P&J Column 2.8.18

Feel’s Gold

View From the Midden by Jock Alexander of MTV (Meikle Wartle Television)

It’s been an auriferous wik in the village. Ye’ll hiv seen the excited reports aboot a giant gold nugget being discovered in a Scottish river by a mannie fa wants tae remain anonymous. It has been dubbed ‘The Douglas Nugget’, so I can only assume that the mannie fit wishes tae remain anonymous his nae luck. Onywye, it ‘s aboot the size of a gold ball, and is worth £50,000. And naeb’dy kens exactly far it wiz found, as the mannie isnae saying, in case it sparks a goldrush tae the river in question. Of course, this secrecy only means that anybody wi the tiniest stream trickling ahind their house thinks there may be gold in’t. Certainly, Meikle Wartle has nae been slow in proclaiming the nugget may weel have come from here, in the hope that crowds of fortune-seekers come floodin’ intae the village tae boost wir economy.  Noo I da wint tae burst anyone’s bubble, but its unlikely that there’s  gold in the Burn o’ Wartle. I widna advise onyb’dy tae ging prospecting in there. Ye widnae find ony precious metals, though ye might find a water-borne contagion.

However, that didnae stop Feel Moira fae encasing her considerable self in a vast rubber wetsuit and trailing aff doon tae the burn wi’ her flippers on and her face set wi grim determination.. Her first mistake wiz making a running jump doon a slope and belly flopping intae the watter. The burn’s nae the deepest at the best o’ times, but efter wiks o’ unseasonal blazing sunshine it’s doon tae a trickle. Thanks tae the laws of physics, this meant the entire contents of the burn were displaced o’er the surrounding fields, leaving the floundering Moira wedged amidst the chuckies. I did feel sorry for her, but reserved maist of my sympathy for the support team of indomitable wifies fae the W.I. fa hid tae prise her oot o’ the wet suit. Cheerio!


Kevin Cash, Money Saving Expert and King of the Grips

I seen a story the ither day where a bloke managed to steal a shark from an aquarium by disguising it as a baby and pushing it oot in a pram.  ‘Shark-napping’, they cry it.  Only in America, you might think, but I seen something very similar myself in Macduff Aquariaum jist the ither day, fan an apparently well to do wifie tried to smuggle a dogfish oot in a bugaboo.  Turned oot, efter I alerted the staff, that it wiz jist an affa ugly baby.  An embarrassing incident for all concerned.

Still, there is a lot of value in exotic pets.  My pal, Mick the Pill, recently bought a job lot of goldfish fae a mannie that used to run a coconut shy in the Carnies.  Mick his got ahud of some knocked off Tippex and has been colouring them in like clownfish and selling them on to fans of ‘Finding Nemo’.  I myself hiv made a small fortune by flogging giant tortoise garden ornaments but claiming they’re jist early hibernators.  Best of a, though, is the ‘hatch your own’ Loch Ness Monsters I’ve been selling to gullible tourists.  Never let a job lot of foosty Milky Bar Easter Eggs ging tae waste!  That’s the value!


Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football columnist who’s through on away goals

As I write this, old Kenny is packing his suitcases for a road trip to the Dons’ big European tie down south. What a job I had getting it organized. It was hard getting match tickets, but the train tickets was even worse.

First of all, I booked tickets for Barnsley by mistake. The boy at the station let me change my destination, but when I looked at the map of the North of England, old Kenny was scratching his head. Someone needs to tell them that not every town needs a cake named after it.

Anyway, I got it all sorted so I’m off down the road on Thursday to cheer the Reds on. They done really well in the first leg, and was unlucky to concede that late equaliser. People was off-writing Scottish football but the Dandies proved the doubting tomatoes wrong and left them with egg and cress on their face.  Must remember to pack  some sandwiches.

So I’ve got everything crossed for tonight. Including the box on the bookie’s coupon what said “Aberdeen to win 2-1”! Come on you reds!!!