John Terry wasn’t there in his Chelsea strip.

There was a lot of chat about referee Anthony Taylor before the Liverpool v Man Utd match. Apparently the whistler lives right next-door to Old Trafford and Liverpool fans was complaining that he might be pious in favour of Mourinho’s men. But it’s obvious that Taylor would be totally neutron. These days the closest any Man Utd fan lives to Old Trafford is inside the M25.

Mind you, I understand what it’s like when you feel like the ref has it in for you before the match has even kicked off. Back when I was playing for Locos we found out the man in black what had been chose for our top-of-the-table 12 pointer with Rothes was someone who had sent me off in the past. We asked the SFA to find an official who hadn’t previously shown me a red card, but they never done it. They did try, but it turned out there wasn’t one.