P&J Column 17.8.17

How to avoid day-light robbery in the night-time economy

Kevin Cash, Money Saving Expert and King of the Grips
So, I see Aiberdeen has appointed its very ain “night-life economy manager”. Fit better job than promoting Aiberdeen’s distinctive night-life for someb’dy wi’ several years experience in the French hospitality and skiiing industry? She will, of course, be used tae gan ‘aff piste’, in contrast tae the majority o’ oor city center revelers, fa are maistly daeing the exact opposite.
Of course, the city is right to appoint a night-time business guru. Things is different fan the sun gings doon and the drink gings in. Foodstuffs that would have seemed inedible fan sober become irresistible – fit is why my pal Emre, fa rins a kebab shop, drives a spleet new beemer. The scaffying trade and suppliers of high strength industrial cleaners also hiv much tae thank the night time economy for, as has my pal, Mick the Pill (sound lad, honest as the day is short), fa’s unremunerative daytime newsagent becomes a gold-mine at night. And nae jist because his Mars Bars ging up tae £1.20. Fa wid hiv kent that night-time revellers wid hiv hid so much need for “plant food”? Or develop such a funny wink fan asking for it?
But of course, an experienced businesswoman helping the city’s after hours establishments tae increase their revenue could be a devastating blow for me and my fellow value-seekers, so I’d better impart a’ my ‘efter- dark’ tips and tricks afore it’s too late.
A night oot in toon is primarily aboot booze, but drinks in trendy nightspots can be expensive. Sure, there’s eyewiz happy hour tae cash in on, but that’s Highland League. To join the SPL big boys, you need tae work as a team. Yer wingman gings intae een o’ Belmont Street’s bars an sets aff the fire alarm. Meanwhile, you shin up the drain pipes by the Denburn underpass, clamber intae the terrace and scoof abdy’s unattended tipples. Fan it comes time tae mak yer escape, I’ve found that their patio umbrellas can be semi-successfully deployed as a parachute, though it’s best tae plan ahead and leave a mattress at ground level tae cushion yer landing. Dump it on the Thursday morning, it’ll lie for a fortnicht afore the scaffies collect it.
Of course, nae nicht oot wid be complete wi’oot some gentleman’s entertainment. Bridge Street plays host tae some o’ Aiberdeen’s premier venues for the appreciation o’ exotic dancing, but twa songs for £20 can mean yer enjoyment is short lived. Again – teamwork. Send in your accomplice tae request these twa tracks fae the DJ – ‘Stairway Tae Heaven’ followed by ‘American Pie’ . As soon as you hear the first twangs o’ Jimmy Page’s spidery guitar intro, hand over yer twenty notes and enjoy 15+ minutes o’ terpsichorean bliss. That’s the value.


Prof Hector J. Schlenk, Senior Researcher at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science

As a scientist, people often asking me questions like? “If Big Ben can be turned off for 4 years, why can’t Parliament?” How will we know when News at Ten has started?’ and could the job be done by the animatronic clock that plays the theme from the Magic Roundabout from Outside Bruce Millers?
Fascinating questions, yes, but what I have been principally excited by this week is the news that a fruit cake belonging to Captain Scott has been unearthed, still edible, after 106 years. I am a great aficionado of Fruit Cake, so much so that it became my nickname as a child; one which has followed me into later life and has gained such currency that it is often shouted at me by complete strangers.
It is indeed comforting to note that not withstanding the effects of global warming and the recent breaking off of a significant part of the Antarctic ice-field, elderly cakes, meat, fish and some “rather nice-looking” jams have all been preserved in one of the continent’s first buildings. One particular cake is believed to have been brought over in 1910 during the Terra Nova expedition. Wrapped in paper and housed in a tin, the extreme Antarctic cold has contributed to it’s preservation, of course, but it’s remarkable resilience is also due to it being extremely dense, stodgy, and a throwback to an earlier time. Think of it, if you will, as a baked and currant-encrusted right-wing populism. Though it may look palatable enough to some – it leaves a rather unpleasant taste in the mouth.