P&J Column 17.5.18

Israel? Australia? Is Europe holding auditions for our replacement?

Shelley Shingles, Showbiz correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983

O. M. Le G!  Yes, you read that right, Shelley is going all cosmoneopolitan this week after watching the Greatest Show on Earth, the Eurovision Song Contest!  It’s my favourite explosion of European culture, cheesy music and dodgy accents since they took Going for Gold off the air (Henry Kelly. Swoon. Totes dreamboat!)

It was certainly a dramatic night.  No more so than when British songstress SuRie had her performance interrupted by some stage invader who started shouting down the microphone.  I was watching with my nephew, who’s into the Grime music scene, and he thought it was all part of the act!  He was really getting into it before they hooked the imposter off the stage.

One thing that really got my goat, though, was the countries taking part.  I’ll need to have a word with Mr Horsman, who was my Geography teacher at Mackie Academy, because I never knew that Australia was in Europe!  I’ve always fancied a trip to the land Down Under but was put off by the length of the flight. Boy, do I feel stupid!

Eventual winners, Israel are usually thought of as being part of Asia. But I suppose, when they decide the winner by taking a popularity vote from the other countries, I can see why they would want to join in with our contest instead!

I tell you though, wee Graham Norton is doing a grand job of filling Terry Wogan’s shoes isn’t he?!  Me and Graham go way back.  I first met him in 2007 when I was in the audience for his brilliant chat show. He was coming through the audience looking for someone to play a crazy game involving a bowl of custard and Enrique Iglesias. ‘Do you like custard?’ He asked, with that characteristic twinkle. “Not really’ I replied, and as quick as a flash he came back with .’Oh. Right. Moving on’.

Wise words from a true gent.


Kevin Cash, Money Saving Expert and King Of The Grips:

Weel, the news this wik has been a’ aboot a certain event full of razzmatazz, eye-watering expense, and arcane ritual. But for those nae watching the Cup Final we hiv a Royal Wedding an’ a’. Noo I ken that some folk hiv got the huff aboot it, partly cause the happy couple are nae top tier Royals and, barring an air-strike on the Braemar Gathering, they’ll niver get a sniff o’ the throne, but maistly cos they’re inconsiderately getting married on a Setterday so naeb’dy’s getting the day aff. Still, I am here tae gie ye a’ my top tips on the best wye tae mak yer Harry & Meghan celebrations as inexpensive as possible. There’s nae need nae ging feel just cos the bride tae be has blown £300,000 on a dress. A dress! I widnae spend that on a hoose! Of course, I bide in Seaton, so I dinna need till. Onywye, if yer ha’eing a proper street pairty tae celebrate the big day, wi’ ab’dy sitting ootside getting bleezing, I can assist. My mate Mick The Pill has come by a job lot of fire-damaged tables and chairs fae the Castle Bar, so jist gie the word and we’ll come round and dump them a’ on yer road. Dinna waste yer money on bunting either, simply tak the lines fae yer neighbour’s whirly and hing them fae the lampposts on yer street, then peg on alternating Spar, Tesco and Aldi bugs, making sure of course, that the order is reed, fite and blue.

And da worry if you dinna hae enough food tae feed yer freens and neighbours either – jist buy one pre-packed sandwich – mak it a good een fae Tesco’s; ye ken the eens,  wi’ gold on the label and an unnecessary extra plastic tray inside –  then cut it intae tiny wee triangles so ab’y in yer street gets een, and tell them it’s nouvelle cuisine. Or if that’s too much hassle, ye can get party food fae Lidl’s for nae money, especially if ye hing aboot the bins roon the back at chucking oot time.

I’m nae hauding a street pairty of my ain; partly ’cause I live in a high rise, but maistly cause I’ll be busy on the day selling my ain range of specially branded Royal Wedding merchandise, including plates, vases and mugs, a’ hand painted wi’ the the faces of the happy couple. Admittedly, portraiture is nae my strong suit, so the likenesses are nae perfect, but If I dinna shift them this wikend I winna get anither chance til Ed Sheeran gets merried tae Russell Brand.