P&J Column 17.9.15

The SNP are playing the Generation Game. If only we could shut that door.

Struan Metcalfe, MSP for Aberdeenshire North and surrounding Nether Regions

I was exasperated to hear this week that those pesky SNP chaps – and chapesses (wouldn’t want to be accused of being sexual) – are including plans for a second independence referendum in their Scottish Election Manifesto. Well clench my buttocks and call me Moira but isn’t that the most infuriating thing one has ever heard? We were promised that the indyref would be ‘once in a generation’. The last one cost me 7 friendships, most of my hair and a stomach ulcer. At one point I had to share a platform with Alistair Darling! I can’t afford the stress; I have my dashing good looks, portly aristocratic frame and floppy public schoolboy hair-do to protect. What’s more, I don’t think I could bear a rerun of those depressing, half-baked TV debates, which only demonstrated that Scottish politicians couldn’t run a bath, let alone a country.

What really riles me is when the Nats say they’ll ‘let the Scottish people decide’. What they mean is they’ll keep asking the Scottish people the same question over and over again until they get the answer they want. Who do they think they are, the West Midlands Police?

Well, not on my Apple Watch, Nicola. The Nats promised there wouldn’t be another independence referendum for at least a generation! I suppose our mistake was assuming that they were referring to a generation of humans. Turns out they were talking about iPhones!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s always top of the league

There’s only one word to describe last Saturday’s top of the table clash between my old club, the Dons and defending champs Celtic – bibliographical. The rain was certainly bad enough for Noah to get his ark out of the garage, but, unlike in the good book, this time David gubbed Goliath 2-1. What a belter of a game, though, and well worth the price of a ticket. I never had to pay for my ticket, thanks to some corporate hostility, but if I had did, it would of been well worth it.

The game sparked into life when the ref gave a penalty against Considine for holding back Celtic frontman Leigh Griffiths. The Celts is raging that the whistler never gave Considine his marching powders, saying he prevented a clear goal-scoring opportunity. But I reckon the official got it spot on because, although Griffiths was one-on-one with the keeper, four yards out, he is mince.

The Dandies got back into it when they scored a pen of their own, and a late goal from Paul Quinn put us top of the league. But the home fans had some of the wind sucked out of their wings when the ref sent Johnny Hayes for an early bath. Now, in my playing days, I was no stranger to a red card on those occasions when I halfed somebody, but in my professorial opinion, the ref has had a shocker. When they seen the replays the Dons says they is going to appeal against this mismarriage of justice. That’s where Hayes and me is different, though. Whenever I watched my red cards back in slow-mo, they always looked even worser!

Tanya Souter, Local Lifestyle Guru

This week has seen some truly momentous announcements. The Labour party has unveiled a leader who is a left-winger! Fit a shocker that wiz. Buzz Aldrin announced that we wants to nuke Mars (I dinna get it. If he disna like their chocolate, why diz he nae jist buy Cadbury’s?).

But maist important of aa, Mark Zuckerberg is spikkin aboot introducing a ‘dislike’ button on Facebook! Will it work? I think Zucky-baby has missed the mark here! Facebook is faur ye ging to escape the troubles of the real world. It’s a bubble – a big comfy bosie of a place. It’s far ye post a picture of yer kids nae wrecking the joint, yer pets nae wrecking the joint or a roast denner ye’ve cooked fan ye didnae wreck the joint, and folk ye hinna spoken to since primary school gie them a virtual ‘thumbs up’. On Facebook, ye either ‘like’ something or ye keep yer trap shut. And that’s the wye it should stay. Dinna let the harsh winds of reality in! Dinna turn it intae a forum far folk can freely express their low level antipathy and irritation towards people they dinna really ken. That’s fit Twitter is for!